Dichotomy.
Stop Stalling
“So you’re coming to the party, right?” Haley asks, as I follow her through the store while she browses clothes.
“I don’t know yet,” I honestly reply.
“It’ll be fun,” she says. “Besides, maybe you and Brendon will finally-”
She says something after that that just doesn’t process in my brain, because she can’t have said what I think she said.
“Sorry?” I must have misinterpreted everything she said after “Brendon.”
“Oh, come on. Is this the fifth grade? I see the way he looks at you.”
“Doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend,” I reply immediately.
“You do?” she asks, now all the more interested.
“Yeah,” I reply, inwardly grimacing.
“What’s his name?”
“Eric,” I nearly gag.
I don’t mention to her that I’m planning on getting rid of him as soon as I can bring myself to do it.
I don’t know why I haven’t done it yet.
It’s not like the sex is amazing or anything.
It’s not like anything about Eric is amazing.
But nothing about me is that great either, so who am I to say?
Maybe I just keep thinking that I can force myself to feel something real for anyone.
Trying to force the feelings I used to have for him, the ones that were strong enough to doom our band, try to force them to return, so that something in my life can go right for once.
Maybe I should just give up completely.
“Besides, I hate him,” I say candidly.
She raises an eyebrow.
“Are we still talking about Eric, now?”
“Yes,” I reply absently, still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. She frowns, confused. “I mean, no.”
What was the question?
“Brendon. I hate Brendon,” I remind myself, still confused.
“Uh-huh…” she trails off, not convinced.
The truth is…I’m not so convinced myself about anything anymore.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I feed Rigby and take him for a short walk when I get home fully prepared for some time alone, when sure enough, I get a text from Eric.
He wants to know what I’m doing tonight.
Apparently going through the motions of a relationship that was doomed since before it started, is what I want to say.
I haven’t told him about the party, and I don’t plan on it.
He wants to go out but I want to stay in. (what else is new?)
I agree to let him come over, even though I’m sure just the sight of him will make me nauseas.
“I’ve been working on some demos,” he says as soon as he walks in.
“Oh?” I reply, but he doesn’t catch the subtleties of the disinterest and sardonic tones in my voice.
“Yeah. Want to hear?”
No.
But I let him put them on.
“What do you think?”
They’re good, but nothing to write home about.
“I…”
I could write better chord progressions and solos for these demos in 5 minutes, tops.
“We’re going on tour soon,” he says.
“Oh?” I reply blandly.
“Yeah. Finally found a drummer, so we’re pretty much set.”
We’re done.
Two simple words. Technically three, if you’re picky.
We. Are. Done.
I wait for the words to come out of my mouth of their own accord as he babbles on and on and on about tour and his new band I don’t give a shit about.
Rewind to when I could actually go through with the things I wanted to do.
I really, truly, hate myself.
“I don’t know yet,” I honestly reply.
“It’ll be fun,” she says. “Besides, maybe you and Brendon will finally-”
She says something after that that just doesn’t process in my brain, because she can’t have said what I think she said.
“Sorry?” I must have misinterpreted everything she said after “Brendon.”
“Oh, come on. Is this the fifth grade? I see the way he looks at you.”
“Doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend,” I reply immediately.
“You do?” she asks, now all the more interested.
“Yeah,” I reply, inwardly grimacing.
“What’s his name?”
“Eric,” I nearly gag.
I don’t mention to her that I’m planning on getting rid of him as soon as I can bring myself to do it.
I don’t know why I haven’t done it yet.
It’s not like the sex is amazing or anything.
It’s not like anything about Eric is amazing.
But nothing about me is that great either, so who am I to say?
Maybe I just keep thinking that I can force myself to feel something real for anyone.
Trying to force the feelings I used to have for him, the ones that were strong enough to doom our band, try to force them to return, so that something in my life can go right for once.
Maybe I should just give up completely.
“Besides, I hate him,” I say candidly.
She raises an eyebrow.
“Are we still talking about Eric, now?”
“Yes,” I reply absently, still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. She frowns, confused. “I mean, no.”
What was the question?
“Brendon. I hate Brendon,” I remind myself, still confused.
“Uh-huh…” she trails off, not convinced.
The truth is…I’m not so convinced myself about anything anymore.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I feed Rigby and take him for a short walk when I get home fully prepared for some time alone, when sure enough, I get a text from Eric.
He wants to know what I’m doing tonight.
Apparently going through the motions of a relationship that was doomed since before it started, is what I want to say.
I haven’t told him about the party, and I don’t plan on it.
He wants to go out but I want to stay in. (what else is new?)
I agree to let him come over, even though I’m sure just the sight of him will make me nauseas.
“I’ve been working on some demos,” he says as soon as he walks in.
“Oh?” I reply, but he doesn’t catch the subtleties of the disinterest and sardonic tones in my voice.
“Yeah. Want to hear?”
No.
But I let him put them on.
“What do you think?”
They’re good, but nothing to write home about.
“I…”
I could write better chord progressions and solos for these demos in 5 minutes, tops.
“We’re going on tour soon,” he says.
“Oh?” I reply blandly.
“Yeah. Finally found a drummer, so we’re pretty much set.”
We’re done.
Two simple words. Technically three, if you’re picky.
We. Are. Done.
I wait for the words to come out of my mouth of their own accord as he babbles on and on and on about tour and his new band I don’t give a shit about.
Rewind to when I could actually go through with the things I wanted to do.
I really, truly, hate myself.
♠ ♠ ♠
THANKS: PsychoBarbie, Much Better, & yeahthatsme93.As usual, sorry its been forever, all I've got are the usual excuses. But I've never abandoned a story yet, so I will continue to update when I can.
I do have a few newer stories if you're interested: Mary Without Sound: I don't know how to explain that one, really, but check out the description, if you feel like it.
And: Constant Companions Which is a collaboration between me and 3 other authors which involve a wedding and 3 exes and in which my character is the a bitter ex-wife, which is fun for me. These two are technically Motion City Soundtrack fics, but you really don't have to know anything about MCS or even like them to read it.