I Miss You

Thump. Thump.

The rain hit the window pane, over and over again. Here I was waiting. Just like I always do. Waiting for the one I love. I know he’s not coming back this time. He’ll never come back. But, I will always remember all the good times we’ve spent together. Always!

The street was clear of any cars. Also clear of any people. The night was dead, just like him. My tears will never seize to stop. I didn’t have anything else to do with my life. It’s been a couple years since the tragedy. I can’t help but wonder what if. Always what if!

My eyes became dry as the last of tears has escaped. I sighed as I pictured him in my mind. His black hair, silky. His blue as ice eyes. His laugh that can get anyone to join, without a joke being told. His smile that brightened the room was what I missed. To top that was the way he would hold me. That is what I miss the most. I miss how he would wrap his long around my waist. I miss the way he would put his head in my neck and whisper those lovely words, “I love you.” I would answer back the same thing.

Now I held myself, looking out into the world and whispering his name. I would whisper the words, “I love you baby.” He was my J-bear. I needed him to feel alive. The presence of him was what made me whole. Now without him I question the reason of my life.

Why did he have to go so soon? We just stared our live out. It’s like we only said our “I do’s,” several days ago. Being married to him was the best thing that happened to me. Hell, being with him was just as good.

I’ll never know what would have happened if he was still here today. Would he walk up behind me and those arms around me? Would he whisper those sweet, meaningful words in my ear? Would he smile as I turned to look at him watching television? This I will never know.

“Mommy,” a little voice called to me. I turned to see my baby boy. I smiled as he wore his favorite shirt. The design was of his favorite band. His dark hair was tasseled around his head. His eyelids were dropping over his blue eyes in tiredness.

“Yes, baby?” I walked over to him.

“I’m tired. Can you tuck me in?” he whispered.

“Alright sweetie,” I wrapped my arms around his small body, picking him up. I walked up this stairs slowly, lulling my baby boy. I came to the top of the stair case. I then walked over to his room, opening the door. I laid him down gently, “You gonna wear your favorite shirt to bed?”

“Mhm,” he nodded his head slowly. I smiled, “Mommy?”

“Yes, James?”

“Do you miss daddy?”

“Yes baby. Every day,” I brushed his hair back.

“I miss him, too, mama.”

“Yea, baby. Daddy would have loved to hold you.”

“But, he can see me. He’s in heaven. Right mama?”

“Of course honey.”

“That’s good.”

“You going to bed?” I tucked him in bed.

“Mhm,” he smiled, “Mama?”

“Yes baby?”

“Since it’s my birthday tomorrow, can we go see daddy?”

“Alright baby.”

“And mama? Can you not call me baby? I’m gonna be four. I’m not a baby.”

“I know b- James,” I kissed his forehead and walked over to the door, “Good night honey.”

“Night Mama.” With that I closed the door half way and walked to my bedroom.

I looked in the closet. Why haven’t I cleaned it out? Was it really that good to still have all his clothes here? I sighed as my hand swept across the materials. My hand landed on a Jack Daniels shirt. I took it out, looking at it. I shed my top and pants, redressing in the shirt. As least I’m putting it to good use. I wrapped my arms around the fabric.

I lay in bed thinking of him again. Smiling I closed my eyes.

“I love you Jimmy,” I whispered before falling asleep.