Midnight

When I get home I race to my bedroom and turn on my computer. There's one thing I've learned in my 17 years on this earth; when in doubt, Google that shit. I don't really know what I'm searching for so I decide to just type in random words until something happens. The first words I type in are "ridiculously attractive people" and am bemused when images of surgically enhanced celebrities pop up, I try "super-sonic hearing" and get nothing special. I growl in frustration but am not ready to quit until I find something significant. After a brainwave I try "pale, freezing cold skin, unnaturally fast" and am stunned when www.HowToSpotABloodsuckingVampire.com pops up.

I click on it and am confronted by a creepy black background with an image of a crazed looking bat splashed over it. I am thinking how cliched it all is when something catches my eye. It is an idiots guide on how to recognize a living, breathing, blood drinking vampire. I don't really buy the fact that the Sullen's could be creatures of the night but with nothing better to do I shrug and click on it.

"Vampires-The Stuff They Don't Tell You At School, The Bastards

"So you thought they didn't exist? You know what I am referring to. I'm talking about Nosferatu aka Dracula aka the dude that will suck you dry given half a chance. Yes, you simple human, the living dead walk among us. And chances are, if you are reading this you are A) either being stalked by one, or B) have just been turned into one and want to know what will happen to you, see: My Boyfriend just bit me, what the heck should I do now?

My advice for you is simple, human. First of all you have to identify if it really is a Vampire and not just a malnourished kid. If the person you suspect has the following traits, you may have a problem on your hands:

Has incredibly pale skin
Is incredibly attractive
Seems to move at the speed of light
Always knows what you are thinking
Can predict what you are going to do next
Looks at you like you a delicious cupcake
He is a Vampire. Beware!!!

Alas! There are more then one type of Vampire I'm afraid, dear human. Which type of Vampire stalks you, I hear you shriek? I'll tell you, there are two main breed of Vampire: The Bad Ass Vampire and The Sissified Vampire.

The Bad Ass
If you have the misfortune to be stalked by this dude, chances are you don't have much time to live. He will find you and rip your throat out. This type of vampire rarely bothers to turn humans as they are too busy bleeding them dry. We are sorry. Goodbye.

The Sissified Vampire
If you are being chased by this guy, be prepared for major drama. He will not kill you, just take a few bites here and there but nothing to be seriously alarmed about. He is drop dead gorgeous (no pun intended) and has the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. He will fall madly in love with you and chase you until you are his or until you are dead. Remember he will live forever-you will not. He is also what we call a "Vegetarian Vampire", he does not drink the blood of humans, only animals. PETA will be pissed.

There is a down side though, expect him to be super possessive to the point you can't breath, he will watch you while you sleep, generally stalk you and drive you crazy but remember, he is hot, that is all that matters, right? Oh yeah, if you have sexual relations with this guy, expect it to hurt and not in a good way. You have been warned.

If you are unhappy you are being stalked by a Vampire, there isn't a lot you can do I'm afraid. Staking him through the chest, garlic and the whole "afraid of sunlight" thing don't hold much weight against these dudes, they have evolved to such an extent that these things no longer apply to them. THEY CANNOT BE DESTROYED. You are screwed, kid. It's been nice knowing ya."

It was a good thing I was sitting in my chair otherwise I would have collapsed onto the ground. My legs have turned to jelly and I can barely breath. This describes Gerard to a T. It is right in front of me. Gerard Sullen is a vampire. I can hardly believe it, but the internet has never let me down before, why would it lie to me now? I decide to Wikipedia "vampires" to double check, sure enough the same things come up. I sit with my arms wrapped around my chest as a growing sense of horror builds in my stomach. Vampires really exist! So does that mean werewolves do too? What about Santa, is he real? If so, he leaves me some shitty presents under the tree. Motherfucker.

What am I going to do now? I think to myself as I take a shower. I can't kill him, or can I? There is no way in hell I am dating a vampire, I'm not that desperate. I don't care how good looking he is, hooking up with a dude who has blood for breakfast, lunch and dinner just isn't my thing.

After debating internally for half an hour with my faithful Cookie Dough as my companion, I come to a decision. As it is plainly obvious Gerard is a Sissified Vampire, though he doesn't act like it, there is no danger of him drinking my blood (hopefully). I mean, if he wanted to drink my blood he would have done it a long time ago. I will do the only thing that makes sense to me; I am going to confront him. I will take the pepper spray that my dad gave to me as protection. I pray I don't have to use it.