Your Hand In Mine

- Shane -

As I sat on my couch, staring at nothing but the black of my TV screen, Alexa's words kept repeating through my head. "Maybe once you're finally and completely happy you'll be able to say you're sorry."

So, maybe I wasn't completely happy, but by making amends with my family.. maybe I could really let go of all the sorrow I felt from my brother's death, and the guilt I felt for leaving in the middle of the night. Maybe that was part of becoming completely happy. And I figured now was a good time to do it.

Twenty minutes later I had arrived at my mom and dad's house. I took my time as I walked up the sidewalk before I knocked on the door a few times, a little scared of how my parents were going to react when they saw me on their doorstep.

A little less than a minute passed by before my father opened the door. At first, he was shocked, but then his face softened as he pulled me into a hug. "Glad you decided to come back home, kiddo," he told me.

"Me, too," I replied, stepping out of his arms and following him inside the house.

As soon as my mom saw me step into the kitchen, she immediately put down the potato and knife she was using and ran over to me, holding on to me for dear life. "I was so worried about you. You were here one minute and gone the next. Don't ever do anything like that to me again, okay? I can't lose another child, you're all I have left," she spoke quickly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I know, I'm sorry. That's sort of why I came back, though. I wanted to apologize for taking off like that, but it was something I had to do," I told her.

"Are you going to stay for dinner?" she asked me, completely changing the subject.

"I hadn't planned on it, but yeah, sure. I haven't eaten all day anyway," I said. "Do you need some help?" I offered, looking past her at all the food and dishes scattered across the counters.

"Sure," she smiled, her mood brightening. "You can finish cutting up the potatoes while I get the salad ready. Your dad was supposed to be cooking the steak," she said in a loud voice, hinting to my father that he was slacking. "But I guess one of us will have to do it."

"Oh, pipe it, Donna. As soon as they show the weather I'll go put them on the grill," my dad threw back from his spot on the couch.

"Yeah, whatever, John." I could only laugh at my parents' immaturity.

About a half an hour later, everything was ready, and we sat down at the kitchen table to eat.

"So, what brings you back home?" my dad asked me, raising his eyes from the steak he was cutting to look at me.

"I feel really bad about taking off in the middle of the night and only leaving a note. I just.. I had a hard time staying here. There was too much that reminded me of Josh. And Ashley and Ava were staying here, and I couldn't handle it. I know that it sort of makes me pathetic and look somewhat like a coward because I can't deal with my own feelings and emotions, but leaving without nobody knowing where I was going or trying to call me was what I needed, I guess," I answered. "Even if I was only gone for a day."

"Oh, Shane.. That doesn't make you a coward. Lots of people need to get away for a while after something big happens," my mom told me, earning herself a shrug.

"So, if you needed to leave, why couldn't you just wait until the morning and tell us, then head back to your apartment? It would have been much easier on you mother and I," came from my dad's mouth before he took a bite of his salad.

I let a sigh escape my lips. "I thought about going back to my place, I did. But it didn't take long for me to realize that if I went back home I'd only lay around in bed."

"What's wrong with that? You sleep until two anyway," my dad joked as he waved his fork with a potato stuck on the end of it for dramatic effect.

"Actually, I only sleep until twelve. I have to work, remember?" I teased back. "I would have to get up earlier for school, but it's summer break."

"Would you pass me the ketchup?" my mom asked me before I gave the bottle to her.

"Anyway, I couldn't go back home. I was still dealing with everything that happened between me and Kris, and then Josh's death on top of that. Everywhere I look something reminds me of Kris. I mean, I have a hard time feeding my fish without thinking of him. I haven't made pancakes in months, and I can't listen to certain songs. Everything reminds me of him," I said. "And then Josh.. I would pass bars we used to go to on the South Side, and there's pictures of me and him, all of us, all over my apartment. I would see scars he gave me every time I looked in the mirror. The birthday card he sent me is still sitting on a shelf in my room. And I know I was only gone for a day, but it did me a lot of good. I think that's when I started to stop being so upset over the little things that served as memories."

"If you didn't go home, where did you go?" my mom said, taking a sip of her iced tea.

"Lexa didn't tell you?"

"No. We called her to see where you went, but she had no idea that you were even gone," she replied.

"That explains why she was so pissed when I answered the phone," I sort of mumbled. "I went the whole way to Delaware," I told them quietly. My dad choked on his water, while my mom's mouth hung open slightly.

"You what?" my dad asked.

"Went the whole way to Delaware.. To the ocean, actually," I repeated. "I didn't really plan on going there, I was just sort of driving," I explained with a shrug, cutting some of my steak.

"Could you drive somewhere closer next time? Like, I don't know.. Philly? Harrisburg? Hell, you could have even gone to Cleveland," my dad requested.

"Jesus, John. If that's where and what she needed to do to get through it all, then you should be okay with that," my mom said.

"Sorry," he apologized before changing the subject. "How's Kris? I saw him at the funeral, along with Staal and Fleury, and.. Who else came?"

"He came?" my mom said, somewhat shocked. When I first learned they were there, I was, too. "Did you even tell any of them that your brother passed away? Last I heard you hadn't talked to them."

"Max came, Dad. And TK. Jordan said that Sidney tried to come, but he couldn't get out of whatever it was he was doing. And I didn't tell them, Alexa and her big mouth did. I mean, I probably would've let them know sooner or later, but I didn't want to tell them and make them feel like they had to come. None of them had even met Josh," I told my parents.

"Kris did," my dad reminded me. "You brought him to your brother's surprise party, remember? He fit right in. Josh told me he could easily tell that Kris liked you, too. He read my mind and told me not to worry, that Kris was a good guy."

"Yeah, I guess they did meet," I said, remembering how nervous Kris was to meet my family. "But still, I didn't even want anything to do with him. He was only in there for like, two minutes before he answered his phone and walked back out the door."

"Maybe it was important," my mother reasoned. It could've been, who knows. "How do you feel about him now? Have you talked to him?" What was with all the questions?

"Honestly?" I paused. "Yeah, I still love him, but we haven't said a word to each other since February second." Well, that wasn't entirely true. He did leave me a note..

"I hate to see you so upset over what he did. It's just not right," my father said, shaking his head.

I smiled. I mean, really smiled. "He didn't." My parents just looked at me. "I asked Max to meet me so I could figure out if he was the one who really drew the tally. I don't think I've ever heard him be so serious and so honest. And now I feel like crap because I didn't believe a word that came out of Kris' mouth."

"So he didn't have sex with some other girl?" my mom questioned. I shook my head. "Have you called him?"

"I just told you that I haven't said a word to him since February," I laughed. "And I know I have to be the one to fix it, but I can't call and be like, 'I'm sorry. I still love you. Will you forgive me?' It's something I have to do in person, you know?" I replied, finishing off my salad.

"Well, when do you plan on doing that?" my mom asked. God, they were so nosey. At least they cared.. Right?

"He's probably back in Montreal by now. So, I was thinking about waiting until the season starts up again and I was just going to stand in the small crowd by the gate after a game and hope he saw me or hand him the stupid flamingo he won me to sign. Because there's no way I can fly up to Montreal; I don't have the money, nor do I know where he lives. I'm sure I could find out from Marc, though. I just can't afford it either way."

"As long as your happy, that's all that matters, kiddo. I wonder what would happen if he found someone else while you two were apart..," he wondered out loud, earning a smack in the arm from his wife.

I frowned a little bit. "I know that's a possibility, but Max told me that Kris was beside himself and that he wouldn't stop loving me. I don't know if that's entirely true, but I'm hoping for the best," I explained. "So, how are you guys?" I asked after a minute or so, feeling a little bad that conversation was mainly focussed on me.

"We're okay. Just taking it day by day. I still have a hard time passing by his old room, that's why it stays shut. But we go out, do things normal people do. We're almost back to how things used to be," my mom told me, rubbing her thumb on my dad's hand.

"Good, I'm glad," I smiled. "I didn't want any of us being stuck and depressed years after. I didn't want him not being here anymore to destroy our family, either. I'm happy you guys are okay," I told them. "Hey, how's Ash and Ava doing? Did they go back to Florida?"

"Yeah, they left two weeks after the funeral. She calls pretty frequently, though, so it's almost like she's still here. But they're planning on coming back up here to stay. Ashley just has to pack everything up and sell the house. She's looking at a smaller house not to far from here, actually," my mom explained.

"That's great. There was nothing down in Florida for them anymore, anyway. I don't know why she would have stayed. And it'll be nice that they'll be close to you."

We were all pretty much finished with dinner after that. I stayed and helped my mom clean up, something my dad would've normally done, but he was too busy sleeping on the couch. My mom told me that she was going to bed and that I could stay as long as I wanted, just try not to wake up my dad.

I wondered outside and sat on one of the chairs on the deck. Then I pulled out my phone and called Ashley. I couldn't afford to fly down to Florida and apologize, either, but I didn't want to wait any longer to say that I was sorry. It was a different situation than the one Kris and I were in, I suppose.

She picked up on the third ring and was ecstatic to hear from me. I told her that I was sorry, and she told me that she understood and she felt like picking up and leaving, too. We talked about her coming back to Pittsburgh and leaving Florida behind. I told her that if she needed anything that I was only a phone call away. Then Ava got on the phone and started telling me that as soon as she came back up here, we were going to play Barbies. She told me she kept her promise and didn't forget about her dad. Then she asked me if I had kept my promise about remembering Josh. I had. After that, Ash got back on the phone since it was time for Ava to go to bed, and we said our goodbyes then hung up.

When we were done talking, I put my phone back in my pocket as I headed back inside, smiling. I had finally made things right with my family. I grabbed a sheet of paper and told my parents that I loved them and that I was heading home, not to Delaware. After I put the pen back in the drawer, I grabbed the magnet we got at Myrtle Beach at least ten years ago and stuck my note to the fridge. I know I left the same way last time, but I guess it was different this time. I knew that my parents weren't going to freak out and come looking for me.

As I pulled the front door shut, I couldn't help but think that my brother's death was just a chapter in the past, and that I wasn't closing the book, I was just turning the page.

Josh's book had run out of pages, not mine; mine was just beginning.