I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
.11.
It's about nine o'clock, and we're setting up for the party, or rather putting out all the alchohol in easy-to-reach places. Gerard was so sweet to me today, he bought me stuff and hugged me a lot and kissed me when he thought nobody was watching.
Ray and Bob were sufficiently nauseated, but they had a good time teasing Mikey when he said he thought we were cute.
oh, The people are starting to show up now-they're all friends of Ray and Bob from other schools, so there's not much to do except for cuddle with Gerard and watch every girl in the place try to pick up a completely oblivious Mikey.
Gerard is getting more and more wasted as the night progresses, until finally he's lost coherency.
I don't do well alone in big social situations, so when he lurches up to go mosh or whatever it is they're doing out there, I fall asleep on the couch.
When I get up, Gerard is nowhere to be found.
Figuring he's gone up to Ray's bathroom to puke, I weave through the dance floor up to the stairs.
Someone shoves a beer in my hand, and I look at it, vaguely disgusted.
I climb up the stairs and follow a hardwood corridor, randomly opening doors.
I come across a skeletal girl with hair in her face shoving her tongue down the throat of a hapless but apparently not unwilling Mikey, some kids shooting up, and two humans of undiscernable origin making out.
Finally, there's only one door left, presumably Ray's room. I open the door, to find Gerard on Ray's bed with El Masterson from art class.
She's on top of him, her hands fisted in his hair as she kisses him. He's arching into her and groaning.
The beer bottle slips from my fingers and crashes on the floor, and then I turn and run.
As I leave, I hear muffled souds and Gerard muttering profanities.
I vault down the stairs, push my way through the dance floor, and run outside.
As the bitingly cold air hits my face, so does the full realization of what just happened.
My vision goes blurry, and I fall hard on the concrete.
The next thing I know, the skinny girl who was kissing Mikey is trying to help me up. I stumble to my feet and look at her with extreme hate until she scurries away.
I hate girls.
She leaves a wake of cigarrete smoke behind her, and I suck it in hard before making my pathetic way back home.
By some miracle, I actually get back to my house and up to my room. I hide under my blankets and attempt to battle the onslaught of misery I'm experiencing.
It's like every single bit of the loneliness, unhappiness, and self-loathing that Gerard had kept at bay has come crashing back down on me.
It's like being with him was a dream, and I'm just now waking up.
It's like he's finally figured out that I was never good enough for him.
And once again I am left alone with myself.
I don't listen to music, or throw things, or go into hysterics.
There's this awful calm inside of me, and all I can do is stare at the ceiling, tears running down my face.
The night fades into early morning. It's Monday, but the thought of going to school never even crosses my mind.
I just lie there, with nothing to do but make myself bleed.
I can cut myself, see, and nothing happens. It's just corn syrup and food colouring. It's not even mine.
The sheets around me are stained, and there's a stink of blood in the air, and I'm drowning in pain.
Then, the door opens. There's pounding on the stairs, and Mikey comes cautiously into my room.
He, of course, reminds me of Gerard, and then it's pain all over again.
He stares at me in horror, and I dimly register how disgusting I must look, barely clinging to consciousness and leaking blood from multiple orifices.
The next thing I know, his skinny arms are wrapped around me tight and he's crying a little, I can feel it.
That's all it takes for me to cling to the fabric of his shirt like an infant, sobbing like my heart will break, only it's already broken.
--
My gaawsh.
</3
Ray and Bob were sufficiently nauseated, but they had a good time teasing Mikey when he said he thought we were cute.
oh, The people are starting to show up now-they're all friends of Ray and Bob from other schools, so there's not much to do except for cuddle with Gerard and watch every girl in the place try to pick up a completely oblivious Mikey.
Gerard is getting more and more wasted as the night progresses, until finally he's lost coherency.
I don't do well alone in big social situations, so when he lurches up to go mosh or whatever it is they're doing out there, I fall asleep on the couch.
When I get up, Gerard is nowhere to be found.
Figuring he's gone up to Ray's bathroom to puke, I weave through the dance floor up to the stairs.
Someone shoves a beer in my hand, and I look at it, vaguely disgusted.
I climb up the stairs and follow a hardwood corridor, randomly opening doors.
I come across a skeletal girl with hair in her face shoving her tongue down the throat of a hapless but apparently not unwilling Mikey, some kids shooting up, and two humans of undiscernable origin making out.
Finally, there's only one door left, presumably Ray's room. I open the door, to find Gerard on Ray's bed with El Masterson from art class.
She's on top of him, her hands fisted in his hair as she kisses him. He's arching into her and groaning.
The beer bottle slips from my fingers and crashes on the floor, and then I turn and run.
As I leave, I hear muffled souds and Gerard muttering profanities.
I vault down the stairs, push my way through the dance floor, and run outside.
As the bitingly cold air hits my face, so does the full realization of what just happened.
My vision goes blurry, and I fall hard on the concrete.
The next thing I know, the skinny girl who was kissing Mikey is trying to help me up. I stumble to my feet and look at her with extreme hate until she scurries away.
I hate girls.
She leaves a wake of cigarrete smoke behind her, and I suck it in hard before making my pathetic way back home.
By some miracle, I actually get back to my house and up to my room. I hide under my blankets and attempt to battle the onslaught of misery I'm experiencing.
It's like every single bit of the loneliness, unhappiness, and self-loathing that Gerard had kept at bay has come crashing back down on me.
It's like being with him was a dream, and I'm just now waking up.
It's like he's finally figured out that I was never good enough for him.
And once again I am left alone with myself.
I don't listen to music, or throw things, or go into hysterics.
There's this awful calm inside of me, and all I can do is stare at the ceiling, tears running down my face.
The night fades into early morning. It's Monday, but the thought of going to school never even crosses my mind.
I just lie there, with nothing to do but make myself bleed.
I can cut myself, see, and nothing happens. It's just corn syrup and food colouring. It's not even mine.
The sheets around me are stained, and there's a stink of blood in the air, and I'm drowning in pain.
Then, the door opens. There's pounding on the stairs, and Mikey comes cautiously into my room.
He, of course, reminds me of Gerard, and then it's pain all over again.
He stares at me in horror, and I dimly register how disgusting I must look, barely clinging to consciousness and leaking blood from multiple orifices.
The next thing I know, his skinny arms are wrapped around me tight and he's crying a little, I can feel it.
That's all it takes for me to cling to the fabric of his shirt like an infant, sobbing like my heart will break, only it's already broken.
--
My gaawsh.
</3