Don't Tell Me 'Cause it Hurts

You and me, we used to be together.
Everyday together, always.
I really feel that I’m losing my best friend.
I can’t believe this could be the end.

I cradled the phone between my ear and my shoulder, chewing my lip as I looked up at the clock and sighed as the call went through to voicemail again. I grabbed a bottle of water out of my fridge and unscrewed it, bumping the fridge shut with my hip as I waited to leave a message.

“Hey Zacky...it’s me. I was just calling to, well to make sure everything was okay. You said you’d be here to pick me up at eight and it’s now nine,” I muttered, my eyes flicking over to the clock again. “Just...call me so I know you’re not upside down in a ditch somewhere.”

I hung up and slid my phone onto the kitchen counter as I huffed quietly and leant against it, looking down at the dress and heels I’d put on as per the instructions of my boyfriend when he told me to dress up nice for our two year anniversary.

I still couldn’t believe that it was our two year but not like most people. Some people can’t believe it when they hit certain anniversaries because it doesn’t feel that long. For me, it felt longer. I felt like I’d been with Zacky since we were teenager, but only because we’d been best friends since I moved over here when I was thirteen. That was twelve years ago.

When we were twenty-three, Zacky came home from tour and pounded on my front door. The moment I opened it, he’d backed me up and kissed me. That day would forever be carved into my memory but thinking about it now makes me sad.

I don’t get that kind of passion from Zacky anymore. In the last nine months or so, he’d become a little distant and a little forgetful...or a lot forgetful. I couldn’t count the amount of times that he’d forgotten to turn up when we’d made a date or even just forgotten to come over when he said he would. I never waited for his calls any longer, knowing that he’d phone when he’d phone.

I just hated not knowing where he was or why he didn’t turn up when he said he would. He’d always tell me that he’d lost track of time or that he’d gotten caught up at the studio. Of course there were also the moments when he would end up out with the guys instead, leaving me to wait for him to come home.

I sighed and grabbed up my phone, taking it through to the living room and stepping out of my heels. I sat down on my couch and dropped my phone and bottle of water on the coffee table, flopping on to my side and curling up a little. I turned on my TV and pawed around for a blanket to cover my legs with, grabbing up a cushion to put under my head as I tried to ignore the feeling that I was losing him.

It looks as though you’re letting go.
And if it’s real, well I don’t want to know.

I glanced up at Zacky as he pressed his lips to my forehead gently before slipping out of the room and through to the actual recording part of the studio. I swallowed and shifted a little in my chair as I watched Lyndsey bustle about and make us something to drink as we sat in the kitchen, waiting for our boys to be finished so we could all head out for some lunch.

“I’m curious,” Taylor voiced as she settled in the chair opposite mine.

I looked over at her and raised my eyebrows a little as Lyndsey turned and looked at us too.

“About?” Lyndsey asked, turning once again and picking up the drinks she’d made.

“About Sarah and Zacky,” she explained as Lyndsey passed us our drinks.

I frowned and grabbed my drink as Taylor looked at me expectantly before sighing.

“Is everything okay with you two?” She asked quietly. “I mean...it’s just, things seem a little tense between you.”

I stared at her for a second and took a deep breath before shrugging and looking down at the table top. I heard a chair scrapping and looked up as Lyndsey peered at me, her brow furrowed as she tilted her head to the side.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted quietly, swallowing down the few tears that I could feel building up. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Has something happened?”

I shook my head and looked over to Taylor. “Nothing...to my knowledge. Zack’s just been...he’s being distant with me like he...”

I shook my head again and closed my eyes, feeling a couple of tears fall down my cheeks.

“Like he?”

“Like he wants to let go,” I whispered and opened my eyes to look at my best friends. “Like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“I’m sure that’s not,” Lyndsey started but I cut her off.

“You don’t know what it’s been like.”

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Taylor asked me as she stood up and came over to wrap her arm around my shoulder and pulled me to her gently.

I swallowed and looked up at her. “Because I’m scared that if I do...it will be the end.”

Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying.
So please stop explaining.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.
Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking.
I don’t need your reasons.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.

I took a shuddery breath and shook my head, holding my hands up in defence as I stepped away from Zacky, his eyes pleading with me to let him explain.

“Baby, please...”

I shook my head as I felt my will crumble, my chin beginning to tremble as I let my gaze flicker over to Zacky.

“I’m not your baby anymore,” I pointed out weakly. “You don’t want me anymore.”

“It’s not that it’s...”

I backed away from him as Zacky reached for me, crossing my arms over my upper waist as I began to cry a little.

“Please don’t explain,” I begged him. “If you’re going to leave me then just leave. Don’t explain.”

“Why won’t you let me explain?” He asked softly, holding my upper arms gently.

I raised my glittering gaze to his face, tears rolling down my cheeks as Zacky frowned a little.

“Because it hurts.”

Our memories, well, they can be inviting.
But some are altogether mighty frightening.
As we die, both you and I.
With my head in my hands, I sit and cry.

I sat on the end of my bed as I listened to Zacky move around my apartment and took the things that belonged to him that had been left here in the past couple of years. I bit down on my bottom lip as I felt my chin tremble, hoping that I would keep my composure until Zacky left, though I knew it was a long shot.

I let my gaze flicker around my room, every so often settling on different pictures of Zacky and I. Various different memories of the two of us since I first knew him flashed through my mind and I knew that I’d be haunted by them for years to come. Zacky was a big part of my life, I’d known him for almost half my life and it was tearing me apart inside that he would no longer be there for me.

I had some awesome memories of him but they were killing me at the same time. It scared me to think of what my life would be like without him, even before we were together he had always been my protector. Without him, I felt so vulnerable.

Shaking my head a little, I finally felt my composure fall and I bowed my head into my hands, letting out some sobs that I hoped would stay dormant.

Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying.
So please stop explaining.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.
Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking.
I don’t need your reasons.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.

“Please let me explain.”

I shook my head as I stood up and pushed past Zacky, hell bent on getting away from him. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t understand why he was hanging around, why he wouldn’t just leave. That’s what most guys do. When they tell you that they are leaving you...they leave.

This wasn’t fair.

“It’s not that I don’t want you,” Zacky voiced as he followed after me. “And it’s not that I don’t love you anymore but you deserve better than me.”

I rolled my eyes and sniffed, brushing my tears away as I hunted down my shoes that I’d left in the living room. I pulled them on and went to grab my jacket when Zacky got a hold of my arms and turned me to him.

“I can’t keep hurting you like this,” he whispered, his eyes grazing over my face as he spoke and I swallowed. “I can’t keep doing this to you. It’s not fair on you...”

I shook my head and tried to pull away from him, having an idea as to where his explanation was going and not liking it at all. I didn’t want to believe that Zacky was one of the bad guys, regardless of the hurt I was feeling despite any explanation he wanted to give me.

“Don’t tell me,” I pleaded quietly, my voice wavering as I stared up at my ex-boyfriend. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I have to. You deserve to know...”

I whimpered, feeling my body get weak and almost crumble to the floor if Zacky hadn’t been holding me up.

“I’ve been cheating on you.”

It’s all ending, I gotta stop pretending who we are.
You and me, I can see us dying...are we?

As teenagers I’d pretty much built up Zacky and placed him on a pedestal. He was always the only guy in my life that I could trust. The reason I’d moved to America with my mum was because she wanted to get as far away from my dad as possible and then she met a new man, but he turned out to be just as much of a dick as my dad had been.

Boyfriends came and go, each of them cementing into me that all guys would do would be break your heart but Zacky always made me believe that there were good guys out there. And that he was a good guy.

He always swore up and down that he would never hurt me, that he’d always be there for me, to pick up the pieces after someone else had shattered me. But he never told me what would happen if he was the one to break me.

I stared at Zacky, wishing that the breaks in my heart would either stop or would just hurry up and finish so I could breathe again. I let out a shuddery breath and swallowed as what he had said went through my mind over and over again until I felt myself gasping for breath, a panic attack welling up inside of me.

“Sarah?”

I shook my head and felt my body fall into dead weight, making Zacky have no choice but to lower me to the ground.

“You said you’d never hurt me,” I stuttered as I tried to regain my breathing. “You said you’d always protect me.”

“I’m sorry,” he stated, his voice muffled as he buried his face in my hair. “I’m so sorry Sarah.”

“Oh God,” I cried, bringing my knees up and burying my face in my hands.

My mind flickered back over everything that had been happening in the last year or so, trying to figure out when it started.

“How long?” I murmured.

“A couple of months,” he replied, regret deep in his voice.

We’d been dying for a lot longer than that.

“What went wrong?” I whispered as I looked up at him, seeing him look down at me with nothing but care still in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” he muttered and pulled me to him for a hug.

I closed my eyes and curled my fingers into his T-shirt, letting him hold me and knowing it would be the very last time.

Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying.
So please stop explaining.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.
Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinking.
I don’t need your reasons.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.
Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts.
I know what you’re saying, so please stop explaining.

“Why did you need to explain?”

“Because you deserved to know the truth,” Zacky murmured into my hair.

I shook my head and pushed him away from me, pushing myself to my feet and chewing at my lip a little as I watched Zacky stand up too.

“You told me to make yourself feel better,” I told him and took a deep breath. “Please go Zacky.”

“But...”

“Please.”

Don’t speak, don’t speak, don’t speak.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking.
And I don’t need your reasons.
I know you’re good.
I know you’re good.
I know you’re real good.

“I didn’t tell you to myself feel better,” he insisted. “Do you really think that I feel better seeing you like this?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t need to know why you were leaving me. I knew that things were wrong. I knew that we were dying. I knew that things weren’t like they were. I could feel us falling to pieces but I...God, I never would have thought you’d do this. You were supposed to be one of the good guys.”

“I am one of the good guys.”

I shook my head and blinked back some tears. “You’re just good at lying like the rest of them.”

“Sarah,” Zacky sighed and stepped towards me.

I fixed my stare on him and stepped away from him, putting the coffee table between us.

“Please just go Zack. You want to leave me so...just leave.”

Zacky opened his mouth to say something but shut it quickly and nodded. I chewed at my lip as I watched him turn and open the front door, picking up the box of his things before turning to look at me.

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t...” I pleaded.

Zacky nodded and left my apartment, pulling the door shut behind him. I felt my face crumble as I let myself fall on to the couch, no longer crying as I looked around the room. It suddenly felt emptier in my apartment and it felt a lot quieter.

Hush, hush darlin’.
Hush, hush darlin’. Hush, hush.
Don’t tell me, tell me ‘cause it hurts.
Hush, hush darlin’.
Hush, hush darlin’. Hush, hush.
Don’t tell me, tell me ‘cause it hurts.