Status: Work in Progress
Life After Suicide
Prologue
Suicide. For some it is the ultimate sin, for others it is the ultimate solution. Most fall into the first category. As for those in the latter, the majority are no longer breathing. But there are a select few people who failed at what was supposed to be their final act, and despite their best efforts, are still alive.
I happen to be one of said people.
But the hard part is not stopping a person from committing the act itself. The truly difficult part is stopping said person from wanting to commit the act.
Even after the truth is revealed, and placed out in the open, recovery is not quick. It is a long and painful road to normalcy, one that requires support of friends and family.
But what if your family doesn’t understand and your friends have given up? What if the only way to keep people from running away is to pretend everything is okay when it’s not? What if you fall back onto the same path that led you to suicide the first time? What if there’s no one left to catch you when you fall?
For every step forward there are a million things to pull you ten steps back. For every person to help there is someone to push you back down. It is a careful balance between moving onward and merely sweeping it under the rug. Unfortunately, it is very easy to confuse the two.
Because, once caught in the web of suicide, it feels impossible to be completely free. The real trick is accepting that it will always be a part of you, and learning from it, not just running from your past.
However, it is not a lesson that can be taught, but more a lesson that must be learned. Although it can be painful, unbearable even, it is unavoidable if you ever want to move on with your life.
Often times, life after suicide is just as difficult as before the attempt, only now there is no hope of a solution. When your eyes have been trained to see suicide as the only answer, it is almost inconceivable to think that any other solution exists when your first choice is no longer an option.
Too many teenagers face these problems, and more. High school alone is a difficult enough time for any person, and it not an ideal environment to regain the want to live again. But we must learn to play with cards we are dealt, no matter how horrible they may seem.
Because, inevitably, life after suicide is as much a struggle between life and death as the day you attempted to end your life. You must learn to again belong to the world you tried to escape forever. It takes much courage to face the events and people that lead you to turn to suicide, but if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
But make no mistake, it is far easier said than done, and it is not something that can be overcome alone. Except, not everyone is willing to help.
* * *
This is the chronicle of my year post-suicide. While I was very much still breathing, I was not really alive. This is the story of my junior year in high school, following a suicide attempt and the subsequent struggle to regain friendships, trust, and support, all while wishing I were dead.
This is my story.
-Jessie Ann Berk
I happen to be one of said people.
But the hard part is not stopping a person from committing the act itself. The truly difficult part is stopping said person from wanting to commit the act.
Even after the truth is revealed, and placed out in the open, recovery is not quick. It is a long and painful road to normalcy, one that requires support of friends and family.
But what if your family doesn’t understand and your friends have given up? What if the only way to keep people from running away is to pretend everything is okay when it’s not? What if you fall back onto the same path that led you to suicide the first time? What if there’s no one left to catch you when you fall?
For every step forward there are a million things to pull you ten steps back. For every person to help there is someone to push you back down. It is a careful balance between moving onward and merely sweeping it under the rug. Unfortunately, it is very easy to confuse the two.
Because, once caught in the web of suicide, it feels impossible to be completely free. The real trick is accepting that it will always be a part of you, and learning from it, not just running from your past.
However, it is not a lesson that can be taught, but more a lesson that must be learned. Although it can be painful, unbearable even, it is unavoidable if you ever want to move on with your life.
Often times, life after suicide is just as difficult as before the attempt, only now there is no hope of a solution. When your eyes have been trained to see suicide as the only answer, it is almost inconceivable to think that any other solution exists when your first choice is no longer an option.
Too many teenagers face these problems, and more. High school alone is a difficult enough time for any person, and it not an ideal environment to regain the want to live again. But we must learn to play with cards we are dealt, no matter how horrible they may seem.
Because, inevitably, life after suicide is as much a struggle between life and death as the day you attempted to end your life. You must learn to again belong to the world you tried to escape forever. It takes much courage to face the events and people that lead you to turn to suicide, but if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
But make no mistake, it is far easier said than done, and it is not something that can be overcome alone. Except, not everyone is willing to help.
* * *
This is the chronicle of my year post-suicide. While I was very much still breathing, I was not really alive. This is the story of my junior year in high school, following a suicide attempt and the subsequent struggle to regain friendships, trust, and support, all while wishing I were dead.
This is my story.
-Jessie Ann Berk