Your Hand In Mine

I made it to the parking lot. That was as far as I got.

"Shane! Where are you going?" I heard Kris call as he caught up to me. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face him. "What is wrong? Why are you crying? Was it one of the guy?" he scrambled out, reaching his thumb to my face so he could wipe away my tears.

I took a step back, not wanting to be touched by him. "No," I whispered. "It's you."

"What..," he breathed, taking a step forward. I took a step back. "Shane..," he whispered, hurt filling his eyes. "I do not understand."

"The tally, Kristopher. You cheated on me," I told him. "You fucked some girl on the road trip!" I said, now yelling in his face, tears starting to fall again.

His face was full of surprise. "I did not cheat on you. I would never cheat on you, ever," he said, his voice low. "I lov-"

"Don't even say that you love me! That's a fucking lie, Kristo-"

"But I do love you!" he yelled, cutting me off before I could finish. "I love you more than I 'ave love anyone else," he said, his voice growing softer. I didn't want to stand there and listen to him feed me his lies. Hell, I didn't even want to be near him. "Max, 'e did that as a joke. I only want you, Shane, and I will wait 'owever long it takes." That was such bullshit.

"Just stop," I told him as I shook my head. "If you really loved me, you wouldn't have fucked her. And then you try to cover it up by saying Max did it as a joke?" I said, my voice raising. "You even had me convinced you weren't like all the other guys.. but you're just like them. I can't believe you," I spat.

He didn't say anything, he just looked down. Yeah, caught you red-handed, asshole.

I looked at him, slowly nodding my head and backing up. "We're done," I whispered, turning around to get away from him.

His head shot up. "Don't do this," he said, grabbing my wrist, forcing me to turn back to him.

"I already did," I told him as I pulled my wrist out of his grasp.

His arm found its way back to his side then he let his head drop slightly, his hair falling in front of his eyes. A moment later, he ran his fingers through his damp hair and pushed it away from his face. He let out a sigh while he gave his head a few slow nods. "If you ever need me, for whatever reason, I will alway be 'ere," Kris whispered to me, and I swear I saw his eyes become watery. He was putting on a show, acting like he was innocent and sad that we were no longer together.

I looked at him one last time, only to find his eyes staring right into mine, before I spun on my heel and started taking steps forward out of the parking lot. My first fifteen steps or so were quick, but as soon as I reached the sidewalk that lined Center Avenue, I slowed down my pace, realizing that he wasn't coming after me. I looked over my right shoulder a few times, noticing that he kept angling his body so he could watch me walk away. When I wasn't glancing back at my now ex-boyfriend, I let my eyes wonder the sky.

I shook my head. How could I have been so stupid? I believed every word that ever came out of his mouth. I even loved the way he made me feel or the little things he did. I just loved him in general. He said he'd never do what he did to me, but he did it anyway. It was all a big lie, all of it. Fake, even. And if I could take back meeting him, I would. It wasn't worth a broken heart.

Part of me knew that dating someone famous could lead to problems like that, but then the other part of me, it believed that those problems wouldn't actually become problems for me and Kris. But I guess they did. Did he cheat on every girl he dated? Did he go around lying to everyone?

I began to wonder why there was only one tally.. If he really was like those guys, wouldn't there be more than just one?

I debated over that thought for most of the walk back home--picking it apart, going in depth. But in the end, I came to the conclusion that he had still cheated, even if there was only one tally to show for.. He still cheated. The proof was right there, right on that white sheet of paper with his name on it. The whole idea of him cheating on me once was bad enough, but to do it multiple times.. I just cried even more and became angrier. I guess, I was sad and turned on the water works because the guy I thought I knew and loved--well, still love--fucked some girl and lied to me. And I say that I still love him because even though everything he told me was a lie, I wished it was all true because of the way he made me feel. When you love someone, it just doesn't go away over night, unfortunately. And at the same time, I was angry, for those same exact reasons.

And, you know, I might have almost given him another chance, but when he hesitated then didn't say anything at all, I knew he cheated on me. It was like he was holding a sign that said "Yeah.. I fucked someone while we were together."

I thought about why he might've done what he did. Did he do it because I wouldn't give it to him? If he would have waited just a bit longer, I would have. Or did he not even care that I wasn't fucking him, that he was going to fuck anyone with a vagina regardless if I was included or not? But it didn't even matter.. He still cheated.

Sighing, I unlocked my door and walked in. The only light that I saw was the moon coming from my window; the rest of my apartment was pitch black.

I peeled off my somewhat snow-covered coat and tossed it on my couch. I kicked off my shoes and flung them back towards the door. They hit the middle of the wall next to the door then fell the ground with a 'thud'. After staring at the dirty marks for a minute, I finally walked into my bedroom, stepping out of my clothes as I did so.

I walked into my bathroom and turned the shower on, making sure the water was as hot as I could get it without burning myself, then stepped in. I took my time as I washed my hair and body; I barely had any energy. After I was done with all the soap, I sat down and let the hot water rush over me. I didn't think about much, just the water that dripped and slid down my skin. I didn't know how long I sat there, but by the time I got out the water was getting cold.

I found a t-shirt and some sweats and threw them on after I stuck my hair up in a damp, messy bun. I looked like complete shit, but I was over my appearance.

I found my iPod and filled my ears with sad songs. Some people didn't waste any time trying to become happier, but personally, I needed to let everything out before I could move on again. And the best way for me to do that was by playing sad song after sad song and being alone for a while, along with the tears.

I laid awake in bed until about three in the morning, just thinking and letting some tears roll down my cheeks to my pillow. I basically revisited all of the thoughts from my lonely and depressing walk back home.

My last thought before I finally fell asleep, though, was December third to February second.