I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
.o6.
How could she do this to us?
The string of words run across my mind over and over until they begin to lose their meaning. I feel weird, like one moment I'm completely numb, and the next I'm feeling too much.
How could she do this to us?
I don't realize I was saying the words out loud until I'm yelling them so loud passing people are staring. My vision is blurred with tears, and I stumble blindly alongside Frank until he props me up against a lightpole and leans against it as well, panting. He's considerably smaller than me-it must've taken a lot of effort to get me even a short distance. Gradually, the tears dry on my face, and Frank produces a Kleenex from his pocket for me to blow my nose on.
"I'm sorry Gerard. This was my fault."
I shook my head violently. The last thing I need is for him to start beating himself up over what happened.
"No, it's okay. I-it's better for us not to live with her. She was hardly ever home. Mikey..was pretty badly depressed for a while because of her. It's better like this, really."
I realize I'm talking about her like she's dead. In a way, to me, she is. After the initial shock it's easier than I thought it would be to accept. She never really loved us anyway.
"D'you have a place to stay?"
"I have an aunt who lives a couple miles from here, she'll let us stay for a while."
Frank nods.
"I should probably track down Mikey," I say, turning away.
"Gerard..wait.."
I turn around, and Frank's fingers are threading through my hair, and he's standing on tiptoes, and then he's kissing me.
Without thinking twice, I pull him close to me, holding him as tight as I can. His thumb is tracing my jawline, and although his touch is warm, I'm shivering.
Eventually, we break it off and stare at each other. I'm sure that there are little hearts floating above my head as I stare at him. He must see them too, because he giggles and takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.
And suddenly, I feel like everything is okay again.
For a while.
--
Not long after I left Frankie at the front of his house, I tracked down Mikey. He was hiding out at a park, feeding birds and looking for all the world like a morose male bag lady. I managed to convince him to come with me to our aunt's, and we snuck back into our now-former home to take some clothes and other stuff.
Aunt Kathryn was very hospitable, she gave us a room to share and told us we could stay until graduation. I think she felt sorry for us.
So here I am, listening to Mikey alternate between crying and snoring, overthinking things as usual.
From the minute I met Frankie to when our kiss began, I didn't think about how weird it was that I fell in love with him so quickly or how we were both boys or what the other guys would say. I just enjoyed the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw him and didn't think about consequenses. But the kiss made things more real. There was at least the possibility of some kind of thing with Frank now, and the responsibilities that came with that were crashing down on me. Frank is a great guy. I love being his friend, but I've already thrown that away to chase the slim possibility of something much, much better.
--
These are my least favorite chapters out of the whole thing.
But it gets somewhat better soon [[i hope]]
The string of words run across my mind over and over until they begin to lose their meaning. I feel weird, like one moment I'm completely numb, and the next I'm feeling too much.
How could she do this to us?
I don't realize I was saying the words out loud until I'm yelling them so loud passing people are staring. My vision is blurred with tears, and I stumble blindly alongside Frank until he props me up against a lightpole and leans against it as well, panting. He's considerably smaller than me-it must've taken a lot of effort to get me even a short distance. Gradually, the tears dry on my face, and Frank produces a Kleenex from his pocket for me to blow my nose on.
"I'm sorry Gerard. This was my fault."
I shook my head violently. The last thing I need is for him to start beating himself up over what happened.
"No, it's okay. I-it's better for us not to live with her. She was hardly ever home. Mikey..was pretty badly depressed for a while because of her. It's better like this, really."
I realize I'm talking about her like she's dead. In a way, to me, she is. After the initial shock it's easier than I thought it would be to accept. She never really loved us anyway.
"D'you have a place to stay?"
"I have an aunt who lives a couple miles from here, she'll let us stay for a while."
Frank nods.
"I should probably track down Mikey," I say, turning away.
"Gerard..wait.."
I turn around, and Frank's fingers are threading through my hair, and he's standing on tiptoes, and then he's kissing me.
Without thinking twice, I pull him close to me, holding him as tight as I can. His thumb is tracing my jawline, and although his touch is warm, I'm shivering.
Eventually, we break it off and stare at each other. I'm sure that there are little hearts floating above my head as I stare at him. He must see them too, because he giggles and takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine.
And suddenly, I feel like everything is okay again.
For a while.
--
Not long after I left Frankie at the front of his house, I tracked down Mikey. He was hiding out at a park, feeding birds and looking for all the world like a morose male bag lady. I managed to convince him to come with me to our aunt's, and we snuck back into our now-former home to take some clothes and other stuff.
Aunt Kathryn was very hospitable, she gave us a room to share and told us we could stay until graduation. I think she felt sorry for us.
So here I am, listening to Mikey alternate between crying and snoring, overthinking things as usual.
From the minute I met Frankie to when our kiss began, I didn't think about how weird it was that I fell in love with him so quickly or how we were both boys or what the other guys would say. I just enjoyed the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw him and didn't think about consequenses. But the kiss made things more real. There was at least the possibility of some kind of thing with Frank now, and the responsibilities that came with that were crashing down on me. Frank is a great guy. I love being his friend, but I've already thrown that away to chase the slim possibility of something much, much better.
--
These are my least favorite chapters out of the whole thing.
But it gets somewhat better soon [[i hope]]