You're A Trainwreck

“Brittany” Jordan said as his blue eyes grew wide. “What’re you…” He paused for a moment obviously rethinking everything he was about to say to me. “I mean… I’ve been meaning to call you.” Reaching up he gently wiped the sweat away from his forehead. Lies.

I stared at him for a moment, anger & hurt clearly written on my face. Part of me wanted to confront him and demand to know everything. I had been thinking about this moment for days, while I was lying in my bed, I had imagined what I would say. I thought about breaking down & telling him how much he had hurt me, I thought about slapping him across his scruffy face, & I thought about screaming at him & telling him how much I hated him for turning out to be the dick that everyone tried to tell me he was. But coming face to face with him changed everything, I didn’t want to do any of the things I had thought about doing, mostly I just wanted to grab him & kiss him. But I knew myself too well to think I would really have the guts to do it.

“Why didn’t you?” I asked expressionlessly as I readjusted my nephew on my hip.

“I’ve just been thinking.” He said casually looking away from me. I continued to look at him, this time with a confused expression. I wanted an explanation. “That maybe... we made a mistake.” He said slowly, every word cutting deeper than I had expected.

I nodded my head before swiftly retreating down the hall, leaving him standing there. I had no words for him. I was hurt & I didn’t want to waste any more time than I already had on someone who could care so little. My mind was going a mile a minute but at the same time I didn’t know what to think.
After buckling Zachary into his car seat I climbed into the driver seat resting my forehead against the steering wheel. The emotions were beginning to take over I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, and then there was a knock on my window.

“Hey, what’re you still doing here?” I read my brothers lips before rolling down my window & holding back every emotion that I could.

“I was just about to leave.” I said not bothering to answer is question. “Shouldn’t you be practicing?” I asked him curious as to why he was in the parking lot & not on the ice.

“Brent’s wife is pregnant & looking for a good doctor here in Pittsburgh. I came out to the car to get Dr. Rudd’s business card that I’ve been meaning to give him that last few days.” He explained. I must have zoned out a few times while he was speaking, I could see a worried expression on his face out of the corner of my eye. “Are you okay?”

The crisp cold wind began to swirl the leaves around in the parking lot causing me to shiver. “What?” I asked even though I had heard what he had said.

“I asked if you were okay.” He repeated himself.

I looked at him & nodded. “I’m fine.”

He stared at me in silence. “What aren’t you telling me?” He asked confusion covering his face. “I can tell there is something wrong Britt & I’ve overheard a few conversations. It just seems like everyone knows what’s wrong except me & I’m your brother.”

He was right, he was my brother. He should have been one of the first people I went to talk to. But I didn’t, I couldn't’t, I was tangled in something that most people wouldn’t even consider a relationship with one of his best friends. It was then that I realized I’d have to tell him everything sooner rather than later.