I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

After we both calm down somewhat, me and Mikey flop down next to each other on my bed.
I cling to him instinctively, but he doesn't feel like Gerard. My eyes well up again.
"I brought you some biscotti. And cigarettes." Mikey says timidly.
When he mentions food, I feel the slow, acidic burn of hunger that's been inside me all this time. I grab the tin from his hand(it's decorated with dancing gingerbread men), and inhale roughly half of them. Afterwards, we light up. My room now smells of blood, despair, jizz, and smoke.
"Gerard's really sorry," Mikey ventures.
"I don't care. I don't love him anymore," I say with a superhuman effort. It's laughably unconvincing.
"Yes you do."
"So? He obviously doesn't want me, or he wouldn't have been making out with a girl. Am I really that interchangeable?"
"He told me to tell you she jumped on him and he barfed in her mouth."
"It didn't look like he hated it. He was moaning, and stuff."
"I expect that was him getting ready to puke."
A tiny part of me flares up with hope, but I don't let it show.
"Well then I've done all this for nothing," I say hollowly, gesturing to my cut-up wrists. Mikey looks horrified, but I'm used to it by now. It's practically nothing. He bandages me up, anyway.
"You really love each other, huh?"
Mikey asks, looking up at me.
"Yeah," I whisper.
He nods, and we go quiet for a few moments. Gradually, the hope is building inside me.
"So," I say, trying to lighten the mood.
"Who was that skinny girl you were with?"
"The one you scared out of her fucking mind, you mean?"
"Yeah, her." I actually manage a laugh.
"That's Alicia." He gets a faraway look in his eyes.
"Are you gonna marry her?" I tease him like a second grader. He gets an equally childish look in his eyes.
"Yeah right. I'm gonna marry you. And Gerard, and Ray, and Bob. We can all marry each other.
The visual sets me off, and for the rest of the day we just sit around talking. I realize he has actually cheered me up. Once night comes I beg him to stay, fearing the depression will come back if he leaves.
It's around midnight, and Mikey is introducing me to the joys of Cartoon Network, when there's a noise outside my window. Mikey gets up to go check what it is, while I stay glued to The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. From the corner of my eye, I notice him frantically signaling to someone outside. He turns to me.
"There's someone down there for you."
I peer out of the window, heart pounding. I'm lightheaded with hope, and sure enough, there he is.
He's on the driveway outside my window, yelling. No, wait, he's singing. He has a startlingly alluring, skinny-boy punk voice,and he's belting out something at the top of his lungs. I lean down, trying to catch the lyrics.
"But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold.."
I don't recognize the song, but it's beautiful. My eyes involuntarily fill with tears yet again. I wait until he's finshed, captivated. Then I lean out of the window and address him for the first time.
"You know, most people bring a radio."
He grins.
"That wasn't an option. Can I come up?"
I turn to Mikey. He whispers that he'll go out the back, and disappears. Then, I go downstairs and let Gerard in the house. It's strange to see him up close, and all of a sudden I'm dreading talking about this more than anything.
"Why couldn't you bring a radio?"
I ask instead. He smiles shyly.
"I wrote the song myself, there's nothing but words."
And my overproductive tear ducts are at work again.
"Don't cry," Gerard says helplessly.
"Sorry," I sniff.
He moves forward slowly, like I'm a wild animal, and all of a sudden he's holding me again.
And I'm crying harder than ever, but that's okay because he is too, and telling me he's sorry.
After a while, I pull back and regard him.
"I probably shouldn't give in so easily."
He shakes his head.
"I really am sorry."
I feel myself smiling.
"Did you really puke in her mouth?"
"Yeah. It was pretty amazing actually, how fast she got away from me after that."
I laugh, and pull him up to my bedroom.
"You're staying the night, right?"
"Apparently."
He tries to be polite, but I can see him wrinkling his nose at the smell once we get in my room. Embarrassed, I open a couple of windows.
When I turn around, Gerard is stripping off his shirt and pants. I blush violently at the sight of him shirtless and with his pants halfway there. He grins sheepishly.
"Sorry. I'll finish in the bathroom."
He leaves the door ajar, and I resist the urge to press my face up against the crack to see..more of him. I take off my own clothes and hurry self-consciously to get under the covers. Once Gerard gets out of the bathroom, all that's visible of my is the red-dyed top of my head. He laughs and climbs in next to me. Giddy with the thought of touching him, I wrap my arms and legs around him, monkey style, and press my face into his bare chest.
"I love you," he mumbles into my hair.
I lean up to his face uncertainly, my face hovering a few inches from his own. With a small sigh, he slowly closes the space between us, kissing me in a way that El Masterson never got(I hope). He runs his fingertips up and down my sides, and I shiver uncontrollably. He laughs and kisses both my cheeks before continuing down to my neck, softly licking and biting the skin. I never really understood why people groaned in the middle of stuff like this.
Now I do.
He kisses along my collarbone and then down my chest. The further he progresses, the more sensitive my skin becomes, until he's at a nipple. He sucks it gently, and I gasp, arching upward. Another thing I didn't understand until now. Unfazed, he continues lower, to the waistband of my boxers. He uses two fingers to tug them down a few inches and licks at the exposed skin.
More moaning, and louder.
My own hand finds the crotch of his boxers and rubs hard. He makes a rawr-type sound and grins, slowly pulling mine lower, kissing each bit of newly exposed skin. Finally, there's no getting around it. He eases them fully off, and then sits back and just looks at me. I blush and squirm feeling..naked.
He grins and leans down again, resting his chin gently on my hipbones and looking up at me.
"Are you sure you want this?"
"Yes."
"I've never done this before."
"I won't know the difference. Now shut up and blow me."
He laughs again and slowly brings the head into his mouth. This alone is nearly too much for my inexperienced young self. Perhaps figuring out I won't last long either way, Gerard takes me in his mouth entirely.
Fireworks go off in my brain as I fist my hands in his hair and thrust into him with abandon.
Why have I never done this before?
It's over soon, of course, but mindblowing all the same. I come holding his hair tightly, as I ride out the waves of pleasure, my grip slowly loosens. I ease myself out of his mouth and brush his sweaty hair out of his face. He gives me a grin and a slow kiss. I can taste my jizz on his tongue, which is weird but kind of okay. As I curl up against him and drift off into sleep, exhausted, I hear him mumbling to himself.
"Gerard Way, you are suck a lucky bastard.."
Smiling widely, I settle in closer to him and slip into unconsciousness.