One Heart

“Rae, honey, what about this one?” I held up a cute white dress, patterned with flowers and butterflies. “You like this one.”

In front of me, Rae pouted. “But mummy, I want to be a princess today! You said I could be!”

“Rae,” I said slowly, crouching down next to the young girl. “You were a Princess yesterday, and you got your dress all muddy, remember?”

There was no denying that she knew this, but it didn’t stop her from throwing her foot down and crossing her arms over her chest. “You PROMISED I could be a Princess when Uncle Jimmy and Auntie Val came to visit! You PROMISED!”

I sighed, remembering the conversation well. Even though I had left my old life in Huntington Beach behind for a new one in Phoenix Val and Jimmy still visited whenever they could, and Rae loved it. Last time she couldn’t be a Princess because this same instance happened before, and I had to promise to her she could next time before she would even consider putting on any clothes. I looked around the room for some sort of inspiration, when they locked upon a wad of cotton wool I had on my dressing table. “Rae, how about being a Princess Bunny, just like Princess outside?”

Her face instantly brightened, nodding frantically with a grin. If there was one thing she loved more than Princesses, it was bunnies, if Princess the Bunny outside in her hutch was anything to go by.

--

“They’re here! They’re here!” Rae screamed in delight as the doorbell rang, skipping down the hall in the white dress from before with a piece of cotton stuck to the back and a pair of bunny ears- which I had quickly managed to craft out of an old cardboard box and more wool- stuck to the tiara from her Princess costume. I followed her to the hall, leaning against the side as I watched her get swept up into the tattooed arms of her ‘uncle’.

“Hey kiddo, missed me?” Jimmy said, swinging her in his arms as she giggled. He soon noticed the cotton stuck to her dress and tiara and pushed his arms out, frowning as he looked her over. “What are you meant to be? Some kind of sheep?”

“Uncle Jimmmmmy!” She whined, squirming in his arms and dropping to the floor with a pout. “I’m a Princess Bunny! Just like Princess outside!”

“Well, I think you are the cutest Princess Bunny I have ever seen,” Val commented, stooping next to the beaming girl and handing her a small box. “I got you a present.”

Almost instantly Rae squealed, her tiny hands quickly ripping the wrapping paper from the box. Since she had a hard time opening it I walked over and crouched down beside her, gently pulling the lid off for her. Inside was a small charm, shaped uniquely in the face of a rabbit, decorated in tiny gems.

“Look Rae, a new charm for your bracelet!” I said, clipping it to the gold chain around her wrist that already had six other charms. Usually with each visit they brought Rae a selection of gifts, but one that never changed was that she always got another charm for her bracelet, so that each visit would be perfectly immortalised on her wrist. “What do you say?”

“Thank you!”

“Hey, don’t forget about me,” Jimmy cut in, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small stuffed bunny, ironically enough dressed in a princess outfit. The pair of them knew all too well about Rae’s two obsessions, and spoiled her accordingly. “Now there are four princesses in the house.” He smiled as she ran up and hugged his leg, obviously too small to reach any further, before she ran off to the back garden to show her real rabbit her new toy friend. We all followed her through to the kitchen where I watched her from the back door, just to make sure she was alright before moving onto make coffee.

“You spoil her too much,” I said, pouring each of them a mug before doing the same for myself. “She’ll never know the value of money.”

“Much like you, eh?” Before I could reply Val slapped him on the shoulder, her eyes narrowing. Obviously it wasn’t hard, but Jimmy played along anyway. “Val! That hurt!”

“You'll survive.” She rolled her eyes, before turning to me. “How have you been?”

“Same as always, surviving,” I replied, leaning against the counter so that I could keep an eye on Rae. “How about you?” My hand subconsciously clawed at my neck, remembering the silver chain that once had pride of place there. “How is everyone?”

“Zack and Clo are still the same, arguing all the time just to make up after,” Val replied, taking a sip of her coffee. “Leana and Jimmy got married last month and Matt is trying to get Johnny to think about asking Sarah some time soon.”

“Married?” I echoed, looking up at Jimmy in surprise. “When did you get engaged?”

Val frowned, looking at Jimmy who answered with a shrug, “Last March or so? It’s been like a year.”

“A year?” I murmured under my breath, not realising how long it really had been since I had last seen the pair of them, or how much goes on with my old friends. I’d almost forgotten it had been nearly four years since I left for my new life. The fact that they had purposely left out telling me about Brian didn’t go unnoticed though. “Time certainly flies.”

The kitchen fell silent as we all instantly thought about the forgotten individual, broken only when Rae came running in, her knees grazed and tears falling down her face. “Mummmmmy!”

Instinctively I crouched down, wrapping my arms around her as she ran towards me. “What’s the matter, honey?”

“I was playing with Uncle Jimmy’s bunny in the garden and then- and then-” She buried her face in my shoulder, her hands winding around my neck.

Rubbing my hand upon her back I gently pulled her away, wiping her tears away with the back of my hand. “Rachel, what happened?”

“I lost Uncle Jimmy’s bunny!” She cried. “I tried to get her back, but I couldn’t get over the fence!”

“You silly thing,” I muttered, picking her up and sitting her on the counter so I could wash the dirt from her knees before placing a band-aid on each. “Why didn’t you just ask me to go get it?” I turned to Val and Jimmy before walking into the back garden and asking, “Can you keep an eye on her for a moment? I’ll be right back.”

I walked to the fence and peered over it, seeing the toy just on the other side, hidden within the rose bush. There was no denying I was a bit worried as I climbed over the fence into the neighbour’s garden, knowing that they never had shown kindness to either Rachel or me; frowning upon the fact I was a young, single mother who never once had her child see the father, or even hint at knowing who he was. Luckily they weren’t around as I rescued the teddy from the bush’s clutches, but that didn’t stop their dog launching an attack on my arm. If I hadn’t instantly scrambled back over I think I probably would have ended up a lot worse than just a slightly bloody bite mark on the skin. God I hate that dog.

Not wanting to alarm my little girl as I walked back inside I made sure I kept my injured arm behind my back as I handed back her toy with the other, smiling as she jumped from joy at the reunion and ran back outside. The smile soon fell to a scowl as I gently washed at the bite in the sink, covering it with gauze I found in the back of the cupboard before gladly gulping down the rest of my coffee, muttering, “I hate that stupid dog.”

“Shouldn’t you report it or something?” Val asked as she eyed my arm, a few spots of blood already seeping through. “It can’t just go around biting people.”

I sighed. “I’m not sure the law will be on my side somehow, jumping into someone’s garden is seen as trespassing, even if it was for your only daughter’s bunny.”

“I guess you are right.”

The silence dawned again, but this time Jimmy was the one to break it. “Do you ever think about coming back to let the others meet Rae?”

My gaze dropped to the floor, rubbing the finger in which an engagement ring could have once been, one that would have meant I would be Nathalie Haner, Brian’s wife. “I don’t know. Brian, he...”

“Brian does have a right to see his own daughter, Nat. Even you must know that, you put his name on her birth certificate after all.”

And he was right. Even though I gave birth to Rae all alone, when it came to writing down the father’s name on the birth certificate I didn’t leave it blank like I could have, instead putting on Brian’s. It was even in her name, choosing to stick by my decision of Rachel (for my mother) McKenna (for Brian’s sister) Haner-Taylor (to honour us both). But still, I couldn’t bear to let her see Brian. Or rather, I couldn't bear to see him.

“It would be complicated Jimmy,” I replied with a sigh, tearing off the bloody gauze and assigning a new one to my arm. Unconsciously I looked over to her as she was by Princess’ hutch, stroking the white rabbit inside through the wire grating. “She’s lived four years with me, what would she think if I just dropped her father on her?”

He paused before replying, “Is that really the reason, or is it something else?” As soon as I turned away he knew he was right, catching me by the hand as I moved to walk away. “He still thinks about you. Every day.”

“I’m sure he does, especially when he is fucking anything that moves,” I replied sharply, pulling my hand free of his. “I’m sure I crop up in his thoughts all the time.” As soon as it had been said I regretted it, soon apologizing. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” he said. “You left him, remember?”

“Of course I do. I turned my back on everything to provide a good life for my little girl- do you not think it hurt me enough to do that without making me go back to it?” I looked over to where Rae was now sitting on the grass, Princess on her lap. “What do you think I see every time I look at her; every time I look into her eyes?”

Even though Rae had taken after me in most ways, there was no denying she had Brian’s eyes, copying the chocolate hues and the warmth they emitted perfectly. He was even present in her smile, and certainly in the childish pout.

“I know I’m selfish,” I continued, pausing only to tear my gaze from Rae to look back at Jimmy and Val, who seemed to be avoiding my own. “But I only just had the strength to not run after him the first time, and now all my efforts go on my girl. I don’t have the strength any more to be able to leave him again if I go back. It’s better off this way. He has millions of girls to choose from and doesn’t need to worry about anything.”

“But Nat,” Val murmured, reaching across the counter and taking my hand in hers. “You shouldn’t have to be alone because of this arrangement. It’s not fair on you.”

I smiled sadly. “After what I did to him, nothing should be fair to me any more.”