Your Hand In Mine

March came and went surprisingly fast. I thought it was going to pass by at an unbelievably slow pace like February did, but it really didn't. February was completely miserable, for obvious reasons, and every day felt like it took a year to go by. I remember wanting nothing more than to sleep away the days, hoping they would move quicker, or that by some miracle I could just wake up and everything would be fine.

As March went by, though, I could honestly say that I was starting to be myself again. But I wasn't quite there yet. I made stupid jokes, I smiled, I laughed, I was sarcastic--but that was just when I was with people. None of that was fake, either; I was genuinely happy being around them. But when I was at home, it was like I was still chained down to all those horrible emotions. When there wasn't something to keep me occupied, my mind wondered to Kris, every time. Actually, there were small things everywhere I went that reminded me of him. I passed The Pointe almost everyday, and each time I did I would remember our paintings. They were still hanging on my wall, despite how much I wanted to move on from him. But that was easier said than done. I couldn't just clear out everything that reminded me of him, even though I wanted to. I would've probably had to move to another state if I wanted any chance at forgetting about him. But that was the thing, no matter how much I wanted to hate him or stop loving him, I knew that I couldn't, at least not anytime soon.. So why fight it if I was only going to lose? I figured that one day, somewhere along the line, I would be free of him.

Some people, myself included, might be shocked that I was able to start picking up the pieces of my heart so fast, even if there were millions of them. Others might think I was ridiculous for not being able to get over him because of what he did. I didn't really care, though. I was moving at my own pace. I couldn't speed it up or slow it down.

"Do you even have any idea as to what you're doing?"

"No, that's why you're here," Alexa told me, trying to jam a plug into an outlet. I was here because her future in-laws were coming all the way from Colorado to her and Ryan's apartment for a week so they could talk and do stuff about their son's wedding, and Lex needed help cleaning. Close to a month ago, we circled today, April sixth, in bright, red Sharpie about twenty times so she wouldn't forget. According to her, she needed time to prepare for such an exhausting day.

"So, you're telling me that you don't know how to use your own sweeper?"

"Exactly."

"I suggest you take notes," I told her, and she looked as if she was deciding to do so or not. "It was a joke. Just pay attention, moron," I said, shaking my head. "First, you take the plug and stick it into the wall, right side up. Not upside down, like you had it. Then you press the 'On' button," I spoke slowly as I demonstrated each of the steps. "And then you sweep. See how easy that was?" I gushed at her like she was in kindergarten as I turned the sweeper off. "Your turn."

My best friend let out a groan while I moved aside so she could start sweeping. "Have fun," I told her then walked off down the hallway. I did a circle in the hall, pausing at each door, trying to decide which one I should clean first. "Which room should I start with?" I yelled over the horrendous noise of the sweeper, walking back down the hall to the family room.

Alexa turned off the sweeper and turned around to look at me. "Mine and Ry's bedroom, it's the messiest."

"Are you really going to sweep over all that?" I asked, pointing to a whole bunch of shit on her floor. "And what is the terrible sound coming from the sweeper?"

"I thought it was the sweeper's job to get rid off all that crap. But now that you mention it, I'll move it. I think I sucked up a few pennies and dimes," she frowned.

"I'm not even going to say anything," I said as I headed toward the bedroom. "Not a word."

I reached her door within a matter of seconds and turned the knob, pushing the door open. My jaw fell. "Holy fu-" I couldn't even describe how messy that room was. It was like the aftermath of a tornado combined with a hurricane, times seventy-six.

I took a step inside the room and figured I'd start on the left side and work my way to the right. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She was right, this was going to be an exhausting day.

I walked around their bed and and started in the corner next to the bedside table. There were tons of picture frames containing photos of them and their families. I set them on the bed carefully so I didn't break the glass and decided that if I didn't know where something went or what Lex wanted me to do with it, I was just going to put it on the bed and deal with it later.

It took me two hours to clean one half of their room and figure out where it all went, even though most of it ended up on the bed. Every so often I would just sit there and stare at the wreck or weird stuff I found, like a collection of dictionaries. I didn't even think Lex knew how to use one of those. But still, two hours? That was insane! It takes me less than two hours to clean my whole apartment.

I decided to take a little break and make myself something to eat. Then I was going to force myself to come back and clean up the other half of the room that was equally as messy two hours ago. "Do you have any frozen pizza?" I asked Alexa as I rounded the corner. "Dude, you're kidding, right?" She was sitting on the couch watching Gossip Girl.

"It's a good show," she argued with a shrug.

"To some people. But there's a shit load of.. shit on your bed that I don't know what to do with, and you're just sitting here? And do you, or do you not have any pizza?"

"I doubt it. You can check, though. Save me a piece," she said, her eyes still glued to the TV. I made my way into her kitchen and opened the freezer. I looked high and low, but there wasn't any sign of a frozen pizza in there. I frowned.

"You don't have any. I'm just going to order some. What do you want on it?" I called.

"Uh.. Just cheese. Or whatever you want on it. That's cool, too," she hollered back.

"Okay," I said, taking a piece of paper from the fridge and calling the pizza place. I got a medium pepperoni pizza, figuring Ryan would want some when he came home a little later.

"Pizza should be here in thirty. Eleven thirteen. And if you need any change, I'm not giving you any. You swept up yours. It's your own damn fault, " I smirked. She simply flipped me off, not bothering to get up from the couch or take her eyes off of the screen.

I shook my head as I dragged my feet to the bedroom. I let out another dramatic sigh and picked up where I left off. A few minutes in, I found a box of condoms next to one of Lexa's thongs and cracked up. I stuck the lacy, purple thong on top of my head, grabbed the box, and got up.

"You dirty little skank!" I teased her as stood in front of the TV. I threw the box of condoms at her and she laughed.

"What? My mom always said it's better to be safe than sorry."

"Isn't that the truth.. At least he's not small," I said as a slightly disturbed look came to my face. The guy was like my brother, I shivered. "That would suck for you, wouldn't it?" I smirked.

"Shut the fuck up. At least I actually get some."

"Yeah," was all I could manage. But really, what was I supposed to say? Kris and I weren't together, and I wasn't about to fuck some stranger.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"It's alright," I smiled. And just then, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," I said jumping up from the couch.

"Money's on the counter," Alexa told me.

I grabbed the money then pulled open the door. "Hi. One medium pep-" the guy stopped mid-sentence. His mouth was slightly hung open as he motioned to his head with his index finger.

"Oh," I blushed. "Um, yeah," I said as I took off the purple thong and blindly tossed it behind me. His eyes followed it to the floor.

It took a moment, but he eventually looked back up to me. "E-elven eighteen," this guy in his early twenties told me, still staring.

"I thought it was eleven thirteen." He shook his head.

"Lex! I need five more cents!"

"Kay, hang on," she told me. A moment later, she was at the door, the box of condoms tucked under arm. The guy's mouth fell open even farther.

"Oh, yeah. It's exactly what it looks like," I lied to him. His eyes went wide as I took the box of pizza from his hands and replaced it with money.

"Bye, Sugar," Lexa said then blew him a kiss. I gave him a flirty wave then shut the door in his face.

"We're such bitches," she laughed. "But there isn't a doubt in my mind that he thought he was getting lucky tonight."

I gave my head a few quick nods. "I thought it was pretty funny. Doubt we'll ever see him again, so what's it matter?"

"I knew I loved you for a reason," Lexa laughed as she opened the box of amazing smelling pizza.

"Back at you," I said, grabbing two plates.

We sat there, stuffing our faces with pizza and pop until we were full. Then we went back to cleaning the rest of the place up. Well, I did. I don't what Alexa ended up doing. But I did hear the sweeper going again, so she must've been doing something productive.

It was eight o'clock at night by the time we were done with everything. I got there at noon. Talk about a mess.

"If you ever need help cleaning again," I began saying to Lexa and Ryan--who came home around six--while I grabbed my hoodie, keys, and phone. "Don't call me," I joked.

"Oh, I'm calling you. Can you imagine what this place would look like if you didn't come?" Lexa said.

"Exactly what it looked when I came over," I told her, walking to the door.

"Shut up. I'll talk to you later."

"Thanks for coming over," Ryan shouted from the kitchen.

"You're welcome. Tell your parents I said hi," I yelled back. "See ya, love ya, bye," I told Lex then walked out into the hallway.

"See ya, Shane," she waved as she shut her door.

I took my time for no particular reason as I made my way down the steps and to my car. I put it in reverse and drove home.

Ten minutes later, I trudged up the steps and into my apartment, saying hello to my seventy year old neighbor before I threw the door shut. I put my stuff on the kitchen counter and padded over to my couch. I looked at it for a moment, deciding which way looked the comfiest to sit down. I shrugged then flopped down face first. I picked up the remote and House came on. I hated this show. Well, not really. I just didn't like the big, fancy medical terms they always used. I couldn't understand it. I don't think anyone could, really. But House was so hard to figure it out and could be so funny, that I almost enjoyed watching the damn show.

I heard my phone faintly ring from the kitchen. I groaned and reluctantly got up to answer it, grabbing my glass of water as I walked into the kitchen. Couldn't they wait until a commercial?

"Hello?"

"Miss Shane Matthews?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"Yes.."

"I'm Officer Greg Montgomery. I'm with the Bush County Police Department here in Tampa. Your brother has passed away in a car accident," he said. "I'm sorry."

My glass of water slipped through my hands. I watched as it hit the floor, my eyes seeing it in slow motion. It fell through the air as the water bounced out of the cup and created a small puddle. As soon as the glass hit the floor, it shattered into pieces around my feet. If felt as if my heart were that glass of water--lifeless and broken. He couldn't be gone.

"What..," I breathed into the phone, my eyes becoming watery.

"Your brother, Joshua Matthews, he was killed in a head-on collision at Riverton and Center. He was pronounced dead at the scene at eight thirty-four this evening. His wife asked us if we would please call you and your parents."

I didn't want to believe it, any of it. I let the phone drop from my hand as I slid down the wall and started to let the tears fall, ignoring the voice coming from my phone. My silent tears turned into louder sobs. And my sobs resulted in me dragging myself to my bed and drenching my pillows.