I Can't Keep You Alive Forever, Can I?
Where To Start?
How was I so stupid? I knew this would all come to an end one day, I was really hoping that it wouldn't’t be for quite some time.
Sometimes life does that to you though, time runs out and all you can do is hold your head high, smile and continue forward.
So not easy, I know, but for once I felt a sense of calm I never had before. Even though things were changing I knew they’d be okay.
In one sense I was feeling quite alone yet I always felt like someone was there with me. Maybe I had just grown stronger after everything, maybe it was a relapse or even, if I was lucky enough, it was my guardian angel. I know guardian angel sounds a tad far fetched but I’m willing to accept any explanations these days.
I was so confused with everything that was happening, I still am. Life keeps taking its many twists and turns, always sending me on a new road, a new journey and a new beginning and end. That’s what sucks the most, a beginning always seems to mean the end.
I felt like I had been dancing on the edge my whole life. After 5 years of endless abuse from that man who called himself my father, he was not my father, he was the man who came into my families life and tore it apart, that man who one day I would really love to kill…Mother was almost as bad, she became so pathetic, living by becoming his slave, expecting us, her only children, to take his crap, to bow down to him like he was a God. That man did brutal things, it took me quite some time but that one night made something click, I had to leave, it destroys me every days, knowing that I had left my mother and brother there but I had no choice, did I?
That was really just the start of my problems. I had endless years of being the school ‘freak’, although to be honest I did enjoy that title, father leaving didn't’t really help with things either, and then there was him, the beautiful boy I had come to love. Love’s a funny thing it is, it holds you down even when you know you need to let go, I really should’ve let go about 10 months ago…I couldn’t though, no matter how messed up he was, how much pain he cause me, I had to stay with him, not because I loved him but because I was the only thing that was keeping him alive.
Sometimes life does that to you though, time runs out and all you can do is hold your head high, smile and continue forward.
So not easy, I know, but for once I felt a sense of calm I never had before. Even though things were changing I knew they’d be okay.
In one sense I was feeling quite alone yet I always felt like someone was there with me. Maybe I had just grown stronger after everything, maybe it was a relapse or even, if I was lucky enough, it was my guardian angel. I know guardian angel sounds a tad far fetched but I’m willing to accept any explanations these days.
I was so confused with everything that was happening, I still am. Life keeps taking its many twists and turns, always sending me on a new road, a new journey and a new beginning and end. That’s what sucks the most, a beginning always seems to mean the end.
I felt like I had been dancing on the edge my whole life. After 5 years of endless abuse from that man who called himself my father, he was not my father, he was the man who came into my families life and tore it apart, that man who one day I would really love to kill…Mother was almost as bad, she became so pathetic, living by becoming his slave, expecting us, her only children, to take his crap, to bow down to him like he was a God. That man did brutal things, it took me quite some time but that one night made something click, I had to leave, it destroys me every days, knowing that I had left my mother and brother there but I had no choice, did I?
That was really just the start of my problems. I had endless years of being the school ‘freak’, although to be honest I did enjoy that title, father leaving didn't’t really help with things either, and then there was him, the beautiful boy I had come to love. Love’s a funny thing it is, it holds you down even when you know you need to let go, I really should’ve let go about 10 months ago…I couldn’t though, no matter how messed up he was, how much pain he cause me, I had to stay with him, not because I loved him but because I was the only thing that was keeping him alive.
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My councilor thought it would be a good idea for me to write about things so that's what I'm doing. Feedback would be good so I could improve my writting though. <3