No One

I solomnly swear I will not fall in love.

I made the mistake once, and ended up torn and heartbroken. But it's not like that person ever liked me back. No, he was vaguely aware I even existed, so on my part it was unrequited. A quiet crush.

Days would pass in which I would bask in his presence alone. The days we shared one fateful class in school together. He was a senior at the time, me a sophomore, so of course I'd become tongue-tied when he merely asked for a pencil or a sheet of paper.

My heart would beat against my chest, and I could only nod and hand the requested item over quietly. Hoping, praying that my actions might say something louder then my words ever would. I'd never tell him how I felt. I wasn't sure how.

Sometimes we'd have brief conversation. Mostly about random things, such as the funky shoes I tend to wear with the odd assortment of colored laces. Other times it would be on the topic of politics, which I had no interest in, but ended up talking about anyways.

And then those times we'd catch eachothers gaze, and he'd offer me a smile.... It helped me get through the day.

There were times where it would go back to him not noticing me. I wanted to give up on him, but I was so madly in love with him. In love with someone I barely knew, but it was love none-the-less. How could it possibly be anything else but that? My mind always wandered back to him somehow.

Today I made my way to the clinic, slipping in the door and taking a seat in one of the few chairs they had arranged here. I was alone. There was no nurse to this clinic. I was uncomfortable, but that feeling was ebbed away as realization set in. It was gone as the emotions locked deep within my heart ruptured inside me.

I wanted to cry. Yell and scream and shout that I loved him for everyone to hear. But most of all, I wanted to forget him. This way, I wouldn't have to be here now, sensing that I was unwanted.

Fact: I wasn't the type of person he wanted to be with. I was withdrawn, quiet, and a little unsociable. He was all I wasn't, I was all he didn't want.

It wasn't the first time I've felt like this. All my other former crushes ended the same, leaving me disappointed. I couldn't bring myself to open up and admit I liked them before it was to late.

That's ok, I guess they ended up with someone better then I would ever be.

As I sit here, reminiscing on it all, I feel my heart dwindle and wither away. I knew I would never be able to admit my feeling for anyone, no matter how stong they were. Not now or ever. It's just the way I am.

What do I do with myself? How will I overcome?

Possibly, it may never happen. I might suffer forever, but from now until the source of my happiness and joy (him) graduates, I'll sit next to him everyday in math, plaster a smile on my face, and bear the fact that he'll never be mine. That's the only way I know how to live.

After that, I really don't know what the future will hold.

Fate draws me to say goodbye
After many years of counting your every breath
Every bat of your eye
Is this how it really ends?
I'm sorry I had to pretend
Watch every word I said.
Alas, as the flickering glow of the candle fades out
Life once more becomes a hollow pit
Nothingness
Nothingness
And losing everything
The ending of Someone
And the beginning of No One