Lights

Now out in the hallway with a fluorescent light buzzing incessantly above his head, Ryan didn't feel much better. The sound reminded him of bees, and bees just made him think more of all the thoughts flying through his brain. There were too many to handle, to take in, he couldn't possible comprehend this. No one could expect him to.

Sighing, he started down the stairs. Admittedly, he was just glad that, despite the fact he was seething with anger, he felt a little better than he had when he had gone down the same steps earlier that day. Even though someone had beaten Brendon and left his light body bruised and battered, at least his eyes were still open and he was still living. Even though he wouldn't tell Ryan what he wanted to hear, at least he was still able to speak and brush off Ryan off just as he had before.

In a way, it was nice to go back to what was normal, but Ryan felt that normal wouldn't satisfy him much longer – which was something else he had rarely experienced.

He thought maybe he had gone crazy when he headed back out into the rain. He'd just escaped from the cold, he didn't really need to go back into it, but he couldn't think of anywhere else to go. He didn't have a destination in mind – in fact, he didn't think he needed one, because he would be going back home eventually anyway – but he needed somewhere to go. Wandering around the building wasn't going to help him at all, and while wandering in the rain may not help much either, at least the tough drops may beat some sense into him and calm him down.

The rain fell on his face, hair and clothes a million drops at a time. There was never a moment that he wasn't being pelted with water, and for once, he was relieved for it.

Each pinprick brought him a step closer to reality. Each centered his thoughts slightly more and made him focus on what he should have been.

Brendon was alive. Brendon was home. Brendon was okay.

He hadn't had to call the police and reported him missing, like he had been so frightened of. He didn't think he could have, anyway. Admitting that Brendon wouldn't come home seemed impossible, something he couldn't grasp the concept of, and at least now, he didn't have to.

This was a relief, even with abrasions to deal with.

His eyes widened as he realised this, and he stopped walking. Not many people were walking past him, but there were many taxis and cars on the street next to him, and their headlights illuminated the area. He was alone, and so surrounded at the same time.

Ryan threw his head back and started catching water in his mouth.

After a few minutes, he was back to shaking so much he feared his skin was going to shatter and fall from his bones. He finally tilted his head down again and reluctantly drew back his tongue.

He turned and started to wander back the way he had come.

His anger had evaporated and contributed to the rain. It had depleted, and now all he felt was a slight buzzing in his muscles that encouraged him to get home quickly, back to warmth and safety. Back to his home, where Brendon was.

Everything was all right now. The problem had been cured. Brendon had a secret he wouldn't reveal, but Ryan would wait. Surely the answer had to escape Brendon's lips eventually. And even if it didn't, hopefully this would be the last time it was raised. Hopefully, Ryan would never have to think of it again.

He pulled off his jacket before he had even pushed open his apartment door. When inside, he noticed Brendon was lying on the couch with his eyes focused on the television, but he glanced up when Ryan entered.

“You're back!” he said, pushing himself up slowly.

“Don't do that,” Ryan said. “Keep lying down, it's probably better for you.”

Brendon rolled his eyes. “Don't treat me like a child.”

“I'm not, I'm being serious, you know.”

Brendon nodded slowly, then tilted his head, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed. “Are you... okay, now?”

“I'm okay now,” Ryan confirmed. “Sorry about that.”

“It's all right,” Brendon said, quickly. “I get it. I just can't tell you, you know?”

Ryan shook his head and waved his hands in front of his face. “Let's just not talk about this now, okay? I think it would be a better idea for us to just relax. You've obviously had a long day, and personally, I'm tired as fuck. So let's watch some TV, then go to bed?”

“That is one stunning plan you've got there.”

“I made it all by myself.” Ryan grinned. “I really don't think you should sleep on that tonight, by the way,” he added, nodding at the couch.

“What? Why? Where else will I sleep?”

“Hey, I'm not gonna send you to someone else's room,” Ryan laughed. “I'll just get you the mattress. You're injured, you may as well sleep on something at least a little more comfortable than a couch. That thing's a little too short for you anyway.”

“It hasn't bothered me so far,” Brendon said, quickly.

“Too bad, I'm getting you a mattress anyway. Consider it a coming home present.”

“Well... if you don't mind,” Brendon mumbled.

“I would have gotten it out when you first came if you'd asked,” Ryan mentioned. “Then I probably would have upgraded you to a bed.”

Brendon rolled his eyes. “I regret my initial decision then.”

“You bet you do.”

Ryan entered his bedroom extracted the extra mattress he kept on his bed out from under his own. He pulled it into the living room, before moving the coffee table out of the way with his foot. He dropped the mattress so that lay the same way as the couch.

“If you want, you can just roll onto it,” Ryan suggested with a smirk.

“Um, ow.”

“All right, all right, not a good idea. Come on.”

Ryan helped Brendon stand up and sit himself down on the low mattress. Then he pulled down Brendon's pillow and blanket.

He retrieved sheets from the closet and made the mattress up properly for Brendon to sleep on, as Brendon protested from the floor.

“Shush, you,” was all Ryan said whenever Brendon started up again.

“Now,” Ryan said, once the bed was perfectly made. The sheets and blankets were all tucked in, except for a corner of the blanket near the top. “Time for sleep, I reckon. I bet you're looking forward to it.”

“I really am,” Brendon said, smothering a yawn.

“G'night, Bren.”

“Night.”

*

It was surprisingly close to becoming routine, but that didn't stop the nervous pang in Ryan's chest from forcing himself to sit up and slide out of bed the instant the agonised yell awoke him. He may have woken up twice to Brendon's nightmares already, but that didn't make him any less concerned, especially now that Brendon was nursing all the wounds to his face and body.

The only difference was that, if it was possible, the yells were louder this time. This made Ryan quicken his formerly dragging pace so that he was in the living room and standing over Brendon's mattress within a few moments.

The yell faded to a whine as Brendon also woke up, his teeth digging into his cut lip.

“Oh,” Ryan mumbled. “Don't do that, you'll make it worse.”

Brendon just hid his glistening eyes and tried to keep his shoulders from shaking as hard as they tried to. Ryan sat down beside him, not hesitating to place his arm around his waist and very gently pull him a little closer. Brendon molded to him in a way that would not hurt him, trying to stay as still as possible, and both of them leaned back against the base of the couch.

“Was this one worse?” Ryan asked, quietly.

Brendon sniffed deeply. “I don't know. Kind of.”

“Are they all the same?”

Brendon slowly shook his head, and Ryan could feel the movement against his shoulder. “They're different.”

Brendon stared off into the gloom for a few moments before choking on a sob as he tried to hold it back.

“It's okay,” Ryan sighed. “It's just a nightmare. And it's all right now – nothing's getting past me, I swear.”

“It's scary, Ry.”

“I know it is.”

“I don't know what to do.” Brendon's voice almost became unintelligible on the last few words as he almost fell into tears again. “I don't want it to happen.”

“None of us want it to happen, it just does. And, frankly, I think it's very rude that these nightmares are picking on you. They're ganging up on you.”

Brendon hiccuped in what Ryan assumed to be an interrupted laugh. “They're mean things.”

“Definitely. And one day, we'll get rid of them. But either way, I don't mind making you feel better.”

“You're good at it,” Brendon added, with a small smile.

“Good to know my services are appreciated.”

“I'm sorry I've woken you up so many times because of this,” Brendon mumbled. “I didn't mean to.”

“It's not that many times,” Ryan pointed out. “And seriously, I don't mind. I mean, I want you to be okay and all. It'd kind of suck if you didn't feel comfortable here, right?”

“Right...” Brendon agreed, slowly.

“So I don't mind.”

“Thank you, Ryan,” Brendon sighed, leaning his forehead against the side of Ryan's head. Ryan just stared into the inky blackness surrounding them and nodded lightly.

“It's no problem.”

“It's just – it's nice to know someone cares about me,” Brendon said in an even more quiet voice.

“There's always someone to care about you,” Ryan said. “And yeah, of course I'm one of them.”

“I guess.”

“It's true. I mean, even before you, I had my mom.”

He could hear Brendon snort slightly. “Maybe you should be glad I came and interrupted your life then.”

“Not so much interrupted as made it more interesting,” Ryan corrected. “And, I am glad.”

Ryan wasn't quite sure what happened next – or, more specifically, how it happened. It was another two second alteration in his life that he barely noticed at first, and didn't see the ramifications that would occur as a result. In a way, this two second change just reinforced the first one.

In the first moment, he had his head leaning up against Brendon's with a loose smile on his lips, just completing his sentence. In the next, he just noticed Brendon's head turn to him, the watery brown eyes staring into his own, before he realised that Brendon was kissing him.

Ryan, in his own typical fashion, had no idea what to do. Thoughts starting flying through his head at a hundred miles an hour, but none of them seemed to hold the key to how to react. His eyes were open and blinking in surprise, and then it was over. Brendon was moving away, turning away again and leaning his head against Ryan's shoulder like he hadn't done anything suspicious at all.

This was not behaviour that Ryan was used to.

He wasn't sure if he should say something – or, if so, what he would possibly say. Thanks? That seemed like the type of thing that would stumble from Ryan's mouth, but he had no idea what he'd be thanking him for. The snakes writhing around his insides? The goosebumps that were only partly from the cold, and the light tingle they gave to his skin?

But, when he glanced over at Brendon, he didn't seem any closer to acknowledging what had just happened either. So, Ryan didn't do anything. He didn't reply, though his head still searched frantically through his thoughts for something he could use.

So the pair just sat there, Brendon's head on Ryan's shoulder, and both of them staring off into a space in a way that signalled they were both thinking of things that confused their minds and threw them into a whirlwind of guessing and re-guessing. Brendon eventually fell asleep, but Ryan stayed up longer than he did, glancing at the younger boy beside him in contemplation every once in a while. Even after he had noticed that Brendon's eyes had closed and small snoring noises were breaking the silence of the room, Ryan did not leave. He still hadn't come up with a solution, and it was driving him crazy.

He was clueless. There was no answer to this problem that didn't have the possibility of throwing everything out of control. There were downsides to every solution he could think of. Brendon could be offended, Brendon could be joking, Ryan could be terribly awkward. This couldn't work.

All he could think of was ignoring the issue for as long as he possibly could. And, when he thought of this, he didn't feel any satisfaction at all. He had spent hours thinking, and he all he could come up with was doing the exact same thing he was already doing.

He sighed and hung his head. He was not good at this socialising thing. It just kept getting more and more confusing as time went on. He had never had this problem with Spencer. They merely complained about the odd customer together with chuckles that weren't dedicated to anything. It didn't make any sense. Why did this confuse Ryan so much more than being friends with Spencer did? Spencer didn't do weird things like this. Brendon didn't weird things like this. Brendon was just... weird.

As Ryan grew more and more tired, his thoughts grew more incoherent. Finally, he, too, fell asleep, slumping over the seat of the couch with Brendon still drooped over his shoulder.