I Never Should Have Let You Go

c i a n n a

"He would get hickeys all over your neck, wouldn't he?" the makeup artist Bridget grumbled, frantically trying to cover up the tiny bruises scattered across my décolletage with concealer. They were everywhere, courtesy of my enthusiastic boyfriend.

My phone was clutched tightly in my hands as Nick and I texted. It felt strange having to press buttons instead of just being able to talk face to face. Nick was becoming busy with organization for the world tour with his brothers, and I had lots of promotion to do for my album. We weren’t going to be able to spend as much time with each other, so we were making every moment count; even if that meant constant SMSing.

From; Nick
Message: not my fault your skin is supple, and it tastes nice too. like peaches. i can give you hickeys on your chest if you’d like?? ;)

"I'm seriously so sorry Bridget. I didn't realise how many he left. I thought he'd just put one on the underside. Nick went crazy."

I couldn't help but giggle at the previous night. I'd been trying to fall asleep and all my boyfriend could focus on was leaving his marks on me. And going by Nick's text message, he was still in need.

Bridget laughed, shaking her head. "It's fine, Cianna. My husband and I have been married for 25 years now, and he still insists on claiming his territory."

To: Nick
Message: sure. :P as long as I can embarrass u with love bites when u have to go somewhere important. ;)

"Two minutes and we're on air." a stage-hand announced, poking his head around the door of the dressing room.

"Ah, shit." Bridget grumbled, swirling the brush across my neck at a faster pace. "Shit, shit, shit."

"Oh my God." I panicked, my hand immediately flying to my chest to grip the emerald ring dangling from the chain. It was a habit to reach for it when I was stressed. The simple band was a source of comfort and reassurance for me. It may seem corny or cheesy or maybe even immature, but last night Nick and I had made a special wish on the ring. I can’t you what the wish was, but you could probably assume the correct answer.

I'd have to go on stage with bright purple-red bruises! Nick was going to cop it when I got home. It was partially my fault too for letting him nip at me for hours on end.

"Damn it!" Bridget snapped, throwing the brush down on the table. She parted my hair in two, and thrust a section over each shoulder.

"On air in 40 seconds! Let's go, go, go!" The stagehand had appeared again and was frantically tugging at my arm. I chucked my phone into Bridget's hands and stumbled after the girl leading me along down the hallways; past the pictures of all the previous guests on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. It made me proud of myself to know that my picture and autograph was perched in a frame. I’d succeeded.

We reached the end of the hall and then we turned to our immediate left, suddenly faced by two large, white sliding doors. I could hear Ellen’s voice, and then the stagehand hissed as an indicator that it was time to go onstage.

She jumped out of the way, and I was faced with the view of that all too familiar coffee table, the two armchairs, and the lady DeGeneres.

The cheering erupted as I waved to the audience. There were a few signs held up by a couple of fans. It always made me smile when I saw them.

Ellen approached and enveloped me in a huge hug and I returned it with a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh! Did you see that? I got a kiss from the sister of the sexiest woman in the world! Well actually, I'd say that the two Fox sisters would come in tied for first place!"

I couldn't help but smile, automatically winking back at her. Ellen DeGeneres was amazingly awesome, and so very funny.

"Thanks." I chuckled quietly, tucking my hair behind my ear.

A loud gasp escaped from Ellen's lips as soon as the skin was newly exposed.

"HICKEYS!" she yelled at the top of her voice.

I happened to make a lot of mistakes in my life, and moving those strands was most definitely an error. I'm such an idiot!

Oh God. Bridget was going to kill me!

My cheeks turned tomato red under my blush. I swept my hair back over my shoulder, pretending like nothing at happened.

"Uh, no, um, Megan and I got in a vacuum cleaner fight last night. They're not hickeys."

Please, please believe me.

The couch was growing increasingly uncomfortable as I began to sweat. I wanted to keep the majority of my private life private, but these mini-bruises just blew it.

Ellen laughed, shaking her head. "They're from Mr Nick Jonas, aren't they? Hmm?"

My hands tightened around the arms of the chair, knuckles turning white. "No, no. They're from last night, I swear."

That was a smart thing to say, although it was the truth. I thought back a few hours to Nick's arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I remembered the gently pressure against my collarbone as he nibbled, and I recalled allowing him to do it. The words 'I love you' had entered the air a million times. We’d relaxed in a steaming hot bubble bath just talking about us. We’d promised to no longer be shy about our relationship in public. I was doing just the opposite. Keeping my word was not really one of my fortes. But I had to keep my vow with Nick, otherwise all we’d said last night would have been a waste.

Releasing my grip on the material of the lounge, I slowly nodded, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief was over me. Delighted screams echoed around the studio.

"So you're confirming that you and Nick Jonas are dating again?" Ellen smiled. It was a nice smile; not the sort of cocky smile that you often see when someone has found something out.

I hoped this was the right thing to do as I uttered out a 'yes'.

"Yeah, we're together. And we're really happy. Things are perfect." I grinned, instinctively reaching up to touch the ring hanging around my neck.

Ellen gasped for a second time, clicking her fingers as a signal to pass the jewellery over. Hesitantly, I unclipped the clasp, and placed the chain and band into her palm.

She was grinning as her gaze travelled over the emerald and diamond ring. "This is gorgeous! When did Nick give you this?

On one of the worst days of my life, I mused.

"Nevermind!" she blurted, discovering the inscription. "C+N. I'll love you forever. 12/19/09. Aww, that is so sweet!"

Ellen passed it back and I returned it to its original spot. As soon as the metal touched my skin again, the memories of the former night became vividly clear in my mind. I couldn’t help but beam at the thought.

"Don't you just adore young love?" Ellen chirped, earning more excited noises from the audience. I got this strange warm and tingly feeling whenever I talked about or was with Nick. He made me so incredibly happy.

We went on to talk a little about my album, my experiences in Haiti and I performed a song off my brand new record. Under every seat in the studio was a signed copy of Stop The World. It was a thank-you to my supporters for always being there.

I managed to escape the wrath of Bridget as I returned to get my phone; she was applying Ashley Greene's makeup. I greeted Ashley with a small 'hi' before dashing out to my car. I had an appointment with a real estate agent and then I had a meeting with Sony. It was to be a hectic day.

---

With a deposit on a brand new apartment in New York, I dashed off to the Sony building. It was 2 o'clock when I got to the offices. The meeting began at quarter past.

Inside the elevator, I thought of my current home as well as my new one. For one person, a five bedroom mansion was just too much. It contradicted my beliefs, but I was letting my mother have my LA house. I still was so angry at her, but she needed a place to live, and I needed a new home to reside in. It was a win-win situation. That wasn't something that happened frequently in my life. There was a loser and a winner, but never two of the latter type.

The elevator doors opened with a ding and I stepped out, followed closely by an entourage of body guards. Not being able to go anywhere without someone protecting you used to be a nuisance, but my life would have been completely different without them. I wouldn’t be Cianna May Fox. I was finally the person I always wanted to be.

---

The Sony boss, Mark, began to speak as I sipped my coffee. This could be a good or a bad announcement. By the looks of his face, it was positive, but you could never really tell.

"Cianna, we've decided that right now would be the perfect time to for you to go on your first headlining tour. It would be great promotion for Stop The World. You're in high demand all over the globe, so this is to be a world tour. We're talking North and South America, Canada, the UK, Asia, Europe, and even Australia and New Zealand, This is going to be huge Cianna!"

The announcement was jumbled in my brain for a few moments. World...headlining...tour.

"W-when?" I stuttered, gripping the Styrofoam cup so tightly that it slopped lukewarm cinnamon latte over the sides. It pooled on the dark table, and I fretted it would cause a stain. My manager Charlotte quickly passed me a napkin under the table and I inconspicuously mopped at the spill.

"We wanted this tour to be a surprise for everybody so the tickets for the USA are released tonight at midnight. All the venues have been booked in the other countries. Two weeks and we start with the North America shows."

Two weeks? Two weeks?! But there was so much planning to do! Costuming, electronics, lighting, set-lists, not to mention all the practice! Could two weeks possibly be enough time?

"I don’t think we’ll be able to do it.” I argued, instantly closing my mouth when Mark’s face hardened. If I got on his bad side, he had the ability to ruin me within minutes. That was something that petrified me to no end. I hated being scared but with my boss around, I just couldn’t help it.

"It's plenty. We'll be using the regular stage with a catwalk so you can intimate with the fans. So you need to go home, start packing, because we're leaving for Dallas in a week and a bit. You're doing 5 days of rehearsals and then its show-time!"

At the thought of my childhood home, I softened. If I had some spare time I could visit some family that I hadn’t see in a long while. Suddenly, two weeks seemed too long.

Charlotte squeezed my hand as Mark continued to give details on the tour. It was my responsibility to call Tyler and the rest of the band to discuss what we wanted to contribute to the visual aspect of the tour.

To put it bluntly, I was stunned when I left the office. I was excited, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. It was unreal. I hoped the next week would race by, but then again I didn’t because it meant leaving Nick for months on end. When I thought more carefully about it, a little time apart could really strengthen our relationship. A rare win-win situation was occurring.

---

After picking up a new suitcase from the luggage store in the city, I headed home to a night sitting by the TV with a notebook in my hand. Nick was busy with his brothers and their tour, so I decided not to disturb him. He’d discover my little ahem, huge surprise when he saw the tickets up on a website for sale.

As I pulled into my driveway, I spotted my little dog Snowball bouncing around on the floor near the window. She was tucked in front of the curtain, frantically chasing her tail. I’d missed so much that I decided to make an exception and let her gnaw at my toes.

Pushing my house key into the lock, I set my suitcase down on the concrete so I could re-adjust my wallet which was carefully tucked under my arm. Just as I pushed the door open, I heard a voice screaming from the kitchen. My heart started to pound and I reached for the large china case resting on the table in the foyer. As I neared the open dining room, I managed to realise it was Nick before I smacked him over the head.

He was on the phone, pacing backwards and forwards across the tiling. Every so often he would stop to pull at the tight chocolate ringlet draped across his forehead.

“What the fuck do I do, Joe? It’s going all wrong! Cianna will be home any minute now!”

It was then that it hit me; Nick was trying to cook a dinner for us. There were unlit candles placed all around the dining room and soft romantic music soothed my previous panic.

“Of course I followed the recipe! Do you think I’m an idiot? I sautéed the onion and garlic, and I put the oysters inn, but they’re curling!”

There was a deathly silence as a furious blush spread across Nick’s cheeks. His voice was lowered considerably when he began to speak again. “Well I didn’t know they were supposed to curl. I’m not a chef, Joe. Why couldn’t you just come and cook it?”

Snowball came rushing to my feet, but I managed to hush her with a scratch behind the ears. I decided I was going to give Nick a small fright just for the fun of it. As soon as he was off the phone with his brother, I raced quietly into the dining room and ducked under the overhang of the kitchen counter. Nick had his back to me, washing off something in the sink. He turned around. I shot up. The plastic salad bowl left his grasp and launched lettuce leaves at the window.

“Fucking hell!” Nick yelled, holding his hand over his chest. All I could hear was my laughter bubbling through the kitchen. When I managed to see past the tears, I comprehended that Nick was about to attack.

I took off squealing, feeling his fingers brush my hips as I darted through the living room and upstairs to the bathroom where I managed to lock myself in.

Nick pounded on the door, begging for me to let him in. “Come on babe, I haven’t seen you all day. Let me give you a hug!” he pleaded.

Still giggling, I shook my head. “NO! You’re going to tickle me!”

When Nick Jonas begins his deadly attacks, he doesn’t stop until the victim is well and truly dead. I still my life ahead of me.

“I’m not, promise.”

“I don’t believe you.” I refused, leaning against the bath-tub. The face-washers from last night’s encounter were hanging over the rim. An idea popped into my head. This was a proposal Nick couldn’t deny.

“If you don’t tickle me, we can have another bath tonight, but just a normal bath with no bubbles. And they maybe I’ll let you leave some love-bites. This time though, you can put them anywhere you please.”

I heard a muffled groan and then a muttered agreement. Smiling, I pushed myself off of the floor and opened the door ajar, offering my hand for a pinkie promise.

“Deal.” Nick nodded, quickly yanking me into his chest so he could kiss my lips. As we embraced, I wondered what else I could get to agree to tonight.

---

Nick’s thumbs pressing into the middle of my back was absolute heaven. After unknotting each individual muscle, he would leave a faint bruise.

“I love you Cianna.” he whispered, gently turning me over so our bare chests were pressed together firmly. “Love you lots.”

“Me too.” I giggled, settling into s small dose as he rubbed my shoulders. “Do you want to take that bath now?”

---

“No!” I screamed as Nick splashed water onto the dry towel wrapped around my body. We were both laughing, struggling not to slip on the wet tiles.

There wasn’t a single item of clothing on Nick’s body, but strangely, I was completely comfortable with it. Six months ago I wouldn’t have wanted this. But now, I wouldn’t mind it occurring every night.

“Come on, Cianna. Get in the bath.”

My grip on the towel was just about to be loosened when the doorbell chimed. Both Nick and I groaned, but I knew I had to answer it as I could be important. I yanked my dress on over my head, ignoring Nick’s cries to ignore it.

I swung the front door open slowly and standing on the doorstep was Tyler, Sarah, Michael and the girl who punched me in the face so many months ago.