Dichotomy.

“It’s cruel, is what it is,” Spencer says.

I roll my eyes, and they notice.

“Just lay off already, Spence,” Haley defends me, hitting his arm, more amused by the situation if anything else. “Brendon’s a grown up. He can do what he wants.”

“I’m just saying-” he interrupts.

I don’t hear what my bandmate was ‘just saying.’

Instead, I tune him out, glancing around for our waiter – I want that beer I ordered ten minutes ago.

My plate of sushi’s clean, but Spencer’s still working on his, and Haley has a few bites left.

I want to tell him that if he’d stop lecturing me for a few Goddamn minutes, maybe he’d make some progress on his dinner and hopefully we’d make it to dessert by morning.

“Do you even love her?” Spencer challenges. I glance at him, zoning back in.

“I’ve been with her for six months,” I say, as if that should answer the question.

He scoffs, but Haley nudges him severely in the ribs with her elbow and he stops.

But he has a point.

Six months is almost nothing in our lifestyle.

What with our being off and on the road at haphazardly random times all year round, it doesn’t leave much time for bonding or starting new relationships.

I won’t lie.

I like that someone’s here waiting for me.

Is it really a crime that I want to hold on to someone until the girl I can actually care about long term comes along?

She’d come up in conversation because Haley wanted a double date tonight, I’d made some excuse why Kellie couldn’t come.

The truth is I didn’t even bother to invite her.

Partly because I don’t want her getting too attached to my friends.

But is it really so bad that I’m with her just to pass the time?

Spencer’s lips are moving, so I grunt noncommittally in response. Haley sighs in disinterest, playing with the straw of her iced tea as she waits for her boyfriend to stop telling me what to do.

“I don’t know how you can keep telling her you love her if you don’t even feel it. You might as well just break it off already.”

I open my mouth to protest, although he’s not far off mark.

The truth is the term love is so diluted and superficial in our generation.

It’s just a word.

Just like hate.

Shallow terms with no real meaning half the time.

The truth is I love the idea of Kellie.

I love that there’s someone waiting for me after tour or travelling – someone that’s waiting to just be with me when I’m not playing rockstar.

But I’d never admit that to the two of them.

They’d call me a bastard or douchebag and then I’d start to actually feel guilty.

But then again, I guess I’d actually be feeling something, in that case.

I don’t answer, and he senses that he’s exhausted the conversation for another week at least.

“Have you thought about it yet?” he asks, instead. Haley perks up at the change of subject.

I know exactly what he’s talking about.

“Thought about what?” I purposely play dumb, because I haven’t wanted to think about it.

“You’re fucking impossible, Bren,” he sighs in exasperation.

“Are we getting dessert?” I ask innocently enough, reaching for the menu and glancing around for our missing waiter again.

He never brought me my beer.