Your Hand In Mine

I couldn't do it anymore, any of it. I couldn't stay another minute in the house that I had grown up in with the people who had raised me. I couldn't sit there and keep crying because Josh was gone. And I didn't want to. That was why I left.

I didn't go far, compared to how big the world was. But to some people, the distance between Pittsburgh and the Atlantic was huge. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I have a destination in mind when I left. I was just driving until there wasn't any road left. And the road ended at a beach in Delaware.

I stayed with my parents and Ashley and Ava for a week, comforting one another, until I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was always crying and saying how they would never get over his death. I could understand that--that you'll probably always shed a tear when you think about him and that you're not supposed to get over it, just accept it--but they were acting like the world was going to end. And I couldn't stand to see them all unhappy--even though when they woke up and saw that I wasn't there they'd be even more upset, but I couldn't worry about that. Because in order for me to help them see that things would start looking up, I had to help myself first. And I know that sounds sort of selfish, but it's the truth. I couldn't let them keep pulling me down when I wanted to move forward. I wasn't going to forget about my brother, but I was going to keep living and not let his death keep me depressed forever. I refused to be one of those people that was a mess three years after someone passed away, refused.

Before I left in the middle of the night, I wrote a note and placed it on the kitchen table saying that I was sorry that I wasn't going to be there when they woke up and to not call me because I wouldn't answer anyway, that I needed to be alone. Then, I walked out the front door and got in my car.

So here I was, seven hours later, sitting on the shore, watching the waves crash against the sand. I was well aware of the tears making their way down my face, but I couldn't stop them; they were going to fall no matter what. I sighed, pulling out the piece of paper I found in my pocket a week ago.

Before, my thoughts were solely consumed by Josh, but since I had gotten that piece of paper from Kris, he had taken up space in my mind, too.

I kept the paper with me and reread the words all the time. And every time I did, my mind would wonder..

When I first realized who had written it, I wondered how he had gotten it in my pocket. Did he sneak back in and slip it in my pocket when I wasn't looking or paying attention? Did he have one of the guys do it.. maybe when they gave me a hug or something? Why did he even come in the first place? He didn't talk to me, he barely even looked at me. And what did he mean by he'd always be there for me? I hadn't heard from him since I had left him, and if he wanted to be there for me, why didn't he make any effort at all to come back inside and talk to me?

Then I wondered if I really wanted him to be there for me. Every time I thought about it, I always came to the conclusion that I didn't know. I mean, I still--for some unknown and messed up reason--loved him, but did that mean if he came back I'd feel better and be happy?

And that's usually where I would stop thinking about it and shove it back in my pocket, irritated at what he could still make me feel and think. If Josh hadn't passed away, then I wouldn't have even had that paper. But I couldn't blame him.

I hadn't shown anyone the paper, or even told them about it, either, not a soul.

I didn't do much the rest of the time I was on the beach, just sat on the shore and watched the scenery, by myself. The sun grew higher and higher as the day went on. The salty smell coming from the sea filled my nose while the cold waves crashed against my feet. I drew small hearts and words with my fingers, only to have them be washed away by the water. I repeatedly picked up the dry sand behind me and let it pour through my fingers. For once, it felt good to be alone. I didn't really want to be alone, but it was what I needed. I didn't want to hear everyone's sobs or see the permanent frowns on their faces.

I had always heard people say that you needed your family to get through something like this, and up until now, I had believed them. It was all knew to me. Sure, I'd lost two of my grandparents, but I wasn't as close to them as I was with Josh, and I was under the age of ten when both of them had died. I didn't really know much about it, other than a lot of people were sad and crying and that Nana and Pappy weren't going to be giving me Gummy Bears anymore. Being around people who cared for Josh as much as I did, it made it even harder for me. And then add the note from Kris..

I slid off my jacket and let the heat of the sun warm my skin. My head fell backwards as I leaned back on my hands, smiling up at the sun. In that moment, I felt okay--not happy or radiant, just okay. And that was a step towards being myself again.

The ringing of my phone pulled me out of that moment, and I wished I had remembered to put it on silent, or turn it off all-together.

It was Alexa.

I reluctantly hit the little green phone button because I knew she'd keep calling and when I didn't answer she'd send out search and rescue.

"Where the fuck are you? Do you have any idea how worried your parents are, how worried I am? You can't just fucking leave like that, Shane." I deserved the tone she was throwing at me, really. I'd probably act the same way. "You're lucky your mother isn't in the hospital because you scared her so fucking bad. She's a fucking mess, on top of your brother being dead. So, once again where the fuck a-"

"Would you just shut up?"

"Fine. But you better tell me what the hell is wrong with you. Don't lie to me, and don't feed me bullshit. Neither one of us needs that right now."

"SHUT THE HELL UP," I told her.

"Just tell me where the fuck you are," she demanded.

"A beach in Delaware."

"DELAWARE?! Are you fucking kidding me?"

I sighed, fighting the urge to scream back at my best friend. "No. I left last night and got here around ten. I didn't plan on coming here, I was just driving. I needed to get away from everyone," I told her like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Don't even think about driving out here to get me, either."

"I wasn't going to. I get that you need to be by yourself to get through all this shit, but seriously, you should have called or something or told us where you were going," she said, calming down significantly. I was about to tell her that I didn't even know where I was headed, but she read my mind. "Yeah, yeah. I know you didn't where the hell you were going, but still."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"When are you coming back?" she asked me.

"I don't know," I said, letting out a breath, shrugging. "I'll probably stay here until the sun sets, then head home. I'm not entirely sure, though."

"Okay, good. Because we have to find center pieces for all the tables tomorrow."

"Can't you take Ryan, or his parents? They're still there, aren't they?"

"No. They left about an hour ago, and Ryan has to work. So it's just me and you."

I groaned. "Awesome."

"I have to get going, and I'm sure you want to spend some time by yourself. After all, that is is what you went out there to do."

"Yeah," I told her as I nodded my head. "I'll see you tomorrow. Will you tell my parents that I'm okay, and I'll be back soon?"

"No, but you can."

"Lex," I sighed. "I can't. I can't go back there, I can't call them. It would ruin..," I drifted, trying to find the right words as I raked a hand through my hair. "It would ruin everything I'm trying to do to move forward again."

"Then you better find a way. Be careful, drive safe, all that.. I'll see you tomorrow," she said then ended the call.

"See ya, love ya, bye," I mumbled out loud. At least she scared enough to call and say what needed to be said.

I drew another heart in the wet sand then watched it disappear. I let out another sigh and started humming along to a song that wasn't actually playing. I knew the words, though, so I made lines in the sand, forming the lyrics.

Yesterday was full of tears, knowing death has just been here
All was lost but not forgot, the pain controls my every thought
A new day's battle has begun, all was lost and nothing's won
I can't wait to see the day, when the tears all go away
I miss you, I kissed you, when we layed you in your grave
And I need you, to believe you, things were meant to be this way
Today came with shattered dreams, everything's not what it seems
Don't think death won't come get you, because it will life's misconstrued
And though my battle's just begun, I'm dropping arms and going to run
I can't wait to see the day, when the tears all go away

When the final line had turned back into smooth sand, matching the rest of the shore, I lifted my head and looked out to the horizon, hoping the sunset would take its time as tears stained my cheeks.