Over and Done

We eat lunch in silence. Tom’s buying today and I’m just glad he still wants to see me. I keep waking up in the middle of the night from a dream that I can’t remember exactly. I know it’s about Tom, and I only ever make it to the part where he tells me that he wishes we weren’t friends. Maybe this is why I don’t say anything as he sits across from me at the restaurant, because I’m worried that if I say the wrong thing, my dream will jump out of my head and become reality.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I know everything isn’t alright. I’m cracking or breaking. And I wish that this didn’t happen all the time. The last time, during the Peter/Oli drama, I was certain that I would never come back from that edge. I would simply dive into the deep end and float on forever and forever.

I am scared. Because I can feel ruin approaching. And I’m to blame.

Oli’s leaving for a few weeks. They’re recording a new album and we’re all stupid excited about it. Though I don’t want him to go. I know that we’re not officially serious, and I know that I don’t see him every day anyway. But he balances me. Keeps me normal. Because he is so manic. We are the same. We are perfect. Does he see that? Does anyone see it? Or am I imagining it? “This isn’t real. This is a dream,” I told him once. And it’s a shame that it still feels that way, even on the good days. He told me not to say things like that. But how can I know it’s real if no one ever tells me so.

--- Tom would still come to Birmingham a few times a week, usually accompanied by his brother. Oli would whisper updates in my ear when Tom wasn’t paying attention. Oli seemed more concerned about Tom than I was. My concern was wrapped up, selfishly, in the strained relationship between us. I was watching us dissolve and no one else seemed to notice.

“He seems better.” Katie came up to me in the kitchen while Oli and Tom were arguing about a video game in the living room. It was funny to us because Katie and I didn’t believe in any other game console aside from Super Nintendo; but the Sykes brothers could fight about anything, even Super Mario World. “It’s good to see him acting normal again,” she said, directing her eyes through the doorway.

“Normal?” It had been barely three weeks. He didn’t seem normal to me.

“He’s smiling again.” Katie was still hung up on my best friend. I wouldn’t have minded under normal circumstances, but at the time, it was just another thing standing in my way.

“Yeah…” Maybe he was smiling at Katie, but definitely not at me. This information was enough to distract me. And to convince me that there was really a problem between us. Up to this point, I’d thought I was only being paranoid, seeing trouble where there was none. But as I watched him bicker casually with Oli, I realized it wasn’t just paranoia on my part. There was some validity to my worry. I swear.

I was making dinner for everyone that night. Gracie and Nicholls were on their way too. It was some warped version of a dinner party, before they were going away to record. I was making an enormous quantity of Thai tofu stir-fry. It wouldn’t have been difficult if I hadn’t taken it upon myself to chop all the vegetables fresh. It was giving me entirely too much time to overthink, since I was being mostly left alone. With the occasional Oli intrusion.

“O’right there?” He came and stood next to me, leaning against the counter. “Yeh need help?”

“Hmm, no.” I shook my head and didn’t look up.

He picked up a piece of sliced green pepper off my cutting board. “No?” He took another piece.

“Watch yeh fingers,” I said.

He pulled his hand away from my knife and placed it on my hip. “Everythin okay?”

I looked over at him, not wanting him to get suspicious, and gave a very obviously fake smile. “Yeah, of course, why?”

“Because yeh actin funny.”

I looked back down at the peppers on the chopping block. “Funny? Yeah, how’s that?”

He put his other hand on me. “Hey… Savanna.” He pulled my hips into him. “Yeh not foolin me.”

“Let go, Oli, I’ve gotta get this together.”

His hands slipped away and he looked rather cross with me. “Fine,” he said and bent down, kissing my cheek rigidly, then left.

My paranoia was beginning to extend also into my relationship with Oli. Something was corrupt there too. The lacking title. The thorn in my other side, as it were. I was becoming convinced it was a game, just as I’d convinced myself years before. But I wasn’t sixteen and Oli wasn’t stupid. At least not stupid enough to break my heart twice. Right? Right. Maybe. But assuming he was not that stupid, why did he never use the word ‘girlfriend’? Why was I never introduced as anything other than ‘Savanna, you know, Tom’s mate’? Was I making too much out of nothing? Was I going mental?

Yes, definitely going insane. When Gracie came into the kitchen, I nearly flipped the wok over because she frightened me so much.

“Little jumpy there, are we?” Gracie put her arm around me and I tried to catch my breath.

“Sorry, I was thinkin is all.”

“Yeh seem a bit wound up,” she said.

“Cookin, yeh know.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Drinks are over there.” I pointed to the extensive array of liquor Oli had so kindly stocked. He was intending to have more people over after dinner, I suspected. A party. But he just wasn’t telling me. Katie probably knew about it. They told her those things, but not me. “Where’s Matt?”

“In here!” I heard a shout form the living room, but he didn’t come to see me even though I’d not seen him in several weeks. Matt was with Tom, and I wasn’t offended. Because they’d taken to making sure Tom was never alone, like maybe they were worried he’d do something stupid if he was. I very seriously doubted that he would.

“How is e?” Gracie spoke very quietly.

“Who?”

“What’d yeh mean who?” Gracie looked at me like I was completely off my rocker. “Tom,” she whispered.

“Oh, right, o course… E’s fine.”

“Yeah?” She was skeptical.

“Yeah, he seems better.” I was quoting Katie as I finished up the food.

Gracie went over to make herself a drink. When she done, she leaned against the counter just as Oli had done, and she stared at me while sipping her Jack and Coke. “Ef Tom’s fine, then what’s wrong with yeh?”

“What? Nothin’s wrong.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeh actin weird.”

I slammed one of the plates down on the counter and said, much louder and harsher than necessary, “Why does everyone keep sayin that?!”

Gracie swallowed a large gulp of her drunk and didn’t say anything.

Confirmation of my insanity. I’d blown a fuse and burnt out. I’d come unwound for no reason.

I took Katie’s metal cigarette case from the counter, and made a straight shot for the apartment door. I rarely ever smoked cigarettes, but I needed an excuse to go outside, in case of a total Anna meltdown, which seemed imminent. I didn’t bother to look at any of the confused faces on my way out. Of course everyone would be there when I was totally losing my mind. That’s how my luck worked.

I was betting money that Katie or Oli would come after me. They seemed the most likely to care. Gracie might have, only to set me straight for snapping at her.

I lit one of Katie’s Marlboro Full Flavors—cowboy killers as she called them. I gagged at the first hit but suffered through the next few drags until it wasn’t so bad.

It took several minutes before I was followed at all. And to my surprise, it was Tom that had come. He must have been elected.

“Give me that,” he said, pointing to the half-smoked cigarette. I handed it to him and he began smoking it. “Yeh shouldn’t smoke, Anna.”

“Neither should yeh.”

“Yeh shouldn’t START smoking,” he corrected without looking at me. His voice was dull and lifeless. He’d just been laughing with Oli and Matt, but couldn’t even muster a smile for me. And that was all I needed from him, to show a little affection. To tell me that I was just being foolish in thinking that anything was wrong between us. If only he would have smiled, I would have known that I was just being silly. But he didn’t smile.

“Yeh didn’t ave to come out ere,” I said.

“Apparently I did.” It was his obligation. “Yeh were throwin a temper tantrum an stormed out.” It was rude the way he said it.

“Wasn’t a temper tantrum…”

He popped a cold laugh, not amused. And I didn’t want it to be this way. I didn’t want him to feel he had to come after me. I didn’t want him to resent me. I didn’t want him to hate me and just be too nervous to say it. I’d rather know it, because then I could learn how to deal with. Or learn how to change it.

“I don’t understand, why’re yeh actin like that?” I put my hand on my hip, trying to be strong instead of weak. I could pretend all I wanted, but I wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Acting like what?”

“Yeh’re being a goddamn wanker to me.” It wasn’t totally true. He wasn’t being overt about his wankerness. It was his reservation that was the cruelest. A passive anger. One that seemed unfair to call him out on, but one that needed to be resolved none the less.

“I am not.”

“We sat in complete silence at lunch today.” This was bad evidence but I thought it worked as well as any.

“Okay?” Apathy or ambivalence clouded him, I couldn’t tell which.

“Tom!” I just wanted him to talk to me, to tell me what the hell was going on. “Yeh angry with me.”

He didn’t say anything.

“See, yeh won’t even deny it.” I watched as he averted his eyes. “Is it because yeh agree with Evie about who’s to blame?” I just asked the question that had been on my mind, instead of letting it stew any longer.

And he exploded. All passivenesses dissolving. “Jesus Christ, Anna,” he hissed. “What the hell is goin on in yeh head? Yeh’re fuckin insane sometimes.” He was nearly spinning in circles that he was pacing so quickly. He saved up his anger for years. A person so cool and calm was bound to blow up eventually. “Yeh think I AGREE with ‘er? Yeh think I blame yeh for what happened? No, Savanna, I’m not angry at yeh because I agree with ‘er, I’m angry with yeh because yeh agree with ‘er.”

“What?” I was still stinging from his use of my full name. In my experience, he only said it when he was very very angry. And I’d only ever experienced it once before. The night Oli and I had been in the accident that left a metal plate in my arm.

“Yeh’ve got it all wrapped up in yeh head that yeh’re responsible for all the fuckin rubbish in the world… in my world. Yeh not responsible for any of it. Bad things happen, all the fuckin time. For no reason. But yeh seem to make them worse by just bein there, moping around.”

My brain was buzzing, flipping through the words over and over again. I made things worse. It was true. I couldn’t deny it, couldn’t argue it. I didn’t want to. I just gawked at Tom with blind amazement. And this was the first time I ever hated him. I hated him because he’d only ever been this harsh with me once before. I hated him because he always treated me with the utmost concern and regard, and thus left me unprepared for these times when he treated me like shit. It was hard to fight back, because I knew he was justified. “How the hell am I supposed to know yeh think that? Yeh never say shit. Yeh just let it bubble below the surface because yeh think I can’t handle it. Yeh don’t ‘ave to baby me, or treat me like a child.”

“Yes I do.” He was still cold and furious. “Because yeh act like a child, starved for fuckin attention. Constantly.”

Not knowing what else to say, I jabbed a finger his direction and simply spat “Fuck yeh.”

--

I didn’t want to go back into the flat, but that’s where the liquor was and I was about to get royally hammered. I didn’t want to have to explain the situation to the four people who would be most interested in this particular fight. I decided that I would say nothing, but that kind of went to hell when I walked through the door.

“What the fuck jus happened?” Gracie said. She was confused and she liked to be at the center of a controversy.

“Nothin,” I grunted, headed directly for the kitchen, where I promptly began pouring tequila. First into a shot glass, and then into a red party cup.

“Where’d Tom go?” Oli followed me into the kitchen ahead of everyone else. “Where’s e gone?”

“Dunno.” I did the shot of tequila and ignored the looks of surprise I was getting.

Katie stepped to my side and said “What’d we miss?”

“Nothin,” I repeated. “Jus forget about it.” I went to the fridge to get something to mix into my cup, but found nothing that suited me. So I just drank the tequila in my cup straight, with a massive cringe when it was gone. I coughed a little bit, wincing as the alcohol hit my stomach.

“Anna?” Gracie said, coming close to me, nervous with concern. It was a look that didn’t suit her. I preferred the carefree, worryless Gracie. She made me anxious when she acted maternal.

“Sorry I snapped at yeh earlier, Graceann,” I told her. I didn’t want to start any unnecessary drama, especially with another of my best friends.

“It’s fine.” She waved it off, probably already having forgotten about it. “We saw yeh and Tom havin a row outside.”

“Yeh saw it? How?”

“Through the window,” Katie admitted. “But we couldn’t hear any of it.”

“Good,” I said, going back over to the table where the bottles sat. I reached again for the Cuervo, but Oli immediately snatched the bottle from me.

“Slow down, Sav.”

“I’m not even gonna bring up the irony of yeh tellin me to slow down.”

“Don’t be a bitch,” he said.

I didn’t look any of them directly in the eye. Instead I said “Yeh all should eat this food before it’s too cold.”

Oli took a hold of my wrist, and he looked livid. “What’re yeh doin fightin with Tom? Especially after all the shit e’s been through lately.”

“It’s nothin, jus leave it alone.”

“Leave it alone?” Gracie squawked. “’S a sign of the bloody apocalypse ef the two of yeh fight.”

“No,” I shook my head. “It really isn’t.”

“Anna, come on.” Katie was clearly playing good cop to Gracie and Oli’s bad cops. Matt was staying out of the way completely. “Do you know where Tom went?”

“No.”

“He didn’t say anything?”

“No, I think my shoutin “fuck yeh” scared him away.” I was cold and totally unapologetic. They all thought they understood what it was like for Tom and I, that we had a functioning system in place. No. We were chaotic and accidental, at best.

“Savanna.” Oli sounded as if he were scolded his dog.

“Oliver.” I mocked him and yanked my hand out of his grip, then reached for one of the other bottles of liquor sitting on the table. I didn’t care which. I ended up with the Absolut, Katie’s choice. I swept it up and sped off towards my room. All of them were too stunned to move as fast as me. I made it to my door before anyone was even in the hallway, and I promptly slammed and locked it. I was becoming artful at running away.

I uncapped the vodka and pressed the bottle to my lips. It was foul and I was going to regret this in the morning. I was already regretting my actions. My temper tantrums and immature behavior. Tom was right; I acted like a child. Everything was about me me me. And it wasn’t anybody else that made it this way. I did it all on my own.

I looked around my bedroom. It was lined with drawings and photographs, as my old room had been. Drawings I’d done, photographs Tom had taken. Together they made a mosaic of our life. Gigs and parties and rainy English days. They were weaved together seamlessly, as if they were just parts of a whole. Two parts of a whole. That’s Tom and I. And he was the important part as far as I was concerned.

The inevitable knock came. I wanted it to be Katie at the door, with her boisterous sweetness. She lived with me; she was used to bouts of insanity on my part. She could handle me best when I was like this. But it wasn’t Katie.

“What the hell is wrong with yeh, Savanna?” Oli yelled. He was angry, and he didn’t get angry with me a lot. But I liked it a little. It suited him, I think. Maybe that was why he was in a metal band.

“Nothin.”

“Bullocks.” He pounded on the door again. “Let me in.”

“No.”

“Really? This is how yeh gonna play it?” He groaned.

“Yep.”

“Yeh can’t be serious.”

“Please just go away.”

“No.” He was endlessly stubborn, this I knew. He’d wait out there all night if he had to, if he wanted to. I just had to make him not want to. Because I very sincerely did not want him around. He was part of the reason I was going insane anyway. The way he kept our relationship so casual and cool. Like we were just friends maybe, just friends who fucked. Never once bringing up the possibility that we were something more. I was having bitter flashbacks to the first time. I was losing it. “What were yeh thinking yellin at him like that?” His voice was lower now, more serious.

“Who says it was me that was doin the yellin?”

“Because it’s o’ways yeh startin it.” He was probably making a fair point. But it felt very unfounded.

“For yer fuckin information, e was yellin at me.” I took another gulp of the vodka in my hand. “So fuck off, Oli.”

“Savanna…”

“Don’t fuckin ‘Savanna’ me. I don’t wanna hear it.” Another gulp. “Tom’s a grown up and e can take care of imself, so quit worryin about im.”

“’S not im I’m worried about right now.” He was still irritated with me though, I could hear it in his voice.

“Me then?” I laughed. “What reason d’yeh got to be worried about me?”

“Don’t play stupid. Yeh’ve been actin weird all night.”

“And?”

“And that worries me.”

“Yeh don’t gotta worry about me. I’m not yer problem.”

“What the fuck d’yeh mean yeh’re not my problem?”

“I mean I’m jus Tom’s mate an all.” Why was I being this way? Unnecessarily cruel.

“What are yeh—“ He raised his voice but was cut off by someone out there with him.

“She okay?” It was Matt, trying to be discrete.

“She’s fuckin fine,” Oli said, a coldness seeping into the words. “She jus wants to be left alone.”

“Yes!” I yelled. “Please!”

I heard Matt walk away and down the hall. One more time, Oli tried. His voice wasn’t angry anymore. “Please let me in, I just wanna talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

He seemed to get why I was unhappy with him, I think. And I hated the way he understood things about me without even trying. He always had. “Don’t be this way.”

The way he’d said it made me feel bad for being the way I was, for always causing more trouble than was necessary. And I said “Sorry.”

“I’ll be out here whenever yeh’re ready.”

“Thanks.”