Drops of Reality

I stuffed the journal inside my backpack next to my toothbrush and extra pair of socks. A shirt and one pair of pants were the only clothes I had left. They hadn't let me go get any of my clothes after they found my mother. The investigators were still finding evidence of what exactly happened. The contents inside this bag are my only possessions. I was told that my belongings would be mailed to my new address.

A woman with a huge head of mousy hair attached to a round body stood behind me, the woman’s nails drumming on the desk next to her. I took my time zipping the pack, hoping that I wouldn't have to leave. Coming here was the best part of my life, and yet, leaving was even worse. Having to go to a strange town with a strange person I have never met, and live there was not something I had expected I would ever have to do.

What kid expects to be taken from their home, from their life? I was doing fine with Savannah at home. After my dad died, things were rough, but they settled down to the point of bearable. My mom hadn't been around much. She sometimes disappeared for weeks at a time only to come home wasted and angry at the world. It was easy to avoid her if you knew how.

I had learned how. A whole eighteen months of practice could perfect anything. That was until I came home three weeks ago to a quiet house. There was no TV noise, no radio blaring, and yet I had seen my mom’s car was in the driveway. An eerie sense filled the house like a bad smell. Thinking of it now made the hairs on my arms stand on end.

“Jani, we need to go.” The woman behind me said with a stern sense of authority. Her beefy hand wrapped around my arm, tugging me away from the bed with more force than was necessary. “Did you hear me?”

I glared at her, yanking my arm out of the woman’s grasp. “Don’t touch me.”

I snatched the pack from my bed and lead the way out of my small room that had been my home for the past few weeks. After spending a night at the police station they had sent me here and left Savannah alone because she was too old to go into the system. I didn't even know where she was. Savannah hadn't called or come and visit. She escaped from this whole life without another word. I was told she was sent to a woman’s shelter until they could fix her up with a place of her own, but I wasn't told where.

Voices from the floor below floated through the hallway and up the stairs.

“She’s kind of had a rough time with the new adjustments. It will take her some time to warm up to you.” That was Dr. Newell, the therapist that had been assigned to my case.

“I wouldn't expect anything less. I don’t know how I would of reacted.” There was a moment of silence before the other voice continued. It was so familiar yet so foreign to my ears. “I’m sorry to ask but I wasn't told much about Shay. Did Jani really find her in the bathroom?”

My steps slowed, my heart beating almost out of my chest. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to think about everything that had happened. I just want to be numb and feel nothing. I want to see nothing.

The woman with the mousy hair pushed my lower back, making me take a few more steps farther down the hall. “Seriously girl, let’s go. Now.”

Dr. Newell lowered her voice slightly.”When the police arrived Jani was in her room. But it seems as though she had, yes. Seeing your mother in that kind of state—well—it has broken her. She needs to heal. And in order to do that she needs to first accept the fact of her mother’s suicide. And second, she needs to start new. And that’s why you are here.”

“My brother and I haven’t been in contact for a very long time.” The man said hesitantly. “I don’t have any kids. I never have. That was my brother’s thing. I’m just a farmer. I don’t understand why I’m the one they chose.”

“They trusted you with their children. It’s in their will. They specifically requested her uncle to take on her affairs if anything happened to both of them. I know this is very confusing and pretty sudden but it is what they wanted. You are not obligated to take her though. We can talk to the court systems and have your rights to her revoked. It is easier than it sounds.”

“No,” the man says sternly, “What about Savannah?”

“She is at another home. A woman’s shelter. I can get you the details from my office if you’d like”I had no idea my parents had a will. And honestly there was never a mention of an uncle. I was told we didn't have any family close by. My dad’s parents died when he was young and my mother never mentioned hers.

A large force grasped onto my upper arm and tugged me out of my daze. “Jani, they have been waiting for you for 20 minutes already.”

I let the social worker drag me this time, not sure if I could walk on my own without her holding me up.

I could feel myself begin to sweat under my arms, wetting the t-shirt that I was wearing. Why am I so nervous to see this person?

By the time we stepped off the last step of the staircase there was only the man named my uncle at the bottom. Dr. Newell must have gone to get the information about Savannah that he requested.

My pack slipped from my sweaty fingers and hit the floor with a dull thunk. I could tell that I was staring at him, but I couldn't avert my eyes anywhere but his face. This man was clearly my father’s brother. They looked so much alike. The crazy wind-swept chocolate hair, the scruffy face from lack of shaving, the shy smile that covered this man’s lips, and this man’s eyes were everything I loved about my father. This man had all of them. His eyes are harsher than my father’s, like they had seen more than anyone should have, but still as comforting and caring as I remembered my dad’s to be.

“Jani,” The man said, standing up straight. His jeans were slightly ripped at the cuffs from lack of hemming. His dark blue dress shirt crinkled from being crumpled in a pile rather than hung up or ironed. “Hi,” he said with a small smile. He seemed nervous too. “I’m Jeremy, your uncle. Cameron was my younger brother.”

I scrambled to retrieve my pack, finally able to look away from him. My chest clenches at the sight of him. He was so much like my father. It was hard to look back at his face. I decided to concentrate on his shoes.

“Hey,” I responded back. That was all I could force from my throat. I could hardly breathe. There was so much pressure on my chest that it was getting harder and harder to breath. Why now? Why do I need to do this now?

“I use to babysit you when you were just a few months old,” Jeremy says. “Shay didn't like being cooped up in the house all day. So she would do the shopping while I stayed with you girls.” His fingers twitch in his pockets. “I know it has been awhile since I've been around. And I wish I hadn't stopped coming to see you.”

I nodded. What was I suppose to say?

Jeremy ran his hand through his hair to get the loose strands out of his eyes. “I didn't know…” he whispered. The pain in his voice made me look up from his shoes. His eyes were watery, his cheeks flushed with color. He looked like he was in pain. “I didn't know he was sick. And Shay, your mother. I wasn't told. I didn't know, I wish…” He trailed off, running his fingers through his hair again.

“It’s okay.” I managed to croak out.

The social worker that has been silent behind me steps forward with a fake smile of her face. “Alright Jani. Your parents have named your uncle Jeremy your legal guardian if they shall both pass.

We have set up for you to live with him until you become of age. And at that time you will be able to choose to stay or to leave. We will be making a few visits to your new residence once you have gotten settled.”

“And where am I going?” I ask her. It is Jeremy who responded.

“I have some land just a few miles up north. It is a pretty nice place. Plenty of room for the both of us.”

I nod and place my pack on my shoulder.

Dr. Newell returns with a scowl on her face. “I will have to call you with the information Mr. Remington. It seems as though I have misplaced the address you requested.”

“That’s not a problem. Just let me know when you do.” Even his voice sounds like my father’s. How did I not know I had an uncle?

Dr. Newell smiles sadly and walks to me. She places her hands on my shoulders. “Do you have everything you need?” It seems like she is asking way more than what the words can hold.

“This is all I have,” I shrug.

She grabs me in a swift hug. “I’ll come see you soon. In a week or so to make sure you are okay.”

Dr. Newell leans in and gives me another hug before saying, “Okay, well you better get going. It is getting late. Mr. Remington it was a pleasure meeting you.” She shakes my uncle’s hand and holds onto it a few seconds too long. She is staring at him like she is trying to speak without words. Jeremy nods once at her in acknowledgment.

“Shall we?” he says to me, gesturing to the door to the parking lot.

I take a steadying breathe. Then numbness is coming back and I welcome it. This all seems like a dream. It is like I’m in an alternate reality. I don’t understand anything anymore. It is all too hard to comprehend at once. I don’t know how I suddenly became the orphan. How did I become so much more alone than I was just a month ago? The world feels empty and careless. Who knew this would be so terrifying?

“I guess so.” I mumbled, going out the door before Jeremy.

He points to a red 90’s Ford truck. I get inside and he starts it up with a loud roar. Before I know it I am staring at my recent home getting smaller in the side mirror of the truck. I didn't think I would miss that place, but the structure was welcoming. There were no surprises. Breakfast at 8:00 AM. TV until 12:30. Lunch. Art class at 2:30 PM, and Dr. Newell at 5:00 PM before Dinner. The ritual made it easier. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to want or need anything else. I just went through the motions that I was told to follow.

Faint country music plays through the speakers of the truck. It’s a calming sound. I haven’t heard a country song since the last time my dad played it at home.

“So,” Jeremy said. He cleared his throat, “I ah—“

He doesn't continue, obviously at a loss for words. He turns up the music so we aren't sitting in complete silence. I turn my head to stare out the window and watch as the city lights turn into trees and the buildings turn into the occasional barn. After awhile I closed my eyes. I had seen enough change to last me a lifetime. I didn't need to see anymore.