Right Now, I'm Anyone's

Edie jolted awake at the sound of three, sharp knocks on my front door. She kept dozing off while she curled tightly into my side, in between telling me she was hungry. She was up and out of her seat in about three seconds flat, bounding towards the front door, waiting there for me to open it. I’d already told her that Dean would be coming over with some food for her.

“Hey,” I said, opening the front door and avoiding eye contact. Dean was standing with a small McDonald’s Happy Meal in one hand and a blue and white striped plastic bag – which stank strongly of vinegar – in the other. Dean smiled down at Edie and handed me the box.

“Hey, Eeds,” Dean said, catching her with his free arm as she jumped up to him. He bounced her slightly, slipping her around to balance on his hip while I stepped back to let him come inside.

“Go watch the film, I’ll get your food,” I said to Edie after Dean had put her back down and shut the front door behind him. I put the Happy Meal box on the counter – Dean following by putting the plastic bag beside it – and went into one of the cupboards to get a plate for Edie.

“You’re the first person I ever met that puts McDonald’s Happy Meals’ on a plate, Leila,” Dean said, stifling some laughter. I rolled my eyes at him and carried on with putting Edie’s food out on to the plate.

“It’s neater this way,” I said. “She won’t get all messy.”

“But you have to wash the plate.”

“Better than washing a four year old, right?”

He laughed and held his hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay. But if you insist on putting all takeaway food on plates, we’ll need two more.”

“Why?” I asked, walking into the living room to give Edie her food. She took the plate from me and – without taking her eyes off of the television – immediately started eating. Once I got back to Dean, he’d opened up the plastic bag and brought out two brown paper packages. The vinegar smell was even stronger, and getting worse as he unwrapped a medium sized portion of chips.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I said.

Dean just shrugged his shoulders and handed the other package to me. “Thought I might as well, and I was hungry too.”

I laughed and collected two more plates from the cupboard. “Thanks, I’ll pay you back on Monday.”

“No problem, but don’t pay me back, its fine,” he shook his head and laughed. I set the plates down in front of us and unwrapped my package as he emptied his onto his plate. He was still as stubborn as ever, that much was evident; so there wasn’t really any point in arguing. After I handed a fork to Dean, he and I made out way back over to where Edie sat in the middle of the couch. I crossed my legs in front of my and perched the plate between my knees before I started eating.

The three of us sat together in total silence, eating our food. Edie and Dean were more or less entirely focussed on the last couple of minutes of Wallace And Gromit, while I just ate and stared blankly at the television screen. Having Dean sitting in my house with his best friends little girl was...well, fucking strange. Soon, I lost my appetite and put my half empty plate onto the coffee table. Dean was scarfing down his own food, while Edie just picked at the last of her chips half-heartedly.

“You finished?” I asked Edie. She nodded her head and leaned back into the couch. Her eyes lolled sleepily and it was obvious we wouldn’t have trouble getting her into bed by nine o’clock. It was around half past eight by then, and she was already falling asleep. I picked up her plate and my own, putting them in the kitchen before I excused myself to use the bathroom.

I was grateful to be able to get out of the room for a couple of minutes. I couldn’t look at Dean without feeling my heart move in this really, really strange way that I’d never felt before. I washed my hands, taking my time so that I could think properly. Knowing Dean, he could still read me like an open book.

I still wasn’t entirely sure what to think or how to feel with Dean around again; even if we had agreed on a friendship, my stomach still knotted when I heard him speak. I almost completely forgot about Levi whenever he was there, which ended up in me feeling absolutely wretched because I loved Levi, and it wasn’t fair for me to be thinking the way I was. He was my boyfriend, as well as one of my best friends. He clearly loved me enough to ask me to marry him; how could I just forget he exists because of this one person?

Unfortunately, Dean wasn’t just a person. He was Dean; my first...everything, really. First uncertainty, love, everything. But after the first six months of being away from him, it started getting easier to be without him. I didn’t have to think about him anymore. I thought I would’ve forgotten him forever, never see him again. But no, he just has to come back in.

“Leila?” Dean shouted from the living room, shattering my thoughts. “You alright?”

I looked at the locked door in the mirror and sighed deeply. I unlocked the door and went back into the living room. Dean was sitting on the couch with Edie curled up in his lap. I smiled and laughed quietly, moving to take the plate off of the arm of the couch and set it in the kitchen sink with the other two.

“Everything okay?” he asked again as I washed the dishes thoroughly in the sink. He was looking at me peculiarly; I knew he was trying to guess what was wrong with me. How could he not know? How does he manage to feel completely at ease about this? About sitting in my living room, on my couch after six years of no contact?

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, offering a fake chuckle. “Just went off inside my head a bit there.”

“That hasn’t changed them,” Dean laughed. I watched him as he idly stroked Edie’s hair as she slept. She sniffled in her sleep and smiled slightly. I turned away, back to the sink and finished up with the dishes. I glanced back over to Edie and Dean and caught him staring. Quickly, he looked away, going back to playing with Edie’s hair.

“Where’s she sleeping?” he asked, keeping his eyes on Edie.

I shrugged. “She’ll have to take my bed, I suppose.”

Dean nodded his head and stood up wordlessly, picking Edie up with him and making his way towards the door leading to the bedroom. I called to him which one was mine as Edie wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled her face into his chest. I couldn’t help but smile and watch as he walked quietly to my bedroom.

I sat down on the couch and picked up the remote control to turn the DVD player off. I searched through the channels for something to watch, eventually settling on a Mock the Week re-run and dropping the remote down on the coffee table again. I stretched my arms up as high as I could over my head and yawned. I waited for ten minutes or so before actually wondering what was taking Dean so long.

I got up and went to my room, carefully pushing the door open so I didn’t make any noise. Rain lashed against the glass of the window, drizzling down to drip off of the dark green sill. Edie was tucked tightly under the duvet on my bed. Dean hadn’t noticed me; he was sitting at the end of the bed, staring around at my bedroom.

“What are you doing?” I asked in a whisper so I didn’t wake Edie up. Dean jumped slightly and turned his head around to look at me the second he heard me speak. He stood up off of the bed and looked awkwardly out of the window, while he stood and fidgeted with his hands.

“Sorry,” he said. “I was surprised to see the walls not covered in art.”

I sighed and looked around my bedroom. The most decoration it had was posters. A lot of posters, mind, but I always loved doing my artwork so much more. “I can’t do it here, can I? We don’t own it.”

Dean shrugged his shoulders. “I think your dads kept all the stuff you did when you were there.”

I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly and looked away from him. “Yeah, I know. I visited last year.”

“You what?” Dean asked, turning to face me again.

“I said I visited last year.”

He raised his eyebrows at me and scoffed slightly before he seemed to catch himself. He wiped his face blank and looked away from me again.

“What?” I asked defensively.

“Nothing.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just say it.”

“I just wondered why you didn’t think to let any of us know you were visiting.”

“Dean,” I sighed. “I hadn’t seen you in five years; I didn’t even think about checking in on you.”

He shook his head. “No. Johnny or Anna. They would’ve loved to see you again. Not that I wouldn’t have-I mean...never mind.”

Truth is, the part where I said I didn’t even think about checking in, that was a huge lie. Everyday, for two weeks, I thought about going next door to the Owens’ household to see if he was still there, see if his bedroom was the same, see if his mother remembered me. But my dad, knowing what had happened between Dean and I, didn’t invite the Owens’ over at all while I was there. I convinced myself not to go by telling myself that I didn’t care if Dean was the same, or his room, or his mother.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he said when I made a face. “Forget I said anything.”

He looked around my room and couple more times and sighed before walking past me, back into the living room. I followed shortly afterwards and caught him pulling his coat back on and making his way to the door. I leaned against the wall near the front door and watched him.

“You can’t go in this weather,” I said, chewing my bottom lip.

He shrugged his shoulders. “My job’s done; don’t want to intrude anymore.”

“No.” I put my hand on the door, holding it shut. “I don’t want you trying to get back to Flux in this weather. You’ll catch something and miss the rest of the festival.”

“There’s nowhere for me to sleep,” he said.

“You can have my bed and I’ll steal my roommates. Or vice versa, whichever works best.”

He sighed and took his jacket off again, turning to hang it up on a peg. He couldn’t think of any kind of argument that’d persuade me into letting him leave. He and I went back into the living room and settled ourselves on opposite ends of the couch – I made sure we didn’t touch, not even a little bit. We stared at the television and laughed at all the right bits.

*****

An hour or so later, after every awkward silence that could’ve happened and every stupid thing that could’ve been said, Dean and I finally relaxed around each other a lot more. We had sat in front of the television since he put Edie to bed, one of us occasionally getting up for toilet breaks or something. We’d gone from Mock the Week to Argumental, where Marcus Brigstocke was taking the piss out of Liverpool. Dean was nearly dying from laughter.

“I really doubt it’s that bad,” I said.

Dean nodded. “Been. Some bloke tried to start a fight with our Johnny for nothing.”

“Aren’t Carcer City from there though? And Abrogation’s Crown?” I asked.

Dean nodded. “Carcer are alright lads. Haven’t spoken to anyone from Abrogation’s Crown yet.”

“There you go then; don’t let one person represent a whole city.” I stuck my tongue out at him childishly.

“Shut up,” he laughed, leaning over to smack my arm lightly with the back of his hand. “Carcer are actually from Wirral, not Liverpool.”

“Know-it-all.”

He laughed and I kicked him in his leg. I heard my phone start ringing, but I forgot where I put it. I jumped up and searched around for a while. I turned around and Dean had his arm extended to me, my phone in his hand.

“Hello?” I said, giving Dean a little glare as he laughed at the television.

“Hey, babe,” Levi answered. “You busy or something?”

“Oh, no.” I went into the kitchen. “Why?”

“I heard someone there with you,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “It was Dimitri.”

“Oh, cool,” he laughed. “I was just thinking; since I couldn’t see you tonight, do you want to come to lunch tomorrow?”

I smiled. “Of course.”

“Good.” There was a pause before he spoke again, only faster. “My parents are meeting us at twelve, so I’ll pick you up at eleven.”

“Oh.” I felt my face drop a little bit. “Okay, I’ll be ready.”

“Good. I love you, bye.”

I half-smiled. “I love you too.”

I pressed the end call button on my phone and put it onto the counter top in front of me. I put my elbows on the countertop and my face into my hands. Levi’s parents weren’t particularly fond of me. Well, his dad never said more than one word in one sitting, but his mother made it painfully obvious she thought her precious boy was far too good for me.

I heard Dean clear his throat. “You alright?”

I just nodded and sighed. “Yeah.”

Dean just nodded his head and didn’t ask me what was wrong. I stood up straight and collapsed back onto the couch. I noticed Dean looking particularly awkward in my peripheral vision. The kind of awkward where you’ve just walked in on your parents having sex.

We sat again, in another awkward silence until Argumental was finished. Obviously, we laughed now and again, but it was forced and it wasn’t nearly as easy as before Levi called. I didn’t understand why he was being so tense all of a sudden. He still had that bad habit of controlling the atmosphere of a room, evidently.

“So,” I said, breaking the silence when I couldn’t take it anymore. “How’s...your life?”

Dean laughed and raised his eyebrows. “It’s going good. Great band, good friends, reliable family.”

“That’s good to hear,” I smiled.

“How about you?”

“It’s good,” I said, awkwardly. “I’ve got my friends, the best job I could ever want, my boyfriend.”

“That was him on the phone then?” Dean asked, directing his eyes down to his knees and scratching the barely noticeable bristles on his chin.

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Wants me to go to lunch with him and his parents tomorrow.”

“Is that what was up before?”

I nodded my head and he laughed, “You don’t like them.”

“It’s not that,” I shrugged. “His dads okay, and his mum can be. She just thinks he’s too good for me.”

“Every blokes mother think that about their girlfriends,” Dean laughed. “Unless they’re really something special.”

“Probably.” I shrugged again and tried to get more comfortable on the couch. I brought my legs up and bent my knee, curling them around my bottom. “How are you and Zara doing?”

Honestly, I didn’t want to ask that because I didn’t want to know about it. But since he was making an effort in asking about Levi a bit, I thought it was only polite to ask him about his girlfriend too. Plus, I didn’t want to keep talking about myself. Dean sat and watched the television for a long time before, before turning back into our conversation.

“We’re good,” he said. “She’s...really sweet.”

“How long you been together?”

He shrugged. “We weren’t really exclusive until about three weeks ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Dean said, shifting uncomfortably. “I’ve known Zara for about four years; we started seeing each other non-exclusively about six months ago.”

“You mean you slept together on and off for six months?”

“It sounds bad when you say it like that,” he said, pulling a face.

I laughed and shrugged. “Anyway, go you for getting exclusive. Zara’s gorgeous.”

“Yeah, I know.”

We went silent again after that. He sat and looked at his knees, or blindly at the television while I sat and looked at him discretely. In that moment, it was okay to look at him in the way that I was. He’d been right, completely right; I’d missed him. I was given six years to forget all about him, and I managed to until I saw his brother’s face again.

“We never really talked about it,” he said, breaking the silence smothering the both of us.

“What?” I knew what he was talking about. Of course I knew what he was talking about. But if I played dumb, he might not push it too much.

“Us. What happened.” Of course, he pushed it.

“No, we didn’t really,” I said, shifting uncomfortable again. Now, I couldn’t even look at him like I was before. He’d know straight away that when I thought about what happened between us, it still stung me. Not as much as it had when I first found out he’d slept with somebody else while he was with me – or near enough – but it was still there, buried somewhere deep in my chest, waiting for a reason to come out and hurt all over again.

“I thought about the last few days before you left every day, for almost eight months.”

“Dean-”

“I was a complete fucking idiot for letting you go like that,” he continued. “I know I fucked it all up and you’ll never believe how sorry I was.”

“Dean, stop, there isn’t anything to talk about,” I said. “In the past, forgive and forget. We’re adults now, we’re both over it and we’re friends.”

“I know.” He pushed his hair out of his eyes. “But I suppose this is closure for us.”

“How do you figure?”

“Six years apart was the time we needed to get over it. Now it’s easy to see you again.”

Is it really, really bad that I felt my chest ache, very slightly but very painfully, when he said ‘this is closure’? I really wished I could say it was easy to see him again, but the truth is that it tore me apart gradually, every time I saw him laughing, or talking or touching Zara. It just reminded me of how we used to be and I missed it. Then I tore myself apart more for thinking that way about him when I had Levi, when I claimed to love Levi.

My feelings for Dean were long since buried. That I knew of, anyway.

*****
I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating against glass. Groggily, I opened my eyes to see the television was still on, along with the lights in the living room and the kitchen. I used my hand to push myself up and felt something a lot firmer than my couch under it. I looked down and saw Dean. He was lying with his mouth open, head tilted to the side as it rested on the arm of the couch. I’d been tucked into his side with his arm draped around my waist.

Attempts to tug myself away were futile, however, because whenever I moved I could feel like arm tightened on my waist. I manoeuvred my arm across his body and stretched it to grab my phone just before it stopped ringing.

“Hello?” I answered sleepily, not bothering to check who it was.

“Hey, Leila.” Only Georgia. “Just to let you know, Jake and me are going to have to stay in a hotel for the night.”

“How come?”

“Storm going on outside, in case you didn’t notice,” she sighed. “And we’re both really tired and can’t be bothered finding a taxi.”

I chuckled quietly. “Okay, just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“No,” she corrected. “I won’t do anything you would do.”

“Shut up, bitch,” I said. I heard her laughter through the phone before she hung up. I dropped my phone onto the floor and collapsed back down onto Dean’s chest. I shouldn’t really have been lying on top of him, but I didn’t really care about that. I didn’t care that his arm shouldn’t be around my waist and he shouldn’t be trying to cuddle me while we slept. If somebody were to walk through the front door now, they’d probably get the wrong idea completely. But, I didn’t care.

I was tired; he was comfortable to sleep on.

“Can you possibly speak on the phone any louder?” Dean croaked, lifting his free arm up to rub his eyes free of sleep. I sat upright quickly after I realised he was awake. He stood off of the couch of stretched his arms high up over his head before asking if he could use the bathroom and disappearing through the door. I walked into the bedroom shortly after he’d gone to the bathroom and checked on Edie. She was still sound asleep in the centre of my bed, curled into a little ball with the duvet tucked tightly around her. I sat on the window ledge and stared into space for a while.

“Any chance I can smoke in this place?” Dean asked, pulling my attention from the bottom corner of the duvet, at which I was staring.

I shook my head. “Filthy habit.”

“Yeah, but it’s an addiction,” he laughed. “Like drugs, and sex.”

“No,” I scoffed. “Sex is not an addiction.”

He nodded his head. “It actually is. Google it.”

I laughed slightly and rolled my eyes. “Fine, smoke out of the window.”

He nodded and left the room, returning less than a minute later with an unlit cigarette between his full lips, and the packet in his hands. I reached up and undid the latch on the window, opening it as wide as it would go without letting any rain – which was still pelting down – inside. He sat beside me on the window ledge and lit his cigarette, leaving the pack lying between us.

He laughed and balanced his wrist on the frame of the window, letting the smoke billow outside. “It feels like I’m a fifteen year old trying to hide the fact that they smoke from their parents.”

“You look like it,” I said. “Just taller and with more facial hair.”

Dean laughed and scratched the small amount of stubble on his chin, making sure to blow the smoke out of the window. “Sorry if it ends up smelling like an ash tray in here.”

I just shrugged my shoulders and turned to look at Edie again. I focussed on the steady rise and fall of her little body as she breathed deeply in her sleep. I suppressed a huge coughing fit when I accidently inhaled the smoke coming from Dean. The window creaked as he leaned back on it, taking another long pull on his cigarette before balancing his wrist on the window frame again, cigarette between his long fingers.

“Do you want some water or something?” I asked, when I felt my mind starting to think too much. Dean nodded his head and I left the room sharpish, slowing down when I got through the door. I moved as slow as I possibly could without seeming mental; running the tap until the water was freezing cold, filling two glasses and letting them sit on the draining board for a good five minutes. Eventually, I picked them up and headed back into my bedroom.

I put both glasses down on the bedside table closest to the window and turned to go sit on the ledge again. Dean had his back to me as he threw the finished cigarette out into the night and started closing the window. I felt my foot catch on a t-shirt I left on the floor and tripped. I closed my eyes tight shut and put my hands in front of me, waiting to hit the wall, the floor; anything.

I didn’t feel either of those though. Dean’s hand curled tightly around my wrist and my eyes snapped open. It felt like my entire arm had been submerged in fire because he was holding my wrist. He hauled me to my feet by my wrist and steadied me by putting his hand on my elbow. His face was dangerously close to mine, and I could feel his breath wash over my eyelids and my nose. We stood and stared at each other for what seemed like years. It was probably the first time we’d even looked each other in the eye since he came back.

The smell of cigarettes infiltrated the moment and brought me back to my senses. I pulled my wrist free and took a step backwards. “I should go to bed.”

He looked as if he was about to protest my decision, but took his own step backwards and nodded. The fire travelling over my body faded almost immediately after I moved away, leaving a light, tickling sensation on my wrist bone. I turned around, feeling Dean’s eyes on me as I left to collect a spare blanket and pillow from the airing cupboard. I set them out of the couch and turned off the television.

“You have my bed,” I said, leaning in the doorway to my room. Dean hadn’t even moved from where I left him, staring at the bed like I had been earlier. He snapped out of his trance when I spoke and quickly shook his head.

“No, it’s your bed,” he said. “Couch is fine with me.”

I didn’t even bother arguing, because he’d win in the end anyway. I nodded my head stiffly and stepped into my room, leaving enough room for him to walk by without brushing against me. He paused when he got to my side and we studied each other in complete silence.

“Night, Leila,” he smiled sadly, breaking the silence. I couldn’t help but return a similar smile to him as I said, “Goodnight.”

I closed the door behind him and slumped against it. I felt like bursting into tears but I didn’t understand why. I hadn’t cried properly for six whole years, why did I suddenly feel like doing it? I wanted to spend some more time with Dean, too, and I didn’t understand why. I was so confused, and I felt so guilty for wanted that with Dean. I felt unfaithful to Levi, but I hadn’t done anything wrong.

What’s going on?