I Never Should Have Let You Go

The bowl of chilled salad resting on the dining table seemed to have more warmth than any of us. We all sat in tense silence. Nick would crack his knuckles under the table every so often, the popping noise making the blonde girl shudder.

She looked different than what I remembered; her eyes were cold and they seemed to penetrate right into me with some sort of unidentifiable force. Sitting side-by-side, I recognized the similarities between her, Sarah and Michael. They were related; they had to be. The dusty blonde coloured hair and the identical square jaws were dead give-a-ways.

Tyler would make eye contact with me every so often. I had no clue he was associated with Michael and Sarah. He’d never made any suggestions that he knew them.

Nick piped up first, his voice gruff and condescending as he moved his hand to rest in mine. I was strangely calm, managing to keep my emotions intact.

“Look, we don’t want any more trouble from you, okay?” He sounded just like my father and I couldn’t help but let a small smile twitch at the corner of my mouth. “Cianna and I just want to be normal as possible and that’s pretty difficult with fame involved. We try our best just to be a regular couple so please let go of whatever grudges you have.”

Michael’s jaw clenched as Nick finished speaking. “If you shut your little faggotty mouth for once, you’d understand that we’re not here to make shit. So shut the fuck up or I’ll knock your teeth down your throat, you dickhead.”

Nick scoffed, unlinking his fingers from mine suddenly. “You’re just a petrified little boy, aren’t you? You’re weak. When you’re with friends you pull on this tough guy persona just so nobody knows who you really are. It’s all just an act. Your whole life is a lie.”

Oh God. There was going to be a punch-up, I could just see it. Michael rose from the table, grabbed the china salad bowl and threw it at Nick’s head at full force. It was all just a blur from then on. Through the haze, I saw the bowl smash and the blood start to run from his forehead. Flurries of two bodies were wrestling on the floor. My first instincts were to leapt onto Michael’s back and pull him off but then I remembered what my mother had always told me.

‘Boys will be boys. They want to fight, let them. It may pain you to see your boyfriend get hurt but just let them be.’

So somehow I managed to step away, closing my eyes and quietly repeating my mother’s words over and over again. It felt so sick, so wrong for me to be ignoring what was occurring on my dining room floor, but Nick had to fight his own battle. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be there for him this time

The fight seemed to last for the longest time and there was crimson blood splattered all over the carpet before the two boys finally ceased physically abusing each other. I could feel the tears pricking behind my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to show that I was upset about the gashes on Nick’s forehead. He got himself into this mess, and I wasn’t going to be the one who got him out.

“Get the fuck out of my house!” Nick roared; his face red from anger and blood. I wanted to wipe at the trickle of red oozing from his nose, but I held myself back. I didn’t approve of this fighting; this wasn’t who Nick was.

Sarah and the girl clung to each other as Michael rose to his feet. I’d never realised how truly intimidating he was. I could Snowball yelping in angst from upstairs. She needed someone to hold her. Nick needed someone to hold him, but I wouldn’t be that someone.

“You’ve got it coming for you, Jonas; just watch.” Michael spat, charging towards the front door. He threw it open before turning to glare at me. “Don’t think you’re safe either, Cianna.”
I had been determined not get caught in the crossfire and now I was a deer in headlights; startled and panicked. Sarah, the second girl who’d I learned was named Mikayla, and Tyler followed closely behind Michael to their car parked in the driveway. When I heard the squeal of tires, I shut the door and just looked at Nick.

“I thought you had more self-control than that.” I muttered, scooping a shaking Snowball off the floor and carrying her upstairs. Nick stumbled up the stairs, trying to keep up with me.

“What are you talking about?” he exclaimed, holding the bathroom door open as I tried to close it. He leant against the shower as I rummaged through the cabinet for carpet cleaner and a sponge. “I do have self-control!”

“Having self-control means the ability to not lash out. You gave into Michael pretty damn quickly. That’s what he wanted and you didn’t even realise! Look what you’ve done to yourself now. You’re bleeding but I’m not helping stitch you up. You can do it yourself.”

“I know I’m bleeding, I’m not stupid!” Nick snapped, following me downstairs again. I dropped to my hands and knees and began to scrub. “Why aren’t you talking to me?!”

Sighing, I threw the broken bowl pieces into a plastic bag. “I’m waiting for you to admit that you’re in the wrong and what you just did was wrong.”

Being stubborn as usual, Nick shook his head, folding his arms defensively. “I’m not in the wrong. I was only trying to protect you. I’m only ever trying to stop you from getting hurt. You don’t need people in your life like them! You may not be able to see, but I can, and they’re bad people!”

“Who are you to tell me who belongs in my life? You don’t control me! You might like to think you do, but you’re wrong. You’re so clingy sometimes!” With every word leaving my mouth I scrubbed a little harder at the carpet. “I need space, you have to understand that!”

“I’m not trying to be clingy, beautiful. I don’t want you to get hurt, okay? I just want to be a good boyfriend and in my books that means keeping you away from harm. And if I come off as clingy it’s because I know you’re going on tour and I want to spend all my time with you. You’re gonna be gone for almost a year. It’s going to be hard on both of us! ”

My boiling anger simmered down when he softened the lines in his forehead and knelt beside me. I was so weak and malleable with him. Ugh. “Is this what this is about? You think something’s gonna happen on tour between Tyler and I? I should be able to trust me Nick; we need to have trust in our relationship. You’re doubt-“

He thrust one hand under my chin and the other to prise the sharp piece of glass from my fingers. “No, I’m not doubting you, I’m doubting Tyler. I know what he’s capable of and you two are going to be together for the whole tour. I trust you completely, but the thing is..” He paused, licked his lips and sighed.

“The thing is what?” I pushed, watching carefully as Nick’s legs shifted out so he was sitting flat on the floor. He pulled me between his legs then rested his chin on my head.

“We’re going to be going from being with each other all the time to not seeing each other at all. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. It already feels to me as if you’re gone.”

I smoothed my hands over his thighs, pushing on the little brown freckle right above his knee. “It’s going to be difficult to get used to but we’ll get there. We’ll be okay, Nick. Sometimes a little separation does a relationship good. This empty block of time we’ve had is something I’ve been very grateful for, but we have to accept the fact that life is not like that. We’re going to be apart but its okay. It’s okay.”

He exhaled across my neck and I felt his curls rub against my skin as he nodded.

“We’ll be okay.”

---

I awoke the next morning after only a few hours of sleep. I’d been thinking over things. Did it call for concern that Nick had been so insecure? Even though I had told him that separation was often a positive thing, I felt just as small in this world as he.

Turning my head, I looked at him. He was lying on his stomach with his forearms pushed under the pillow. I reached forward and pushed his curls back from his face and he shifted gently. Nick was awake though I kept stroking the skin above his eyes, carefully avoiding the cuts.

He frowned and pushed himself up, rolling onto his side so he could pull me close to him. “What’s wrong, darling?”

I smiled, shaking my head. “Just making sure you’re still there.”

---

10:37; we should have left seven minutes ago if we were to get to the christening on time. Snowball was fast asleep on her bed. Nick was still upstairs doing God knows what. His wounds were all covered over with makeup and his outfit had been picked out and ready to go the night before.

Sneaking upstairs quietly, I ducked my head around my bedroom door to find Nick gazing out the window. His hands were stuck deep in his pockets, something he did only when his attention was diverted to something incredibly important. Something vital was on his mind.

“Are you okay Nicholas?” I asked. He turned and gave me a false looking smile. The crinkles beside his eyes didn’t show up, his lips remained thin.

“Yeah, fine.” He stepped away from the window, drew the curtains and walked towards me. I reached out to take the present from his hands but he rerouted and squeezed straight past.

It was clear; we’d hit a rough patch in our relationship.