Kissing You Goodbye.

Frank

Gerard and I sat at the kitchen table for awhile in silence. Every once in awhile he would wince, then convince me it was fine, that it was nothing. I studied his expression, one of a solemn pain. There was a certain knowledge in it, something that troubled him.

“Gerard, I know something’s wrong. Will you please tell me?” I asked, grabbing his hand from across the table. Gerard shook his head.

“Its nothing. I’m fine, believe me,” he said, his voice somewhat shaky. I squeezed his hand, staring into his eyes.

“You’re not fine. Let me get Mikey to drive you to the hospital,” I said, rising from the table, releasing Gerard’s hand. He caught mine quickly, grasping it tightly. His expression was scared, hurt.

“P-please don’t leave me. Call Mikey down here,” Gerard said, pulling me close to his body. I wrapped my arms around him. He was trembling.

“MIKEY!” I shouted. “GET GERARD’S KEYS AND DRIVE US TO THE HOSPITAL!”

Mikey ran down the stairs as fast as he could, giving Gerard a worried glance, then rallying us to the car. Legally, Mikey wasn’t supposed to be driving. But this was an emergency, and we had no other choice.

Mikey sped down the highway towards the hospital. I cradled Gerard in my arms in the backseat. He cried out in pain, and I wasn’t quite sure he was still with us. Mikey pulled into the parking lot, got out and rushed inside, leaving us to get some help. In minutes, a stretcher was brought out and Gerard placed onto it.

Mikey and I waited in the waiting room for Donna Way to arrive, pacing back and forth. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was. What if Gerard didn’t come back?

Luckily, Donna arrived quickly and led us into the ER. We were lead to room 362, where Gerard lay in his hospital bed, clutching the bedpost with one hand, his face twisted in pain. Doctors and nurses around him were hooking up needles connected to IVs into his arms. Two nurses were finishing up getting him into his hospital gown. A doctor slipped a plastic monitor onto Gerard’s finger that was hooked up to a screen with Gerard’s pulse, which was rising.

It was such a surreal scene. No matter how many times I’d seen it on TV or in the movies, it couldn’t ever prepare me to see someone I loved like this. Yes, I loved Gerard. I couldn’t help it. Mikey pulled me by the arm out of the room. Donna stayed where she stood, taking in the reality of her son’s illness. One I’d heard she’d been through once already, when her husband died. Mikey sat me down in a chair across the hallway from the room.

“I hate this part,” he whispered, removing his glasses from his face to wipe his eyes with his sweatshirt sleeve. I just leaned my head on his shoulder, trying to comfort us both. Mikey wrapped his arm around my shoulder. To anyone, it would’ve looked as if we were the couple, but to us, it was a brotherly act. We’d gotten that close. We shared the burden of Gerard’s cancer.

Donna walked out of the room almost an hour later. Her cheeks were tearstained, her makeup a mess. She motioned for us to follow her into a small waiting room, shutting the door behind us.

“Gerard’s cancer is worsening. He was less time than they originally thought. They give him a month and a half. He’ll be staying here during that short time. Mikey, the doctors have arranged to get you a hospital driving permit. I’ve also gotten you your school permit. You can drive to school and back. You can drive to the hospital and back. You’re allowed to bring Frank with for both. If you can take care of the situation for now, Mikey, I’d like to go home and make some calls,” Donna said.

Mikey nodded, wiping tears from his eyes. I did the same. This would be hard. How could Gerard leave us so fast? It just wasn’t fair.

Mikey lead us back to Gerard’s room, which was now vacant. The only sound was Gerard’s steady breathing, only made that way by the machines, and his heart monitor. I stood on one side of him and Mikey took the other. Gerard seemed to be asleep. I assumed the doctors did that to take the pain away for awhile. I gently placed my hand on his, taking in his peaceful expression. It was so wrong, for the outside to be so calm while inside, the body was fighting a war.

“I didn’t want him to go this fast,” Mikey said after awhile, breaking the silence. “I had my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, Gerard could beat it. I was a fool.”

“This doesn’t have to be the end. Maybe he still will beat it. Maybe he’ll prove you all wrong,” I said, hoping with all my being it could be that easy.

“Frank, I’ve watched Gerard suffer the same way I watched my dad suffer. He’ll go. It will end,” Mikey said, tearing up.

“He can’t. He’ll put up a fight. He won’t let it go that easily,” I whispered, trying to convince myself as much as Mikey. Mikey shook his head.

“Trust me. This is it.”

********

Mikey’s words haunted me the rest of the night. I spent my Saturday going back to the hospital to see Gerard. He was awake when I arrived, and very happy to see me.

“How’re you feeling, Gee?” I asked, leaning down to wrap my arms around him. He made a face.

“Not that fucking great, Frankie. Better now that you’re here,” he said, kissing my cheek. I examined his face.

“Any new treatments they been giving ya?”

“Ehh, not exactly new. I’m just getting like eighty times more radiation treatment. You promise you’ll still love me when I’m bald?” Gerard asked, gazing up at me.

“Forever shall I love you, Gerard, whether you’re bald or not. I didn’t abandon you when I found out you had cancer, nor shall I abandon you now that it’s settling in.”

“That was a horrible attempt at being romantic, Frank.”

“I try.”

Gerard smiled. His smile was what I lived for. What would I do when it was gone? What would happen when I could never see it again? I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and pulled up a chair next to Gerard.

“How long, Frank?”

“What do you mean ‘how long’?” I asked. Gerard just stared at me, then repeated his question, but gave me my answer.

“How long do I have? No one will tell me. I know you know. Please, just tell me how long I have,” Gerard said, clutching my hand. My glance went from Gerard’s face to the ground. How could I tell him he had only about a month to live? Especially since he had to spend all of it lying in the hospital bed.

“Please, Frank.”

“You have a month and a half at most. I’m sorry, G-Gerard,” I said, my voice cracking as the sobs rose up my throat. Gerard just stared, and I thought he was going to take it okay for a minute, but he only launched into a state of hysteria. Tears rolled down his cheeks, his eyes were closed, and he was shaking his head back and forth.

“N-not yet. I c-can’t go y-yet. S-so m-many things I w-wanted t-to do. I c-cant d-die y-yet!” Gerard yelled. I tightened my squeeze on his hand and tried to calm him, whispering things I hoped would relax him, but he wouldn’t have it. How could you calm someone down after you’d told them they would die soon?

Nurses rushed into the room to see what was wrong. They panicked when they saw Gerard in his hysterics. I knew why. If he kept it up, he had a good chance of getting a seizure, or even having heart failure. A male nurse quickly gave Gerard more morphine while the other nurses held Gerard down. It was such a heartbreaking and tragic scene. I put my hand to my mouth and ran into the hallway to cry. I was in the middle of a breakdown when Mikey arrived. He quickly noticed me and embraced me.

“How bad is he?” he whispered. I was choking on sobs and having trouble answering. All I could bring myself to do was to just cry on Mikey’s shoulder. As soon as I was all cried out, I looked up at Mikey’s questioning face.

“I t-told him. He asked how long h-he had l-left. H-he went into h-hysterics,” I answered. Mikey pulled me back close to his chest. How was it possible that he was much stronger about this situation than me? Gerard was his brother. What must have been going through Mikey’s head at that moment.

“Gerard knew it would be this b-bad. H-he just can’t handle the t-truth very well. None of us c-can,” Mikey said. I looked back up at him again, taking in what seemed to be sorrow with just a bit of relief. And it was then that I understood. Mikey was relieved. He’d thought when he got the call to come to the hospital that Gerard had died.

“I’m s-sorry, Mikey. I j-just thought he had the r-right to know,” I said, letting Mikey go, except for my fingers being intertwined with his. We walked into Gerard’s room. I dragged Mikey behind me to the side of Gerard’s bed where he peacefully slept. None of the previous worry occupied his features. I turned away from his beautiful face. It was so wrong. If anything bad happened, they could just put him to sleep. I knew it was necessary, but that didn’t make it right.

Mikey took control of our clasped hands and took me away from the room and out to Gerard’s car. He took me over to his house, left me on the couch, and went to tell his mother that Gerard was still alive. I glanced all over the room, studying each small family photo. Gerard and Mikey when they were little sat next to an older version of the two. On top of the entertainment center, in the middle, was a picture of Gerard, Mikey, Donna, and Gerard and Mikey’s dad. It was so tragic to lose both Don and Gerard to cancer. Sure, Gerard wasn’t gone yet, but it was proven medically that he wasn’t going to make it. There was no hope left.