Pain Is Where the Heart Is
Divorce
My story starts with my parent's divorce. As a mere child in 3rd grade, I didn't quite understand what a divorce truly was. All I knew is my mom was always gone, coming home along with the school bus, getting clothes, and leaving within the hour. My dad was quite shaken up. Every night he would ask us to help him make the house spotless, to help with the laundry and the dishes, saying that 'maybe momma would come home more.'
My childhood had been a great one up until that point. Although my mom hardly ever presents herself in my memory, my dad made up for that. He was always there for me. Every day felt like the first day of summer vacation: free, fun, and there was so much more to come.
That's why this situation hurt me. I would be playing with my Barbie dolls when I could hear my mother screaming. I would look up into the kitchen and see her slapping and hitting my dad. I could see the tears pouring down his face. My heart would pound, but I would go back to playing with my Barbie's.
Every night after school, I would get home and eat dinner. Then I would watch Full House and Grounded For Life. By the time Grounded For Life was on, my dad would be home and watching it with me. But that particular night was different. Grounded For Life came and went without any sign of my dad. I asked my mom where he was. Her simple response was spit from cold lips in the kitchen: "Your father won't be home for a long, long time."
I didn't understand what this meant. I shrugged it off and kept watching TV as the sun went down. There was a knock at the door and my heart jumped. I thought that maybe it was daddy coming home. My mom practically sprinted to the door. It was the police, instead. They talked for a moment, then my mom told me and my kindergarten brother to put on our shoes and coats. We were going to grandma's house.
I did as she asked quickly, knowing that my cousin had a GameCube there with my favorite game, Animal Crossing. My mom ushered us into her truck and took all the back roads to grandma's house. This was odd, usually we took the highway. I didn't care though, I was going to get to play my favorite game.
Nobody was there when we got there, but my mom was prepared with a key. We entered the dark house and I went straight to the game room and turned on the game console. I played Animal Crossing well past my bedtime before my mom got the call that it was okay to take us home. When I got there, I cried myself to sleep. My dad wasn't there to sit with me until I fell asleep for the first time in my life. My mom completely disregarded my anguished wails.
__________
I remember the first day I seen my dad again. It was almost three months after he was kicked out of the house. My mom didn't tell me that, though, she told me he left us. The first words that came out of my mouth were, "Why did you leave us?"
He sat us down on the bed at my grandma's house. My heart was aching and pounding and squeezing. He told us how my mom had kicked him out. He held our hands until we had to leave three hours later. That incident poked a hole in my chest that, from that day on, was twisted and prodded until it swallowed my entire being.
__________
My mom met a man named Duane. She said that he was a very good guy and she wanted him around for a very long time. I wasn't too sure about him. He was very odd. He was always moving. He couldn't stop cracking his neck, playing with his fingers, tapping his feet, or grinding his teeth. I found his loud voice and tall frame to be quite peculiar and intimidating. Whenever he was around, I shrank back into my favorite spaces, my bedroom or my mom's laptop.
He tried to buy my love with video games and CD's. None of those bribes worked. I had a funny feeling about this man. My mom seemed to know alot about him for just meeting him. Within six months of me meeting him, they were already talking about getting married.
Later, I learned that he was the reason my mom was never around. She was cheating on my dad with him and he told her to divorce him. At the time, he was married with several other women he was cheating on. As soon as he divorced his wife, he and my mom married. It was a small, awkward wedding. There was no dancing, it was very straight-forward.
__________
As soon as Duane moved in, my mom's personality did a 180 flip. She was no longer kind and patient, but easily frustrated and paranoid. She was always convinced I was secretly contacting my dad, and when I really was, I was deep in trouble. She was always finding something about me that she didn't like. It eventually got to the point where she made me paranoid. I was always worried that there were cameras in the house and that she was monitoring my phone conversations and web history.
On many occasions, she threatened that she would take away things that were important to me. Those things were mainly my iPod, camera, computer, and phone. I would cry and beg her not to. At that point in time, those four things were keeping me alive.
Eventually, there was a big fight between us at the end of summer before my seventh grade year. Everything important to me was taken away. I can't recall what that fight was about, but it expanded that hole in my chest. It began to take over my stomach and it expanded every day. I was swimming in lonliness and turned to sleep and the outdoors to abate the pain that was growing. After almost a month, every thing was returned to me.
My mom had informed me before that month that we were moving to Texas. That month was torture. Every day I was trapped in my room, left to stare at the empty places where my dressers and bookcases and chairs used to be. There was a box of my stuff left and a bed. It made tears spring to my eyes every time I seen it. It was torture.
So when my mom told me I could have my iPod and computer access back, it was a sweet relief. I would take my iPod outside and listen to it for hours upon hours.
About the next week, my mom and stepdad went to court to try and get and order saying we could legally move to Texas. I knew something had happened because my stepdad threw his phone down on the table. I got up and went into my room. I grabbed Breaking Dawn and sat down to start reading. I could hear some banging going on upstairs, someone was punching my stepsister, Naomi's crib. Then Duane came into my room and told me my mom wanted to talk to me. She was sitting on the living room floor of our large A-frame house. I sat across from her, my brother next to me, and Duane in front of him.
My mom told me that we were moving in with my dad, but she was still moving.
"I hope you're happy that you hurt your old mother! So go, just go in your room and do your little happy dance because 'Yay! I hurt mom!'" she sobbed through fake tears. This little speech was directed at me, and while she spoke, Duane was pointing at me and saying, "You! This is all your fault!"
I was numb when I stood up. I walked to my room. I didn't do a happy dance, I just sat back down in the corner and picked the book back up.
I packed for my dad's in between commercial breaks of Steven's Untitled Rock Show on the day we had to leave. I had a mere two bags of clothing. My mom drove us to the police department after buying us ice cream. I was sick to my stomach. My mom unloaded the car and told us she'd drive up and then come back and give us a hug goodbye. She sped off, going God-knows-where, and left my brother and I standing in front of the police station.
My dad came out and loaded our bags into his car. If I thought I was depressed at my mom's, that was only the beginning.
My childhood had been a great one up until that point. Although my mom hardly ever presents herself in my memory, my dad made up for that. He was always there for me. Every day felt like the first day of summer vacation: free, fun, and there was so much more to come.
That's why this situation hurt me. I would be playing with my Barbie dolls when I could hear my mother screaming. I would look up into the kitchen and see her slapping and hitting my dad. I could see the tears pouring down his face. My heart would pound, but I would go back to playing with my Barbie's.
Every night after school, I would get home and eat dinner. Then I would watch Full House and Grounded For Life. By the time Grounded For Life was on, my dad would be home and watching it with me. But that particular night was different. Grounded For Life came and went without any sign of my dad. I asked my mom where he was. Her simple response was spit from cold lips in the kitchen: "Your father won't be home for a long, long time."
I didn't understand what this meant. I shrugged it off and kept watching TV as the sun went down. There was a knock at the door and my heart jumped. I thought that maybe it was daddy coming home. My mom practically sprinted to the door. It was the police, instead. They talked for a moment, then my mom told me and my kindergarten brother to put on our shoes and coats. We were going to grandma's house.
I did as she asked quickly, knowing that my cousin had a GameCube there with my favorite game, Animal Crossing. My mom ushered us into her truck and took all the back roads to grandma's house. This was odd, usually we took the highway. I didn't care though, I was going to get to play my favorite game.
Nobody was there when we got there, but my mom was prepared with a key. We entered the dark house and I went straight to the game room and turned on the game console. I played Animal Crossing well past my bedtime before my mom got the call that it was okay to take us home. When I got there, I cried myself to sleep. My dad wasn't there to sit with me until I fell asleep for the first time in my life. My mom completely disregarded my anguished wails.
__________
I remember the first day I seen my dad again. It was almost three months after he was kicked out of the house. My mom didn't tell me that, though, she told me he left us. The first words that came out of my mouth were, "Why did you leave us?"
He sat us down on the bed at my grandma's house. My heart was aching and pounding and squeezing. He told us how my mom had kicked him out. He held our hands until we had to leave three hours later. That incident poked a hole in my chest that, from that day on, was twisted and prodded until it swallowed my entire being.
__________
My mom met a man named Duane. She said that he was a very good guy and she wanted him around for a very long time. I wasn't too sure about him. He was very odd. He was always moving. He couldn't stop cracking his neck, playing with his fingers, tapping his feet, or grinding his teeth. I found his loud voice and tall frame to be quite peculiar and intimidating. Whenever he was around, I shrank back into my favorite spaces, my bedroom or my mom's laptop.
He tried to buy my love with video games and CD's. None of those bribes worked. I had a funny feeling about this man. My mom seemed to know alot about him for just meeting him. Within six months of me meeting him, they were already talking about getting married.
Later, I learned that he was the reason my mom was never around. She was cheating on my dad with him and he told her to divorce him. At the time, he was married with several other women he was cheating on. As soon as he divorced his wife, he and my mom married. It was a small, awkward wedding. There was no dancing, it was very straight-forward.
__________
As soon as Duane moved in, my mom's personality did a 180 flip. She was no longer kind and patient, but easily frustrated and paranoid. She was always convinced I was secretly contacting my dad, and when I really was, I was deep in trouble. She was always finding something about me that she didn't like. It eventually got to the point where she made me paranoid. I was always worried that there were cameras in the house and that she was monitoring my phone conversations and web history.
On many occasions, she threatened that she would take away things that were important to me. Those things were mainly my iPod, camera, computer, and phone. I would cry and beg her not to. At that point in time, those four things were keeping me alive.
Eventually, there was a big fight between us at the end of summer before my seventh grade year. Everything important to me was taken away. I can't recall what that fight was about, but it expanded that hole in my chest. It began to take over my stomach and it expanded every day. I was swimming in lonliness and turned to sleep and the outdoors to abate the pain that was growing. After almost a month, every thing was returned to me.
My mom had informed me before that month that we were moving to Texas. That month was torture. Every day I was trapped in my room, left to stare at the empty places where my dressers and bookcases and chairs used to be. There was a box of my stuff left and a bed. It made tears spring to my eyes every time I seen it. It was torture.
So when my mom told me I could have my iPod and computer access back, it was a sweet relief. I would take my iPod outside and listen to it for hours upon hours.
About the next week, my mom and stepdad went to court to try and get and order saying we could legally move to Texas. I knew something had happened because my stepdad threw his phone down on the table. I got up and went into my room. I grabbed Breaking Dawn and sat down to start reading. I could hear some banging going on upstairs, someone was punching my stepsister, Naomi's crib. Then Duane came into my room and told me my mom wanted to talk to me. She was sitting on the living room floor of our large A-frame house. I sat across from her, my brother next to me, and Duane in front of him.
My mom told me that we were moving in with my dad, but she was still moving.
"I hope you're happy that you hurt your old mother! So go, just go in your room and do your little happy dance because 'Yay! I hurt mom!'" she sobbed through fake tears. This little speech was directed at me, and while she spoke, Duane was pointing at me and saying, "You! This is all your fault!"
I was numb when I stood up. I walked to my room. I didn't do a happy dance, I just sat back down in the corner and picked the book back up.
I packed for my dad's in between commercial breaks of Steven's Untitled Rock Show on the day we had to leave. I had a mere two bags of clothing. My mom drove us to the police department after buying us ice cream. I was sick to my stomach. My mom unloaded the car and told us she'd drive up and then come back and give us a hug goodbye. She sped off, going God-knows-where, and left my brother and I standing in front of the police station.
My dad came out and loaded our bags into his car. If I thought I was depressed at my mom's, that was only the beginning.