Right Now, I'm Anyone's

I woke up about six hours later – only a guess, the clock on the wall told me that it was around midday. Dean was still sound asleep when I awoke, and I remembered the doctor saying that the more he rested, the quicker he would recover, so I left him to sleep. I did have to talk to him about a lot of important things very soon, but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait for another couple of hours while I had some time to be human. I kissed his left cheek – the only part of his face that I wasn’t scared of hurting – before I carefully picked my weight up off of his bed and tip toed towards the door.

I began to wander around the hospital – first heading back towards the room I had stayed in to see that the bed was stripped down, waiting for another patient – and eventually just stopped a nurse and asked her politely if she’d seen either Jake or Georgia. I made sure I described Jake as he was the more distinctive of the two because of the ears and she told me she’d seen him sitting in the cafeteria with a young red headed girl – Georgia. I smiled and thanked her before I rushed to the nearest lift to the top floor, where the cafeteria was located. I followed the signs that lead me down several different corridors before opening out into the cafeteria. I looked around the crowded room quickly from where I stood at the doors.

I spotted Georgia’s auburn hair – pulled back into a loose ponytail as usual – near right corner, opposite to where I stood. I started to make my way over to where she sat with Jake, with my bag lying on the floor by her feet – I had forgotten about that. Jake was the first to see me as I walked towards them, keeping his eyes trained wearily on me as I made my way over to them slowly, feeling my nerves start to appear. I felt exhausted all over again, thinking about the sheer amount of explaining I had to do, even after this conversation was finished.

“Where’s Johnny got to?” I asked, taking a seat opposite the couple. Georgia jolted slightly and lifted her head up from where it lay on the table, giving me a little tired smile. She started playing with Jake’s fingers where their hands lay, laced together on the table in front of them. I never actually realised how jealous I was of them until that moment. I was sure that they were beginning to love each other, and it winded me a bit when I realised how easy it was for them. They didn’t have to lie to be together, they didn’t have to keep secrets from me or anybody else, and they didn’t have to hurt anybody to get who they wanted.

“He’s gone to Flux to explain to boss-man why we won’t be playing his show next week,” Jake said, yawning slightly as he dropped his chin into his palm to hold his head up. “We’re going to leave here soon as well, just to go and get ourselves cleaned up and everything; I said I’d ring Dean’s parents too.”

“Right,” I said, nodding my head – I’d forgotten about Dorothy and Charles as well. “You said you wanted to talk to me earlier.”

“We both do, now you mention it,” Georgia said, chipping in while she kept her smile directed at me. “My talk can wait until everybody’s been washed, fed and rested. I just want you to know now that I’m not angry at you, not compared to when I found out.”

I nodded my head, returning her smile with a weak one of my own as her free hand moved across the table top to loosely take hold of my own. I turned to look at Jake when I noticed his silence, and eventually he spoke up, “I’m not going to lie and say everything’s okay between me and you Leila; what you did has really messed my cousin up. I blame Dean more than I blame you, though.”

“Jake, why? We both deserve blame.”

He laughed and shook his head at me. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you used to act when you first met him. I admit, I know you better now than I did then, but you weren’t good at hiding things.”-I felt myself blush a violent shade of red there-“And you don’t think he wouldn’t have spoken to his best friend about the first girl he fell in love with? He used to boast loads at first, about how he could get you to do what he wanted, but then he stopped talking about that and started talking about you.”

“Jake,” I said, feeling more relieved than I had in days – he wasn’t being as nasty as I knew he was capable of being. “I’m sorry that I lied to you – and you, Georgia. I regret doing such a shitty thing to Zara, but I don’t regret what’s happened between me and Dean; I-I love him”-I smiled when I said that-“and I’m pretty sure he loves me too.”

“We weren’t going to ask you to stop loving him!” Georgia said, laughing harder than was necessary – I think she was a bit tired. “We’re just asking you not to keep stupid secrets from us. You know if you’d have come to me when it started and told me what was happening, I would’ve tried to help you as much as I could.”

I nodded my head again and murmured a quiet ‘I know’ before Jake piped up again. “Even though he’s fucked around with my cousin, and she’s one of my best friends, I can’t be angry about it anymore. When Johnny told me he had to go to the hospital because Dean was hit by that car, I felt sick that my friend might die thinking that I hated him. I couldn’t have that on my conscience, so I’m letting it go. I can’t say a lot for Zara, though.”

“I understand if she isn’t my biggest fan right now, I really do,” I sighed, feeling Georgia’s hand tighten around my own. “Just tell her that I’m sorry for how everything worked out and that I helped him hurt her like that.”

Jake just nodded his head at me, and it seemed like the serious conversation was over. He, Georgia and I sat in silence, listening to the nurses, doctors and patients around us as they enjoyed their food for a couple of minutes, before our idle chat started up effortlessly. It almost felt like everything was normal again, and everybody was happy with their lives and there was no drama surrounding. I know I was happy with where I was, but I was still nervous about the last explanation I had to give before anything could be normal again. It was going to be awkward and it was going to be difficult and I was dreading it, yet yearning for it at the same time. Fucking hormones.

“I take it that Georgia’s told you that I’m pregnant,” I said, once another of our conversations had lapsed into a final silence. Jake raised his eyebrows at me and his jaw dropped in disbelief. Georgia took her hand away from mine and smacked it to her forehead, before looking at me through her fingers and rolling her eyes at me. I bit my lip and tried to stop myself from laughing at Jake’s face, while she removed her hand and patted his arm lightly, trying to get him to zone back in.

“Well done on blowing yourself up there,” Georgia said, laughing as Jake started recomposing himself. “You didn’t want me to tell anybody, so I didn’t, idiot.”

“Oh, well, shit,” I said, laughing as I leaned forward to hold my head up with my hands, my elbows resting on the edge of the table before me. “I don’t really mind telling people now. Just don’t mention it to anyone else before I talk to Dean about it, okay?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jake said before Georgia could respond to my request. “You’re pregnant, and it’s Dean’s baby?”

“There’s a possibility,” I said, biting my lip lightly as I avoided Jake’s intent stare. “I’m just over fourteen weeks gone, which works out that I got pregnant at the end of October. That was the first time Dean and I slept with each other.”

“Did you not use protection or anything?”

I bit down on my lip lightly and quickly shook my head. Jake and Georgia both gave me looks of disapproval, making me cringe – it made it feel like they were my parents or something. I said, “What? You don’t know how drunk we were that night.”

“You could’ve caught something though!” Georgia said, still determined to scold me.

Jake laughed and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Dean gets checked for everything every six months so he’ll be on the safe side.”

“Yeah, but still!” Georgia said, her voice wavering slightly. “She didn’t know that at the time, and imagine it wasn’t Dean, it was somebody else!”

“Georgia,” I laughed, shaking my head at her. “Stop worrying; he’s clean, I’m clean, it was Dean, not somebody else that I didn’t know.”

She just sighed and narrowed her eyes at me, and I took the silence as an opportunity to look around the cafeteria. It was almost empty by that point, and the clock on the wall said that it was after one in the afternoon, meaning that Jake, Georgia and I had been sitting there for over an hour. Georgia yawned, leaning over so that her head rested back on Jake’s shoulder, while he stretched before wrapping his arm tight around her shoulders. I yawned as well, even though I had only woken up about an hour or so before – being pregnant takes it out of you, I suppose.

“Do you two want to go home for a while?” Jake asked, refraining from chuckling as Georgia’s head drooped for a moment. “Get some sleep, wash up, relax, whatever you need?”

I nodded my head. “That sounds like a good idea, but I don’t want to leave while he’s still asleep.”

“Okay,” Jake smiled, tucking a strand of Georgia’s hair behind her ear. “It’s not a good idea to wake him up, so you may as well just get a taxi with me and Gee, get yourself cleaned up and in some fresh clothes, then come back later, before visiting hours are over.”

“What time do they finish?” I asked, biting my lip lightly as I subconsciously looked over at the clock again – I was anxious about missing them.

“I think they finish around eight,” Jake said, tilting his head from left to right to try and get the stiffness out, making sure not to jostle Georgia as she began to fall asleep in his arms. “We’ll ask at reception. Maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll let you stay with him a bit longer.”

“That’s great,” I said, sighing in defeat – even though Jake was being kind about it, I knew he was going to insist that I go home with them before I could see Dean again. “A hot shower doesn’t sound too terrible right now.”

*****

I sighed lightly, feeling the tense muscles in my neck and my shoulders relax as I washed the last of the shampoo away from my hair, before starting on washing my body. It felt like I hadn’t been home in days, when it was less than twenty-four hours. Dimitri started flapping around like a mother hen when Georgia, Jake and I showed up about half an hour earlier; he asked what had happened and if everything was alright. Georgia ignored his questions and walked straight to her bedroom, while Jake told me he’d take care of it and I could go and do what I needed.

I could hear them talking in the living room as I walked along the hallway to get myself some towels – Jake kept his voice calm and Dimitri didn’t seem too alarmed about anything. I saw Dimitri give me a small smile as I walked past the doorway on my way to the bathroom. I knew they were waiting until I wasn’t around so they could talk about Dean and me, but I didn’t really care or want to hear what they said. Everybody that needed to know about it knows, so it shouldn’t even have been a big deal anymore – not to anybody but me and Dean. I was close to tears halfway through washing my body because I scared myself into thinking that Levi would try and take some kind of revenge; that he’d try to hurt Dean. I knew that he wouldn’t, because he wasn’t the kind of person to act like that. But that didn’t stop the idea from spinning around in my head until I felt sick.

I knew that there was a chance he hated me, but I couldn’t have expected anything more or less than that.

“Leila!” Dimitri shouted through the door, staying out in the landing to give me some privacy – his voice was muffled by the wooden door and the sound of the running water. “Hurry up, phone call for you!”

My heart stuttered a little bit – like it was going to fail – when I realised that it could only have been two people. I quickly washed my body off, getting rid of all of the soap covering me, before I jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body, leaving my hair to drip down my neck and back. I pulled the unlocked bathroom door open to see Dimitri standing there with my phone in his hand, already answered and waiting for me. I took it from him, saying a quick thank you, before I stepped back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me.

“Hello?”

“Leila.” I sighed in relief when I realised it was Dean on the other end of the phone. “Where’d you go? Is everything okay?”

I sighed again and smiled softly to myself. “Hi, yeah, everything’s fine, I promise”-I paused for a moment, sitting down on the toilet seat and crossing my right leg over my left-“I’m at home now.”

“Oh,” he said, his tone dropping slightly – with disappointment? “Why didn’t you wake me up? I wanted to say goodbye.”

“You need your rest, that’s why I didn’t wake you up.” I suppressed a chuckle and kept to smiling, though he couldn’t see. “Plus, you look cute when you’re asleep.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “Apart from the massive graze on my face, the black eye and the various bandages. Are you coming back to see me? I need to speak to you properly; we haven’t really had the chance yet.”

“I know we haven’t,” I answered, leaning against the bathroom wall. “I’ll be back in about half an hour, I just have to get dressed”-I faltered, biting my lip-“I-I have something I want to speak to you about, too.”

“It’s not bad is it?” he laughed. “On top of this, more bad news might be hell.”

“I don’t think it’s bad,” I said softly, listening to his steady breathing for a couple of minutes. “I won’t be long.”

“Okay, good.” He took a pause of his own for another couple of seconds. “I love you, by the way.”

I wondered for about half a second how to respond, before saying, “I love you, too.”

The smile around his words could practically be heard through the phone as he said goodbye to me, and it made me smile and feel like things were actually going okay for now. Well, apart from the fact that he was in hospital. I hung up my phone and stayed sitting on the toilet seat for a moment longer, smiling like some stupid, sappy, love-struck teenager, until I remembered that I said I’d only be half an hour.

Quickly, I rushed from the bathroom to my bedroom – of course, trying to make as little noise as possible, since Georgia was asleep already. I looked around the chest of drawers for some clean clothes, settling on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, my grey, skinny-fit Unknown Pleasures t-shirt and a pair of black flats. I flung my grey hoody and my leather jacket on over the top, finding my hat and scarf crumpled underneath my bed. Dimitri started shouting at me to hurry up as I was throwing the used clothes out of my bag and onto my bed to make room for some clean ones – I was being optimistic that the hospital would let me stay with Dean overnight.

“I’ll be literally, two minutes!” I called back, throwing Dean’s striped vest that he’d given me after Halloween into my bag, followed by my black leggings with stirrups on the feet to hold them in place. Dimitri nudged open my bedroom door and leaned against the frame, jangling his keys on his index finger and tapping his toe as he watched me rush around my room. Once I was certain I had everything I needed – clean clothes, hair brush, deodorant and some make-up – I turned and walked over to where Dimitri was. He smiled at me and rolled his eyes, before walking towards the front door with me in tow.

Once we were in Dimitri’s car, I fidgeting non-stop and I knew it was getting on his nerves. He kept it to himself, though, and just continued to drive through the streets, just about keeping to the speed limit – my anxiety made him nervous. About halfway to the hospital, at about half past three in the afternoon, my phone started ringing from the pocket of my jeans. I pulled it out swiftly, wondering if it would be Dean, calling again to see where I was. It wasn’t; in fact, I didn’t even recognise the number, it didn’t even look like a number from the UK.

“Hello?” I answered, hearing the confusion that coloured my tone.

“Hey, is that Leila?” the person on the other end of the phone said, not allowing me to reply before he went on. “This is Joel Carriere from Dine Alone Records. You’re on a conference call with George, Dallas, Wade, Jordan, Chris and I.”

“W-What?” I said, momentarily confused before I heard Dallas Green chuckle and say hello to me. “Oh, yeah! I wasn’t expecting you to call – hi!”

“Hey, Leila,” George said. “How’ve you been since we left?”

I cringed slightly and decided I’d keep it nice and simple – they didn’t need to know the nitty-gritty details, did they? “I’ve been okay, honestly. What about you guys?”

I glanced sideways at Dimitri, seeing him giving me a confused look in between looking at the road in front of him, as Dallas responded. “We’ve been good. Sorry it took so long for us to call you, we meant to do it sooner but Joel here was a little busy with other stuff.”

I laughed. “It’s no problem.”

“So,” Joel had laughed and started speaking again. “Apologies aside, we’re calling because of those designs you did for Alexis a couple of months back. Wade and Dallas showed me them and I have to admit, they’re pretty good”-he paused for a moment to breathe and I couldn’t help but notice how fast he spoke, considering he was Canadian too-“The guys and I would like to tell you that we want to use them – all three of them – for merch on the upcoming tour. We’d like to discuss payment and credits for it today.”

“O-Oh,” I said, stunned at the amount of information Joel had just pushed onto me. “W-Well...um. This really isn’t a good time, do you think we could arrange another day you could call me and we can talk about it then?”

“Yeah, that’d be no problem,” he asked. “But it’d have to be pretty soon; we wanna get these designs printed up quick. How does next Wednesday, same time as today sound?”

“I’ll look out for your call,” I said, feeling my mouth pull up at the corners in my happiness. “Thank you, I’ll talk to you then. Bye, guys!”

There was a chorus of goodbye’s from Alexisonfire and Joel, before they hung up the phone and Dimitri pulled into the hospital car park, putting the handbrake on after he stopped the car to stop it from rolling back. I stared straight ahead of me, in complete awe, while I could feel Dimitri’s eyes on my face, his face fixed in confusion. My smile grew after a couple of minutes, and I turned to look at him. He returned my smile and raised his eyebrows.

“What was that all about?” he asked, reaching to open his car door. I did the same, remembering where we were and why we were there. I slammed the car door shut behind me, hitching my bag up onto my shoulder and walking around to the other side of the car to stand beside my friend. He raised his eyebrows at me expectantly and I just shrugged my shoulders.

“I’ll tell you later on,” I said, as we both began to walk towards the sliding doors of the hospital’s entrance.