I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
.o7.
Mmm..Saturday..
I slowly ease into consciousness, enjoying the few moments of dreamy happiness you get just after you wake up. When you can't remember anything and you only exist in those seconds before you recall that you're human and have problems. But this time, when I come back to Earth, the floating feeling stays.
Yesterday I kissed Gerard...I bury my head in my pillow and pull the sheets tight around me, letting out a muffled "squee."
Recalling his arms tight around me and his mouth on mine, I burrow down in the depths of my blankets, squinching my eyes shut and fighting to recall his gentle hands on my shoulders, touching my face, while I clung to his waist for dear life and more.
I let out a couple more squees before I get out of bed and try to make myself look pretty in case I get to see him today. But I still can't entirely lose myself in happiness..I'm still worried about Mikey. But that's more of a family issue..I'll be there for him, but I won't pry, I conclude.
Now, to see Gerard..
He has my phone number, and I don't have his, so there's really nothing for it than to sit around and wait, anxiously smoking and jumping up every minute to check my eyeliner..like he can see it over the phone. But I guess it was lucky I did, because as I get up to redo it for the fifth time, the doorbell rings.
Heart in my throat and cigarrete in my hand, I hurry to answer it. And there he is. He looks at me for a second, eyes unfathomable. I look back, confused, and all of a sudden I'm getting my second kiss with him. He's running his fingertips up and down my sides, making me tremble as he softly takes my lip ring in his mouth. I feel hot and blushy and in love, and all of a sudden it's like a thousand lover's voices are in my head, combining with mine in the simple desire to hold the person you care about and never let go.
And I don't, not even after we slowly part from our kiss. I timidly entertwine my fingers with his, looking up into his oddly perfect face..and get a sudden and ridiculous urge to kiss his adorable pointy nose.
So I do, and he smiles.
"Is there any particular reason you came here?"
"Wasn't that reason enough?"
"Yes..but what d'you really want?"
"I was wondering..if..maybe you'd like to go on a..um..date. With me."
"I'd be honored."
And I mean it, I really do. He says he'll take me to a movie-sticking with the classics-but it doesn't start until this evening. Matthew doesn't even come home on Saturdays, so we have the entire rest of the day to sit on my couch and kiss, which we do.
Voraciously.
Before, kissing was just something to do when I was drunk or bored..but now..If I could do nothing but kiss Gerard Way for the rest of my life, I would. Gradually, I'm learning little habits he has..sucking on my lip ring, holding me like I'm something fragile, rubbing his nose against the shallow at the base of my neck between kisses..It's perfect and beautiful and sweet, and I think this may be one of..no, scratch that, the best day of my life. After a while, I snuggle into his chest and listen to his heartbeat while he tells me random things about himself..his favorite colour, his middle name, what kind of cereal he likes and stories from when he was little. Then it's my turn, and I tell him random things about me, too, with a small modification.
"Yeah, my birthday's on Halloween, Ohandalsoiloveyou," I mumble before I can keep it from slipping out.
He pets my head gently and tells me he loves me too, and it's so nice in his arms that I'm about to fall asleep..and the next thing I know Gerard is elbowing me gently and night has fallen and we're about to go on our first date.
--
Bamf.
I slowly ease into consciousness, enjoying the few moments of dreamy happiness you get just after you wake up. When you can't remember anything and you only exist in those seconds before you recall that you're human and have problems. But this time, when I come back to Earth, the floating feeling stays.
Yesterday I kissed Gerard...I bury my head in my pillow and pull the sheets tight around me, letting out a muffled "squee."
Recalling his arms tight around me and his mouth on mine, I burrow down in the depths of my blankets, squinching my eyes shut and fighting to recall his gentle hands on my shoulders, touching my face, while I clung to his waist for dear life and more.
I let out a couple more squees before I get out of bed and try to make myself look pretty in case I get to see him today. But I still can't entirely lose myself in happiness..I'm still worried about Mikey. But that's more of a family issue..I'll be there for him, but I won't pry, I conclude.
Now, to see Gerard..
He has my phone number, and I don't have his, so there's really nothing for it than to sit around and wait, anxiously smoking and jumping up every minute to check my eyeliner..like he can see it over the phone. But I guess it was lucky I did, because as I get up to redo it for the fifth time, the doorbell rings.
Heart in my throat and cigarrete in my hand, I hurry to answer it. And there he is. He looks at me for a second, eyes unfathomable. I look back, confused, and all of a sudden I'm getting my second kiss with him. He's running his fingertips up and down my sides, making me tremble as he softly takes my lip ring in his mouth. I feel hot and blushy and in love, and all of a sudden it's like a thousand lover's voices are in my head, combining with mine in the simple desire to hold the person you care about and never let go.
And I don't, not even after we slowly part from our kiss. I timidly entertwine my fingers with his, looking up into his oddly perfect face..and get a sudden and ridiculous urge to kiss his adorable pointy nose.
So I do, and he smiles.
"Is there any particular reason you came here?"
"Wasn't that reason enough?"
"Yes..but what d'you really want?"
"I was wondering..if..maybe you'd like to go on a..um..date. With me."
"I'd be honored."
And I mean it, I really do. He says he'll take me to a movie-sticking with the classics-but it doesn't start until this evening. Matthew doesn't even come home on Saturdays, so we have the entire rest of the day to sit on my couch and kiss, which we do.
Voraciously.
Before, kissing was just something to do when I was drunk or bored..but now..If I could do nothing but kiss Gerard Way for the rest of my life, I would. Gradually, I'm learning little habits he has..sucking on my lip ring, holding me like I'm something fragile, rubbing his nose against the shallow at the base of my neck between kisses..It's perfect and beautiful and sweet, and I think this may be one of..no, scratch that, the best day of my life. After a while, I snuggle into his chest and listen to his heartbeat while he tells me random things about himself..his favorite colour, his middle name, what kind of cereal he likes and stories from when he was little. Then it's my turn, and I tell him random things about me, too, with a small modification.
"Yeah, my birthday's on Halloween, Ohandalsoiloveyou," I mumble before I can keep it from slipping out.
He pets my head gently and tells me he loves me too, and it's so nice in his arms that I'm about to fall asleep..and the next thing I know Gerard is elbowing me gently and night has fallen and we're about to go on our first date.
--
Bamf.