Take a Breath

I, Shaun Donald Patrick Diviney, am a dick. I mean it, I am. I'm a dick. I'm an arsehole and a moron. I'm heartless as well.
I can't believe this. I can't believe any of this. I can never keep it in my pants. I break promises. I hurt peoples feelings. I don't keep dates. I never think before I speak meaning I regret pretty much everything I ever say. My lyrics say I break dance, not hearts. But that's what I did.

I'm a heart breaker. I'm a selfish prick who doesn't deserve anybody. You think that at 20 years of age I would have learnt by now. I would've learnt to not be all of the afore mentioned things. I would've learnt to behave myself, get all my priorities straight and even, possibly found somebody to call my own. But no, I haven't. I fuck any chick I can get my hands on. They all say yes because of who I am. I'm a conquest for them; someone for them to blog, status or tweet about.

"Like, oh my gosh. I totally had sex with Shaun Diviney last night."

I shook my head at that thought. It'd happen and I bet it had happened on countless occasions. There had always been someone who was different; someone who actually gave a damn about me, about how I was feeling, who cared about the broken hearts and skinned knees. They didn't see me as Shaun Diviney; lead singer of Short Stack. They just saw Shaun.

They were the one who bought me beer when I was still 17 and my fake id failed me. They were the one who drove me from A to B without me having to ask twice. They were the one who brought me painkillers and chicken soup when my flu was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. They were the one who bought me winter pyjamas and a hot water bottle. They were the one that risked the chicken pox when I got it for the first time at age 16 when they hadn't even had it themselves. They were the one that smacked my hand away each time I went to scratch and lathered my back in calamine lotion. They were the one that gave me sponge baths when I fell off stage and broke my leg. They were the one that had let me curl up beside them in their bed when my parents went through their seperation and I needed somewhere to escape my house. They were the one who had kissed my head and held me close; telling me everything would be okay. They were the one who had taught me to drive and bought me my first guitar. They were the best friend any arsehole like me could ever need.

Andy. Andy Clemmensen. Andrew Nicholi Clemmensen. He had been my back bone throughout most of the shittiest times in my life. But, how do you ask, is Andy relevent to this story? Well, in repayment for all the sweet, kind, friendly, generous and truely amazing things he had done for me in the past, I broke his heart.

I guess I could jump into a bunch of excuses. I could say it had caught me off guard. I could say I was surprised. I could say that none of the events following were any of my fault. But that would all be a lie.

You see, last night Andy had kissed me. It wasn't a kiss on the forehead, the top of the head or the cheek. Nor was it in a game of truth or dare or spin the bottle and neither of us had been drinking. We were both completely sober.

We were hanging out at my mums place; just Andy and me. My mum was out so we had claimed the big screen in the lounge room. The coffee table was covered in skittles, chips and Coke and a selection of dvds lay splayed out on the floor. Andy had wanted to watch the Saw movies and we had just finished the second film and I had got up to switch to the third.

"It's getting cold," Andy whined, pulling his hoodie tighter around his body.

"Go get the blanket of my bed then, you big sook," I laughed at him as he took off down the hall way and quickly emerged with the quilt from my double bed. He had it wrapped around himself like a coccoon.

"You're going to share right?" I stood up from the dvd player and put my hands on my hips.

I fake glared at him and he nodded quickly. I moved back to the lounge and popped up the foot rest; making myself comfortable. Andy sauntered his way over and plopped himself down beside me. He was still wrapped in his coccoon. I frowned and tugged at a bit of the quilt.

"I thought you said you were going to share," I said and huffed.

"I was, but its freezing," Andy told me as-a-matter-of- factly. "We can't both be toasty warm."

"Get up," I told Andy and he looked at me.

"What? Why?" he questioned but stood anyway.

I kicked off my shoes and leaned over; popping the other leg rest of the lounge. I positioned myself so I was still sitting up but my legs were situated on the edge of the couch cushion. I patted the space between my legs and the back of the lounge. Andy looked from my face, to the space and back to me.

"Come on," I urged. "I'm not getting any warmer here."

Andy kicked his own shoes off and unwrapped himself. He climbed over my legs and sat in the gap; his legs beside mine, lying on his side. He cleared his throat before slowly lowering his head onto my chest. I rested my arm on the back of the lounge. Andy pulled the quilt up around him and stopped it at my waist. He then shimmied down and draped his arm lazily across my lap.

"You comfy?" I asked him and I felt him nod against my chest. I smiled to myself and hit play on the remote control.

This is all normal behaviour. Andy and I had been friends for years. We had hugged and snuggled like this a few times before while watching movies, but this time felt different somehow. It's not that I hadn't noticed it. I had definitely noticed it. I had caught Andy staring at me a quite a few times in rehearsals or recording studios. I felt his eyes on my all the time on stage. When my hand would graze his in the lunchroom cafeteria or I would hug him after I show I saw him blush and felt him grow tense at the touch. In the past week, I had started playing with him. I winked at him on stage or licked my bottom lip seductively during rehearsals. I had purposely sat next to him and rested my hand on his thigh in McDonalds yesterday and his face had gone red. I simply dipped a chip into my sundae put it in my mouth and pulled it out slowly; dragging the icecream off it with my lips. I had literally heard him gulp and he excused himself to the restroom. I wasn't sure iif Andy had feelings for me or if it was just a physical attraction but there was something. And the way he seemed so relaxed and at home lying curled into my side, told me I was right.

I stretched my arms above my head as the third movies credits rolled. Andy sat up and stretched as well.

"I got to piss," he announced and threw the blankets of us and got up. I watched him as he walked down the hall way. I checked the time on my phone and it told me it was almost midnight.

"Do you want to watch four?" I shouted down the Andy.

"Yeah, alright," he shouted back. I stood up and pulled the coffee table around to the side of the lounge. I moved the coushins and pulled out the futon bed. I threw some of the decoration cushions along the back wall of the lounge. I threw the quilt over lazily and moved to switch the dvds. I slid the disc for Saw IV into the player and crawled onto the bed/lounge. I made myself comfortable; pulling off my jeans underneath the blankets and dumping them on the floor. I pulled the blankets up to my chin.

"I thought I'd get..." Andy looked up at me. "Um, comfortable."

I looked at him. He had changed his jeans for black trackies and his tight black band tee for a loose fitting gray t-shirt. He looked relaxed.

"So did I," I smirked at him.

"Dude," Andy stepped a few steps closer to the lounge. "I swear, if you're naked under there, I'll...."

"You'll what, Mr. Clemmensen?" I flicked my fringe of my face and raised my eyebrows at him. I watched him blush and look down.

"Nothing," he mumbled. "You're not though right?"

I tossed the blankets back and revealed my boxer and t-shirt clad body. Andy smiled at me and crawled on to the bed; sitting up beside me.

"You can get comfy, Andy," I told him. "How you were before."

"I, um, don't remember how I was before," Andy looked up at me sheepishly.

"You were sort of like this," I said.

I moved closer and slid my arm around Andy's shoulders slowly. I pulled him gently towards me and he gave in. He turned slightly and leaned in to me; resting his hand on my stomach. I had slid down so I knew there was a patch of skin no longer covered my my shirt. I felt Andy slide his hand up slightly; under my shirt. I shivered lightly at the touch of his cool fingers on my warm skin. I looked down at Andy who was looking up at me. He sat up more; his hand dragged upwards. His hand now rested inside my shirt on my chest. Andy slid his other hand around my neck and his fingers moved into the hair at the back of my head. My hair had been washed and hadn't been done so it sat as a matted curly mess on top of my head. I searched Andy's face and found nerves. In my peripheral I saw Andy's adams apple move up and down, indicating that he had swallowed hard. I met his eyes with mine; his were glassy. He leaned upwards and pressed his lips against mine softly. This wasn't a friend kiss, or a "hey I want to fuck" kiss. This was Andy telling me he had feelings for me. He moved his lips against mine slowly and I kissed him back; moving mine in synch with his. I felt Andy smile against my mouth and he pulled away slowly. He smiled up at me and I smiled back at him. He snuggled down again and hugged my side. I hit play on the remote and leant against the back of the lounge.

This is where it all goes to hell. Its now that fear hitches in my chest, that my heart starts to race, that my stomach plummets to my feet. Andy and me?

I sit up causing Andy to pull back from me. Fear is written on his face. I throw the blankets back and stand up. I pull my jeans on quickly as well as my shoes.

"Shaun?"

I hear Andy's small voice say my name and tears well up in my eyes.

"I'm sorry." I tell him before escaping out the front door; grabbing my wallet on the way out.

The bar down the street seemed like the perfect place to drown my fears and doubts. It seemed like the perfect place to play darts at almost 1am and do shots with a hot blonde chick at the bar. It seemed like I good idea to get completely smashed off my face and start making out with said blonde. It seemed like a good idea to drag the blonde back to my mums house and fuck her senselessly. It all seemed like a perfect idea until my eyes slid open this morning and found Andy standing in my door way. I looked over at the girl from earlier. She was on her stomach; one arm hanging over the side of the bed. Her bare back which was visible over the blankets painted a picture of what had gone on. I sat up and looked at Andy. His face was sullen and tears streaked his perfect complexion. His arms hung dead at his sides and his hair was a mess. With a sob, he turned around and walked back down the hallway. I bounded out of bed and pulled on a pair of boxers. I practically ran down the hallway, but Andy was gone before I got to the loungeroom. My phone vibrated on the coffee table and I made my way to it: avoiding the empty soft drink cans and dvd cases. I picked my phone up and slid it open. It was a text from Andy.

you were my biggest regret. </3

There it was; plain as day. Plain as black and white text on my screen; Andy's broken heart. I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed; dropping my phone beside me. I had fucked up royally.

This had led to my current position; 13 hours later. The time? 8.30pm. My location? Budgewoi beach. Sitting in the sand; self pity wracking my brain. I hated myself for doing what I did. First and foremost for leaving Andy last night and secondly for my, antics, with that blonde chick from the bar. Andy hated me and I broke his heart. Out of all the people I expected to hear that from, he was last on the list. I shouldn't have toyed with him. I shouldn't have strung him along like I did. It was unfair and I was a dick for doing it. I sank my toes into the sand. Had that kiss meant something to me too? I remembered feeling happy when it had happened; like I was somehow now complete. That was until my fear took over. I was a chicken shit. A chicken shit who is too blind to see something great when its standing write in front of him; or in this case sitting beside me, kissing me. I stood up and dusted the sand off my butt. I walked up the boardwalk and pulled my rabens back on my feets and started the walk to Andy's. I had to fix this fast.
I walked quickly to Andy's. I hoped he opened the door so I didn't have to spin out an explanation to his and Bradie's parents about why I was there so late. I walked up the driveway and up the front steps and knocked on the door loudly. I waited a few moments before knocking again. The wooden door opened and Bradie stood there. He had a pissed off expression on his face.

"What do you want, Diviney?" he spat at me through the screen door. I pulled it open.

"I need to see Andy," I answered simply.

"And why would that be?" Bradie responded. He didn't move.

"That's none of your business," I shot back at him. I tried to step around him. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me backwards out the door until I banged into a pole that held together their porch.

"It is my fucking business Shaun," Bradie said to my face. "That's my brother up there you know? He's fucking devastated. I've never seen him like this."

"He told you?" I mumbled.

"Yes, he told me genius," Bradie said sarcastically. "I've known for a while that he's in love with you."

"In l-love with me?" I stuttered out.

"Yes Shaun," Bradie nodded. "Love. And you fucking went and broke his heart with that slut. Andy might be scared to stand up to you Shaun, but I'm not"

"I know," I looked at my feet.

"You know what?" Bradie asked. I could literally feel the anger being thrown at me.

"That I broke his heart," I half whispered.

"And you don't care?"

"If I didn't care about him, I wouldn't be here Bradie," I replied honestly, looking up at the youngest of the three of us. He suddenly seemed to be the strongest and the one with the most guts. "I, um, I feel the same way."

I looked up to find a shocked expression on Bradie's face.

"Can I please see him?" I begged. Bradies nodded slowly; obviously still shocked by my admission.

I stepped around him and made my way up the stairs to Andy's room. I peered into the room and found Andy sitting up against his head board with his knees pulled to his chest. I inwardly sighed and pushed the door open. Andy didn't look up.

"Who was it Bradie?" Andy hiccuped. His broken voice hurt me.

"Me," I answered softly. Andy's head whipped up and he stared at me. He stood up quickly.

"No, no, no, no, no," Andy said quickly. "I don't want to see you."

"But Andy..." I started.

"No, Shaun," Andy stopped in front of me and bored down on me. "What do you want? Have you come to finish me off? My hearts already broken Shaun, thanks to you. Do you want my body and soul too? Fucking take them. What do you want Shaun? Do whatever it was you came to do!"

I stepped forward and crashed my lips into Andys. He staggered slightly and I wrapped my arms around his waist to hold him still and close to me. I moved my lips against his gently. I felt him react and kiss me back for a moment before pulling away and stepping back.

"You expect me to forgive you because you kissed me?" Andy wiped his mouth of the sleeve of the hoodie he was wearing.

"No, I don't expect anything," I told Andy honestly. "Really I don't. I didn't come here with a plan or anything. I just thought I'd wing it."

"Because that always works so well in your favour," Andy crossed his arms across his chest.

I sighed. He was right about that. That ones for sure.

"I love you Andy," I told him. His face didn't change.

"Yeah right," he shrugged and looked away. I cupped his chin in my hand and brought his face back around to face me. His eyes were softer and brimming with tears.

"I'm being serious. Do you remember when I was 15 and I got the flu so badly that I couldn't get out of bed? You bought me a pair of blue checkered winter pyjamas and a hot water bottle to help make me feel better. You also made the best chicken soup I had ever tasted. Do you remember when I got chicken pox for the first time ever when I was 16? You wouldn't leave my side even though you could've caught it from me. You made me wear oven mits and you covered me from head to toe in calamine lotion to stop the itching. Do you remember when I fell off the stage at year 10 formal and broke my leg in three places? You were the one that gave me the sponge baths that made us feel as awkward as all hell, and played my slave for 6 weeks. Do you remember when I was 17 and that dodgy ID fell through? You're the one that bought me beer and drove me home from that party and had to deal with my ranting and swearing and even the vomiting in your car. Do you remember when I was 18 and you taught me to drive? Do you remember buying me my first guitar? Do you remember letting me curl up in bed with you when my parents were going through their nasty seperation.? You were the one that gave me the much needed embraces. You kissed the top of my head and told me everything was going to be okay. And you were right. Everything was okay. That's the Andy I'm falling for."

I watched Andy's face. It had lit up but the sadness still sat behind his eyes. Tears escape them. I cupped his cheek with my hand and stroked his cheek with my thumb; brushing the stray tears away.

"What are you saying Shaun?" he whispered softly.

"I'm saying, I'm not in love with this headstrong pissed off Andy, I smiled. "I'm in love... with my best friend."

Andy smiled slightly before pressing a soft kiss to my lips. I smiled into the kiss before pulling way and hugging him.

"I'm in love with you too Shaun," Andy whsipered. "The bigheaded, egotistical, smarmy, sexy, sweet, down to earth, music loving angel that is Shaun Diviney. And you're mine."

I rested my head on my Andys shoulder and smiled.

"What are you smiling at?" Andy asked; pulling back slightly to look me in the eyes.

"For the first time in my life, not thinking before I spoke paid off," I smiled at him.

Andy laughed sarcastically.

"Maybe you should do that more often," he told me. He slid his fingers into my belt loops and pulled me towards his bed. I lay down on my back and Andy cuddled into my side; mimicking our positions from the night before.

Maybe I will, Mr. Clemmensen. Maybe I will.