Right Now, I'm Anyone's

The day after Georgia and I had sat around doing nothing – Wednesday – had gone smoothly, basically. I got my head down and carried on with the work I had to do, made an idiot of myself with Maddox and a couple of the bands, and, best of all, I didn’t see Dean until the show. I suppose he was avoiding me just as much as I was avoiding him.

Jake had come to talk to me an hour or so before the show about looking after Edie on Friday night, because Zara apparently had to go back to London the day before and he had nobody else. I agreed almost straight away and he smiled, gave me a hug and went off to sort out his sound check. I was happy to actually be able to spend some time with Edie; it’d be nice getting to know her.

It wasn’t until Thursday, however, when things started getting a little bit harder. The daytime itself wasn’t any different to Wednesday, really, but as the show came nearer, things kept cropping up out of no where. For one, James had been missing in action since the early hours of the morning, and nobody was sure where he’d gone. Deaf Havana only really started panicking when it was just over two hours before the show started.

John had me working backstage all day, so I didn’t see much of anybody but Gary and Maddox. I’d be working backstage for the show as well, since three people were working the bar. The most I had to do was sort out a couple of pieces of equipment – if it even needed sorting out – pass things to the bands on stage and replace the water bottles between sets. Very, very simple.

“Oh damn, sorry.” Somebody knocked sharply into my shoulder. “It’s you! Hey.”

I turned around and smiled. Jeremy was the one who’d knocked into me while I was carrying armfuls of wires. We’d only started talking during the day, but he was a nice enough person to be around – albeit a little bit quiet. I wasn’t that close to him yet, but I had a feeling that’d change.

“It’s okay,” I smiled. “No damage done.”

“Good to know.” He laughed. “Can’t afford to pay for any broken shit.”

“This is true.”

He laughed again. “I’ll leave you to it. See you around.”

I gave him a parting smile and a small wave before he turned to leave me to my work. It didn’t take too long for me to get bored with what I was doing – I can’t even remember what I was actually doing – and it took an even shorter time to convince myself that it was okay to stop. I moved away from the stage, making sure to keep out of John’s sight, and made my way to the dressing rooms. I was trying to see if I could bump into a friendly face to spend the last hour and a half with before the fourth show of the festival started. Naturally, straight to room number five.

“Hey,” I said as I walked through the door. “Tom, Lee, Johnny and Edie. What’s going on?”

Johnny smiled weakly at me from the sagging couch with Edie bouncing on his knee, while Tom and Lee pacing around the room impatiently, both of their phones glued to the sides of their heads and frustrated looks on their faces.

“They’re still trying to get in touch with James,” Johnny mumbled as I moved to sit on the arm of the couch. “They’ll have to cancel their set if they can’t find him.”

“That’s not good,” I grimaced.

Johnny just nodded his head in agreement before he went back to staring at the two. It was like a game of tennis; back and forth, back and forth. I was surprised that nobody had gotten in touch with him yet, and then I got worried that he was hurt or something. Deaf Havana were steadily becoming one of the favourites playing in this festival, along with Alexisonfire and A Day To Remember.

Edie was giggling and spluttering while Johnny absently bounced his knee underneath him. Johnny was still staring at Tom and Lee, both of whom had sat in a couple of chairs across from us. Lee had given up calling James, but Tom’s phone was still stuck to the side of his head.

“You been trying all day?” I asked Lee as he shoved his hand through his long brown hair. He sighed and nodded his head.

“We’re going to have to cancel if he doesn’t show up.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You can’t just find someone to replace him?”

Johnny snapped his fingers next to me. I turned to look at him and saw a huge grin on his face. What? Nobody thought of that one yet?

“That could work,” Johnny said, his leg still jiggling.

“No,” Lee muttered. “Nobody on this bloody festival knows our songs.”

I sighed and slumped back in the sofa. I folded my arms over my chest and looked at my knees for a long, long time, trying to think up a solution for the band. Then it came to me, I remembered something, something that could be very helpful. Or fail miserably.

“Johnny,” I said. “Your brother knows their songs, right?”

“Yes...”

“So, ask him if he’ll do it.”

Lee interjected. “I don’t know, Leila. James helped write most of these songs, it’d feel strange playing them without him.”

“Lee,” I said, rolling my eyes slightly. “Technically, it’s James’ fault you’re in this bind. Plus Dean and James seem close; it’s better than having to cancel.”

“Come on,” Tom said. “It’s a decent idea.”

Lee looked from Tom, to me, to Johnny and back again. “I’ll have to talk to Ryan and Chris about it.”

Lee stood up out of his seat and pulled his phone back out of his pocket. He walked out of the dressing room, the phone held to his ear. I assumed he was calling Ryan or Chris to ask what they think of it. Edie scrambled off of Johnny’s lap and situated herself on mine, tugging lightly on the ends of my hair.

“Where’s Jake anyway?” I asked, placing my arms securely around her waist.

“I think he’s with that Georgia girl,” Johnny answered. “Dean, Max, Daniel and Craig were out in the van last time I checked.”

I just nodded and shrugged my shoulders. Even if I had something to say, there wouldn’t have been time to say it. Lee walked back into the dressing room. He sat back down in his previous seat and looked a bit less burdened than before.

“Ryan and Chris were together then,” he said. “They’re both cool with Dean filling in if James doesn’t show within the next half hour.”

“That’s great!” Tom said, jumping up out of his chair. “Going to go chill with that Zoë girl for a while.”

Tom disappeared through the door and I laughed. He and Zoë, for an unknown reason, had bonded in the short amount of time they knew each other. Since I wasn’t that close to either of them, it wasn’t really my place to ask what was going on there. Lee excused himself shortly afterwards, leaving Johnny and I in the dressing room.

“So,” Johnny said, pulling Edie back to him to tickle her belly. “Dean told me he talked to you the other night.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah, he did.”

“What about?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “He had a go at me for being a little bit prickly to him still, then practically told me that I missed him.”

Johnny laughed. “Sounds like my brother.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

I looked at Johnny and furrowed my eyebrows. “Do I what?”

“Miss him?” Johnny asked, a ‘duh’ tone obvious in his voice.

I exhaled heavily and closed my eyes, turning my face away from Johnny. “Probably.”

“What do you mean probably?” Johnny laughed, leaning back in the couch while Edie used him as a climbing frame.

“I don’t know how I feel,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I have to get back to work Johnny, so I’ll probably see you later on.”

Johnny said it was okay because he had his hands full with Edie anyway and let me go on my way. I stood and walked over to the door, pulling it open and stepping outside in a couple of swift movements. Just after I shut the door, I turned and walked into something that felt pretty solid.

“Oh, sorry.” God damn it, I thought. Does God or whatever being is up there – if any – actually hate me?

“It’s okay, Dean,” I said, keeping my eyes cast down onto the concrete floor. I swerved around him and started walking down the corridor. A second later his hand curled around my upper arm and stopped me from leaving. If I’m honest, I felt bad about being bitchy with him when we went out. I missed him, of course I did, but I wouldn’t let him know that.

“Leila, can we talk, please?” he asked, letting go of my arm.

“Depends,” I muttered my eyes still on the floor. “What about?”

I heard him sigh. “I just want to talk to you.”

“So, talk,” I said, lifting my eyes to meet his and raising my eyebrows.

“Okay,” he said. “I wanted to know if we can just be mature. It’d be nice to be able to stay in the same room as you without wanting to kill you for some random little argument.”

I laughed bitterly. “I know what you mean.”

He shot me that half-smile he always used to do, back when he was sixteen and I felt like a complete idiot for the little feeling in the pit of my stomach. He held his hand out to me and said, “So, are we friends?”

“Why not?” I laughed uneasily and shook his hand quickly. “Get in your dressing room, Johnny has something to ask you.”

*****

It was approximately four hours and thirty minutes – making it about eight thirty – since I’d left dressing room number five. Johnny was just fiddling about with his camera in the photographers pit while Eye Witness set up their equipment for their slot. Jake had been thoughtful and gotten me a drink before he came up.

“Dean’s going to be standing in for James,” Jake said to me as I stood near the drum kit while he set up properly. “Bit shocked though, we’ve toured with Havana before and James’ never missed a single show.”

“First time for everything, right?” I laughed. “I’m sure Lee and the rest of them are preparing a bollocking anyway.”

Jake laughed and nodded his head. Two minutes later I had to leave the stage. I leaned against the black wall, hoping that none of the scum off it was going to stick to my shirt. Dean was the last person to get on stage. He shot me a small smile before he turned to his crowd. The smile made my stomach do a tiny flip, to which I mentally slapped myself in the face.

“Leila!” Gary shouted over the opening chords of their first song. “You going to be alright if I take my break?”

I nodded my head and waved my hand at him to signal it was alright. “Course, go ahead!”

Considering each band only had a fifteen minute set, Eye Witness owned the place entirely during their set. I hate to say it, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of Dean while he performed. It was just the way he moved, the feeling he put into every word in every song they did. They didn’t do their cover of Horizons tonight, but they covered a song of a metal band I’d never heard of before.

I sipped at my drink while they performed, trying my best to train my eyes away from Dean. A couple of minutes before the end of the set, Ryan came to the stage side with Edie balanced on his hip. He smiled at me and walked over, using his free arm to give me a hug.

“She wouldn’t sit still in the dressing room,” Ryan shouted into my ear. Edie was staring at the stage; I could see her little brown eyes looking all over the place. Max spotted her and shot her a little goofy smile that made her giggle. They were finishing up their final song, and Dean was starting on some last minute banter with the crowd when he looked over and caught sight of us.

“Okay, you were all bloody fantastic,” he said, pushing his sweat-soaked hair away. He turned around to face Jake where he sat at the drum kit and said, “Shall we introduce her?”

A minute later, Jake’s voice could be heard, “Definitely.”

Dean laughed. “Alright. So does anybody want to meet the world’s smallest metal fan?”

I smiled and shook my head as the crowd cheered. Ryan was laughing where he stood next to me, which Edie thought meant ‘pull Ryan’s hair’. I laughed and he scowled, passing Edie off to me and turning to leave the stage.

“So, bring her out!” Dean said imploringly, staring at me and laughing. “Eden Daniels everyone.”

I rolled my eyes and hitched her further onto my hip before I walked onto the stage with her. I approached Dean and stood beside him awkwardly at the crowd made ‘aw’ noises and cheered. Edie giggled and poked Dean in the side of the neck. He placed a sweaty arm around my shoulder and went back to speaking to the crowd. My stomach didn’t flip; I felt sick from the stench.

“How old are you, Eeds?” Dean said, turning to look at her. I saw her cheeks flushing slightly and she buried her face into my neck. I laughed and muttered that it was okay. She lifted her head again, but instead of speaking into the microphone Dean offered her, she just held up four fingers.

The crowd awed again and I laughed. Dean smiled and took his arm from around my shoulder. “Alright, we’re Eye Witness and we hope you have a good fucking night. Architects up next.”

Jake was by my side before I could turn to face the drum set. He took Edie out of my arms and smiled at her happily. I’d never seen anybody look at another person and look like they loved them as much as he did then. Edie was Jake’s world; there’s nothing he wouldn’t have done to protect that little girl. I said goodbye to the band and went about doing my job again.

*****

The nine bands after Architects played just as good as the last time I saw them. Jack Barakat attempted to drag me onstage while All Time Low performed Weightless, Sean Smith made me jump out of my skin when he crept up behind me wearing fake vampire fangs, and Sierra gave me a tight hug before she went on. I remembered that I’d forgotten to return her top to her as well, damn.

Asking Alexandria was just fixing up their equipment while I sat at the stage side on top of an old amplifier. Johnny came and sat with me as they began to play, snapping a couple of pictures every now and again, despite the fact that the house photographer and Asking Alexandria’s photographer were doing that for them. He brought up two cups of drink for the both of us as we sat and watched.

“You know what?” Johnny said, his voice risen over the booming music. “I understand why you do all this.”

“Yeah?” I asked as I sipped at my drink. I then realised it was beer and gagged, placing it down on one of the amps next to my own.

“Yeah,” he shouted. “Seeing things like this so often, it must be amazing.”

I smiled and nodded my head. He was right; it was amazing. It was one of the best jobs I could ever get. Sure, I could’ve been a graphic designer or an artist or even a music producer, got myself known worldwide. But I knew this was better.

When you see a band live for the first time, and it’s a good show, you never, ever forget it. I remembered every single show that was hosted at Flux. It didn’t matter that my idiot of a boss couldn’t remember my name and constantly shot down my designs for his precious flyers and posters; as long as the music kept coming here, that’s all that matter to me.

Asking Alexandria finished off their performance with Hey There Mr. Brooks, and said their goodnights to the crowd before walking offstage. Danny Worsnop – the vocalist – stopped to have a talk with Johnny, as he’d noticed him taking photographs throughout the set. Johnny’s face lit up with excitement when Danny asked to have a look at them when the show was finished in half an hour.

“Okay, in a bit mate,” Danny said, smiling at me as he clapped Johnny on the shoulder.

Johnny looked at me and smiled wide. I returned the smile before I made my way onto the stage to replace the water bottles for Deaf Havana. When I moved back to the stage side, where I’d been standing with Johnny, he was gone and Dean was standing there a guitar in his hands. I kept my head down like I hadn’t seen him and sat back down on my amp.

“Everything okay?” he asked as he fiddled with the guitar.

I nodded and watched Ryan, Lee, Tom and Chris pass onto the stage. “Yep. You?”

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “I’m nervous as fuck, but alright otherwise.”

“Why?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at him, perplexed. Dean never got nervous. He was always confident, on the border of arrogant. I had imagined that it would’ve built up over time. But no, he’d been an arrogant sixteen year old boy, but now he was a nervous, twenty-two year old man. How much sense does that make?

“Because I’ve never played live twice in one night,” he said, keeping his eyes down on the guitar. “I’ve never actually played with Havana before, and this is basically James’ territory.”

“Why does that matter? You know the songs, the lyrics,” I said. “You perform brilliantly most of the time.”

He shrugged his shoulders indicating he didn’t know. He stayed where he was at the stage side, rather than entering the actual stage itself and setting up properly, like the rest of the band were doing. I didn’t understand why until the set began. Ryan took the microphone at centre-stage out of its stand and started speaking.

“We have a bit of bad news, and some good news,” Ryan announced. The crowd booed slightly, while some cheered.

“Okay,” Ryan laughed. “So as you might’ve noticed James isn’t around, as he has to deal with some personal issues tonight.”

The crowd booed again, but Ryan interrupted. “But! But we have a special guest in place of him.”

It was obvious that a lot of people in the audience weren’t impressed with this piece of news. I could distinctly hear half of them booing at Ryan’s words, while the other half just cheered. Ryan laughed into the microphone and I watched Dean as he started the opening to This Afternoon Was A Total Disaster, being shortly followed by Chris.

Ryan was full of energy after that, moving around the entire stage. “You've already had one foot out the door for quite some time and I'm already be losing sleep.”

When Ryan had finished that line, Dean ran onto the stage, still playing the guitar perfectly. The crowd below cheered and whooped as he started singing the verse that James would normally sing. Their voices were most definitely different, but it still sounded fantastic. Dean couldn’t interact nearly as much as he did when it was his own band, partly because of the guitar, partly because that was Ryan’s job.

Once the song was over, Ryan chuckled into the microphone, breathing heavily. “Surprise!”

The crowd went insane and I smiled contently. They played This Town Is Ours and Oh Howard, You Crack Me Up after that. Dean was doing brilliantly. The opening chords to The Tune Of ID started up and I smiled again. I waited for the most difficult part of the song, just so I could see if Dean did it properly.

When he did, I couldn’t hide my elation; he did perfectly. I seriously couldn’t stop smiling, and I don’t know why because I shouldn’t be smiling about anything to do with Dean. Jake joined me stage side halfway through Nicotine and Alcohol Saved My Life, but I didn’t notice until he started speaking to me.

“Enjoying yourself there?” he called, as he smiled.

“Yeah,” I laughed. “He’s doing great.”

Jake nodded his head in agreement. “He’s not James, but he is good.”

I nodded and watched the end of the set. Dean was the last offstage, as per usual, and he looked like he’d just faced all his fears in one go. He came over to where Jake and I stood and beamed at the both of us like a little kid.

“And to think you were nervous,” I smiled. Dean laughed and shoved me slightly on his way past me to exit the stage. I assumed that Jake would follow him when I went to replace the water bottles onstage, but he didn’t.

He was smiling at me like he knew something. A real, shit-eating grin. I hated it, because what he knew or what he thought he knew, he was probably right about. And I probably knew myself.

“What?” I asked, defensively.

“Nothing,” he said, feigning innocence. “I was just wondering.”

“What were you wondering, Daniels?”

Jake shrugged his shoulders and smirked at me again. “I was wondering if you’re done lying to yourself.”