Your Hand In Mine

I hadn't shed a single tear in two weeks. Two weeks. I was heartbroken, yes, but I wasn't going to sit around and let that pain eat away at me.

The day after my brother had called me, that was the day I started to live again. I wasn't drowning in the deep end of heartbreak and pain anymore, I was swimming towards the surface; I was finally able to breathe again. I didn't look like a complete wreck, and I barely felt that way. I got out of my apartment, I went to work, I went to school. I spent time with Alexa, with Brian, with my family. Smiles weren't forced and fake, but natural and genuine. I could finally watch a whole hockey game, start to finish--but it was tougher than I had imagined. I still had trouble keeping my eyes on the screen when they would show his face, or even the back of his jersey. I hadn't gotten any texts or calls from him or his teammates, nothing. Life was looking up.

"So, you remember my co-worker's daughter, Emily, right?"

"Mhm." No, not really.

"Well, I was thinking she could sit at this table," Alexa said as she motioned to one of the circles on the paper we drew to represent a table. We were currently figuring out her guest list and who we were making everyone sit next to.

One nice thing about being behind the scenes of a wedding was that you could stick people who didn't like each other at one table and laugh when they found their seats and got pissed. For example, I could 'accidently' write in Alexa's cousin, Vanessa, next to Ryan's cousin, Connor. They met at one of the family parties, hooked up, and then ended it three months later because Vanessa threw his extremely expensive flat screen TV out their six-story apartment window; it broke into a thousand pieces on the sidewalk. One piece even flew off and hit the windshield on Connor's precious piece of shi- I mean car. They hated each other, and I found it absolutely hilarious. Let's just say, it'd be one hell of night if that was where they ended up sitting. But I didn't do anything like that because it would most likely end up ruining my best friends' night, and I didn't want to see them unhappy.

"With your Aunt Karen, Aunt Janet, Aunt Sue, Uncle John, Uncle Larry, and Dumb and Dumber?" I questioned, eyebrows raised, referring to her dumb as dirt twin cousins. "That poor girl." She'd probably go home scarred for life after hearing a thousand redneck stories involving deer, shotguns, overalls, and whatever else hicks do.

"Oh," she frowned. "I guess, that wouldn't really be fair to her."

"No," I shook my head.

"Did you ever hear back from Gramma Mary?"

"Why would I hear back from Gramma Mary? She's not even my grandma. Besides, I thought she was dead."

"No, I'm pretty sure she's still living. Well, she might have died. Hang on, let me go call my mom."

"Yeah, you do that," I said, rolling my eyes and picking myself up off the floor. I traveled the familiar steps into Lexa's kitchen and got out what I needed to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I frowned a little when I saw she didn't have any regular bread, only hot dog buns. Shrugging, I grabbed the bag of buns and made it anyway.

"Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Mom. Bye. Love you too. Bye," Lex said, then shut her phone as she walked into the kitchen.

"So, my mom said that Gramma Ma-" she started as she turned back around to face me. "Why are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a hot dog bun?"

I shoved the rest of it into my mouth. "Go shopping, and I wouldn't have to," I told her through a mouth full of food. She looked at me, clearly disgusted with my actions. "So, about Gramma Mary.. She dead? Still alive? What?"

"She died two years ago."

"Thought so. That women was almost as old as the Earth. She probably had a pet dinosaur, too. No wonder she's dead..," I said, glancing away from the TV to look at Lexa's unpleased face. "I mean, uh.. Sorry for your loss." She just shook her head at me but laughed anyway before venturing to another part of her apartment.

"Will you please turn that shit off and come help me?" she called from the other room.

"It is not 'shit'. It's Drake and Josh. And call you're fiancé if you want help, this isn't my wedding."

"Holy fuck, it is Drake and Josh," she said as she walked back into the room. "I didn't even know this was still on TV. Whoa, Drake is still hot. Damn."

"Are you kidding? He's like, seventeen."

"So? The kid's still hot."

"I'm telling Ryan! I'm telling Ryan! I'm telling R-"

"What're you telling Ryan?" The exact man I was going to tell asked, stepping into the room with groceries in his hands.

"Oh, nothing. Just that Alexa wants to have hot, steamy sex tonight." I knew they would blush, which was exactly why I said it. "What'd you buy?" I asked, climbing over the couch to stick my face in the Giant Eagle bags. Giant Eagle.. I was in that store the day Kris first said he loved me.

"Shane? You alright?" Ryan asked me, noticing my sudden lack of emotion and statue-still body.

"Yeah, fine," I smiled. "Just sort of spaced out for a second."

He sent a look to Lex. "You sure?" He asked, eying me up, eyebrow raised.

"Positive." Ryan gave his head a few short nods then walked off to probably go put the food he just bought away.

"What was that about?" Alexa asked me as I sat down beside her on the floor.

"Nothing," I shrugged. "Just memories."

She didn't say anything more about, she just let it go and understood. I didn't quite tell her everything, but I told her most of it. I let my brother hear everything that I needed to get out so I could move on. It's not like I didn't want to tell her, either.. it's just, she didn't seem to care as much as my own brother did, especially when it wasn't about her. But don't get me wrong, she cared, I knew she did. She just, thinks that you can take the short cut when you try to fix things, I guess. Josh, on the other hand, he'd tell you what you needed to hear even if you wouldn't like it, but he'd help you get through it, every step of the way. Lexa just told you the way she saw it and expected you to understand and move on by yourself. Sometimes, you'd listen to someone like Alexa, other times.. you don't. And this time, it was one of those times when I didn't bring Lex into the picture as much.

"So, did you find somewhere to stick.. um, Emma, no, Emily. Did you figure out where we should put Emily?" I asked.

"Yeah. What about one of the tables with Ryan and mine's cousins?"

I looked at the sheet of paper and found an empty space next to Lizzie and Sarah. I didn't have a clue as to who they were--probably Ryan's side of the family. "Fine with me," I told her, writing in Emily's name between the two girls'.

We laid on the hardwood floor for another hour or so before Ryan announced that dinner was ready. If he weren't going to school to become a dentist, he should have definitely been a chef.

"What're we eating, babe?" Lex asked him, placing a kiss on his cheek. I tried not to look away from them. I knew that there was no avoiding stuff like that--couples holding hands or giving each other kisses. But every time I saw someone displaying their love to someone else, I almost felt jealous.. and alone. True, I wasn't technically alone; I had my family and my friends, but there's just something about not having the person you are in love with in your life. I wasn't going to let that stand in my way, though. I was going to have to slowly start accepting that that was just a part of everyday life, whether I liked it or not.

"Ravioli," he smiled.

Dinner wasn't all that bad, actually. Until Lex opened her mouth. "So, I was walking from work to Starbucks yesterday on my break.. and guess who I ran into," she said, twirling her fork in the sauce.

"Kenny Chesney," I guessed, not really caring and looking down at my almost empty plate.

"Nope," she said then looked to Ryan.

"No idea, just tell us," he said to her.

"Kris." My heart dropped, the whole way to my feet. I pushed my palms against the edge of the table and slid back on all fours, causing a horrible sound, and slammed my fork and knife down on my half eaten pasta. Then I grabbed my empty glass of water and took everything with me over to the sink.

"Thanks for dinner, Ry," I said somewhat coldly as I walked back across the kitchen. My attitude wasn't meant towards him, but rather Alexa. He didn't reply anyway.

I grabbed my coat off the back of the couch and stormed over to their front door, opening it and slamming it behind me.

Of course, she would say something like that. Why would she not? She couldn't keep something like that all to herself. Did she not understand that by not telling me that she saw him would make everything a whole lot easier on me? How much of a bitch could you be? I could seriously strangle h-

"Don't you want to know what he said?" she yelled from the steps as I was just about to open my car door and leave. I just glared at her. "He wants you to know that he still loves you and that he'll always love you," she yelled again across the parking lot, causing my eyes to water. No. I wasn't going to cry now. I hadn't cried in two weeks, and I wasn't about to now. "He knows that you won't probably forgive him, let alone believe him that he never cheated on you. He was so down and sad.. It looked nothing like him, Shane. He really loves you." By the time she had finished, a few stray tears made their way down my cheeks then rolled off onto my coat. Dammit!

"I'm sorry for bringing him up, too. I just thought you should know..," she whispered, now standing a foot away from me. "I'm so sorry," she said softly, hugging me as she did while I let out a few more tears.

Those tears told me something.. I was not over Kristopher Letang, not even close. But I wasn't about to give up.