Cabin Fever

Had? The word stung me more than I ever thought possible. It shouldn't have by any accord. But as my mind replayed his words over and over the past tense of had hurt more and more with each repetition. I had feelings for you, I had feelings for you, I had feelings for you. My mind blanked after the fiftieth reel.

“Bullshit,” I managed weakly, unable to comprehend it at all. “Usually when someone has feelings for another someone they just want to spend time with that person.”

Alex scrubbed his hands over his face as he started pacing around the porch. “You don't get it Lauren.”

What's not to get? I wanted to scream but I refrained as I watched him pace. It stung to have him lie to me about something as important as feelings but I guess on top of everything else Alex turned into a liar, too.

“You didn't have feelings for me Alex. Because even you, being the douche you are, would have the decency to leave differently if that were the case,” I deadpanned.

The man before me winced slightly before shaking his head. “You don't understand. If Cooke fucking knew I developed feelings for you I never would have heard the end of it.”

My anger level flew from three to fifty in .2 seconds after his words sunk in. I never would have heard the end of it, what a cowards excuse.

“Fuck you. I can't believe I ever thought you were something other than you are, a complete douche bag. I can't fucking wait until this weekend is over.”

Without waiting for a response I turned on my heel and went back inside. I ignored Alex's calls for me to stop, to just listen to him and instead slammed the door to my room. I glanced around at the bare walls looking for something, anything I could throw and break just to release some tension. Something that Olivia and Ryan wouldn't miss too much but the walls were too bare and the only thing really breakable was either mine or the lamp. No dice.

I peeled off my clothes and changed into clean pajamas before crawling into my cold bed. Outside my window the storm that just won't leave thrashed against the house with angry winds and furious rain. The lightning light up my dark room and thunder shook me to the core as I tried to stare at the ceiling and free my mind.

It seemed as though I wasn't going to be able to do that. Everything I managed to think of somehow related back to the stupid imbecile in the room just a few doors down from mine. Frustration flooded my veins as Alex took complete dominance of my mind, his cocky little smirk, the way his lips felt against mine, the look in his eyes as he told me he had feelings for me, they all swarmed my mind and pooled together to create a tidal wave of Alex.

Despite all the pleasant things Alex had made me feel he's still a mostly negative factor in my life. Not only did he make a bet with a teammate that he could get in my pants, he lied about having feelings for me, too. Those are two low blows that you can't just ignore no matter how badly you wish to look the other way. But that's also Alex for you, he's a swirl of mixed emotions that sucks you in and spits you out before you even know what happened.

And I for some unfathomable reason like that. I like not knowing what to expect from him. He was always so spontaneous and doing things out of the blue but I never imagined that transferred into his feelings, as well. The physical side of that swirl is wondrous but the mental side? Not so much. But it is something that's tolerable.

Mainly because I doubt that's really how his mind operates. He's probably as confused as I am and though I can make these excuses for him all I want, they still don't matter and the bottom line is Alex still hurt me. The only question is did I overreact or not? No, of course not, he lied and tricked his way into your pants then and almost did it again yesterday.

There is no way Alex actually harbors any feelings for me other than the desire to get into my pants. Guys who have feelings for you are usually caring and sweet not manipulative and full of secrets. They hold you and ask how your day was, they don't shove you against a wall and assault you with their lips and leave words out of the equation.

Yet why do I feel like shit?

I willed my mind to shut down as I stared at the ceiling; the thoughts of Alex were becoming a little too strong for my liking. All I wanted was for them to stop, for me to be able to fall to dreamland where maybe dream!Alex wouldn't be quiet as douchey as real!Alex. But life doesn't work like that and sometimes no matter how hard you want your mind to turn itself off, it won't. The only feasible option seemed to be to talk to Alex.

Maybe I did overreact. I didn't exactly hear him out...

I stayed in bed for what felt like centuries before I finally rolled out and made my way into the dim hallway. The house felt eerily quiet as I traipsed through it on my way to my destination. The only noise that could be heard was the faint sound of voices coming from a TV, most likely the one in Danielle's room. On my way past I peeked in and saw her sleeping soundly just as I left her a few hours ago.

My eyes flitted to the Hello Kitty clock on her bedside table. The bright pink numbers glared at me, 2:27. A soft groan slid past my lips as I shut the door to her room softly and made my way down the hall once more. The door to Alex's room was shut as I expected it to be but I couldn't bring myself to knock.

I turned the knob and prayed to myself that he wouldn't be doing anything unsavory. The door squeaked open and captured the attention of the man lying on the bed. He glanced at me, his hands folded behind his head as he lay there, above the covers. Alex looked quite sexy, staring at me with such nonchalance, as if he expected me to show up in his room at this ungodly hour.

The lightning outside lit up the room and showed me the small smile sitting on his lips. I shut the door lightly behind me after stepping into the bedroom. Alex barely moved as I closed the space between us and crawled onto the bed beside him. Every fiber of my being wanted to curl up beside him, to meld my body to his but I resisted the urge and instead sat facing him in a cross-legged position.

Silence aside from the storm raging outside filled the room. A shiver twirled up my spine as I watched Alex intently, wondering just what that smile was about. He looked far too smug for my liking. I opened my mouth to ask him what it was all about but a loud clap of thunder beat me to the punch. I nearly jumped out of my skin as the thunder rolled for what felt like forever.

”You okay?” Alex murmured, his voice soft and raspy. Another shiver twirled up my spine, this time from pleasure. The tidal wave it created sent goosebumps over my skin.

”Fine,” I lied softly. In truth my heart was thundering in my chest and my hands were trembling ever so slightly. The constant raging storm was wearing on my nerves and my piece of mind. All I can picture is a power line falling and sparking, ending in the house on fire.

I could feel Alex’s eyes on me as I fiddled with the hem of my green mesh shorts. My mouth went dry as I felt his fingers curl under my chin and coax my head up to look at him. His eyes, even in the dim light from the moon, looked intense and inquisitive as they bore through me. He cocked his head to the side and stared at me for a moment before swiping his thumb softly over my lips and jaw.

I shuddered but refused to back away from his gentle touch. Even with confusion pumping through my veins.

”I don’t believe you,” Alex whispered as he inched closer to me. His hand slid from my chin down to my own hands resting in my lap. His fingers closed around mine gently and his thumb started rubbing soft circles on my wrist. “It’s okay to be afraid,” he mumbled almost bashfully.

I couldn’t help but get the feeling that he was talking about more than just the crazy storm running amuck outside. My stomach twisted in somersaults as I watched him. His eyes were on me as his hands continued their comforting motions but I couldn’t help but wonder why.

Just a few hours ago we were yelling at each other. Or rather I was yelling at him but he was so accepting of me as soon as I stepped into his room. He was being so gentle, so calming, and so sweet despite all of the arguing we’ve been doing.

I pulled my hands from his grasp as it occurred to me that he could be simply trying to get into my pants. “No,” I told him firmly as I scooted backwards on the bed, effectively putting space between us.

”What?” Alex questioned, obviously taken aback.

I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair before twisting it into a haphazard bun on top of my head. “I'm not doing this, I'm not going to just forget about what happened earlier or anything that has happened this weekend for that matter. Do you even understand how bad you hurt me? Or why I can't believe your half-assed excuse of 'I had feelings for you'?”

A loud groan floated from Alex's lips as he tugged at the ends of his hair. “You're so frustrating. Don't you get it Lauren? I couldn't exactly start up a relationship back then and I didn't want to.”

His words felt like a tonne of bricks dropping on my head repeatedly. I didn't want to.

“Wait that didn't come out right,” Alex started again, his voice frantic and panicky. “I did want to but the time wasn't right.”

Tired excuses, I thought to myself as I fell back on the bed. In reality I just had to suck it up and deal with the fact that Alex and I both wanted very different things when everything originally happened. And that it was the past.

“It doesn't matter now,” I replied softly but the lie was loud and apparent through my words. I cringed as I waited for Alex to rip into me.

“Lauren,” Alex called softly, “Come here.”

I refused to move. My mind was spinning as I listened not for Alex but the storm raging outside. Fitting, I thought bitterly. Inside of me a storm was raging and wearing me down just like outside.

I felt the bed dip slightly before arms wrapped around me and pulled me up. Alex wrapped his arms around me as I curled into his chest. All of the stress of fighting was finally getting to me and finally breaking me down. His fingers threaded through my hair gently as he brushed it away from my face.

“I made a mess,” he whispered softly, his lips in my hair.

You could say that again.

“I'm sorry Lauren. I was afraid.”

Bullshit, I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream and kick and fight and just completely destroy everything in sight but the feeling of Alex's arms around me negated all of that. We could yell at each other all we wanted but it wouldn't change the fact that we're currently waist deep and backwards in a mess that probably isn't fixable.

As much as I like Alex there are other guys out there and trusting him again isn't something on top of my to-do list. For all I know he could have another bet with Matt Cooke about whether or not he could get into my pants again after hurting me all that time ago. I wouldn't put it past either of them.

But in Alex's arms I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and instead found myself snuggling closer to him and closer to sleep. My eyelids felt heavy every time I tried to open my eyes to the point where I couldn't make myself stay awake. And just as I felt myself take the final plunge towards dreamland Alex's voice infiltrated my mind.

”J'ai encore des sentiments pour toi”