P.S I Love You

Holly opened her door to find the people from the dry cleaning place, they handed her two sets of hangers. One was her birthday dress from two months ago; the other she had no idea. She saw a note on one of them which said, “Found this in the jacket.” She saw the letter that said, “Holly” on it. She smiled to herself as she hurried up to slice it open.

“Holly,

The leather jacket is for you. I always loved how it looked on you. But my other clothes get rid of it. It’s time baby. Make space in that bloody closet for your new designs. Go on love. P.S. I love you.”

Holly tore open the plastic to find Gerry’s light brown leather jacket. She hugged it close to her chest before she slid her arms into it. Holly felt sadness fill her heart, she remembered the last time she wore it. It was with Gerry, as they strolled down Central Park for their anniversary, a month before he passed away.

Holly felt her tears fall down her cheek. She knew it was going to be hard moving on, but never this hard. Holly hated doing all of this alone, she wanted Gerry’s arms around her every night before she went to bed, she wanted to wake up and see him smiling at her like he used too. Holly wanted him to take her to the doctor’s instead of Sharon, she wanted him to hold her hand during labor. She wanted Gerry back, and she would do anything to bring him back…..if it were possible.

Holly went to her bedroom to stare at Gerry’s clothes. She ran her hand along his long sleeved shirts, his jeans, over his shoes. She always looked away when she reached for her clothes, but now she was actually looking at them and she missed him more. Holly pulled out his white plain T-shirt, she shrugged out of his jacket to put it on. His scent was still heavy on it. Every time she stepped into that closet she could smell him like he was right next to her. Holly never really did this the first month, wear his clothes and cry in them. She couldn’t stand –nor still can’t- being anywhere near his stuff.

She grabbed all his shirts and clothes and placed them on the bed. Holly had some boxes in the back of closet so she placed them all in there to ship off to Ireland to his parents. Holly cried the entire time she was taping up the boxes. Packing up Gerry’s stuff was the hardest thing to do, she wasn’t ready but she had to do it to move on.

Putting away Gerry’s old CD’s and his other accessories was easy, but now she was putting away his clothes. For some reason, it was harder than she thought. Holly wrote Rose and Martins address on the last box, as she stacked it on top of the other four boxes. Holly stayed starring at them for a moment, her tears were still falling from her eyes, no pain could ever beat this one.

Holly couldn’t stand being in her apartment anymore; she grabbed her keys and ran out of her building. There was only one person who could help her deal with this.

Patricia was laying all the chairs down before she opened when she saw Holly heading for her at a jog. She looked over at Daniel and smiled.

“Leave us alone for a minute.”

Daniel saw Holly coming, but something wasn’t right. He headed down to the office to play on the computer while they talked.

Holly opened the door, “Mom?” she cried.

“What happened?” Patricia whispered. Holly ran into her arms sobbing. Patricia never heard her cry like that before. She knew it was because of Gerry and those stupid letters he sent her every week.

“Come on sit down.” Patricia sat Holly down in front her. Holly rubbed her stomach as she wiped away her tears, but more kept falling over the old ones.

“When daddy left…I was 14 I said…that’s it…never again….no man” Holly took a deep breath before she continued but her heart was so broken right now it hurt to do it.

Patricia watched her; she could feel a lump in the back of her throat but swallowed it away.

“Then I meet Gerry. And then…..this wonderful man I happen to meet and then he died! What was the point!?” Holly started to feel so angry now. Her emotions were on a rollercoaster lately, but now they were just out of control.

“I know.” Patricia choked. She was loosing her control seeing Holly in so much pain.

“I’m so angry I could kill! I’m all alone! It doesn’t matter what I do…he’s not here anymore!” More tears fell from Holly’s eyes; she could feel the baby moving around. All this stress wasn’t good for her baby girl, but she needed to get this out so she can move on. Holly had a hard time expressing all her feelings. Nothing she said was making sense.

“I know sweetheart.” It was her mother could say now.

“You’re alone no matter what!” Holly had her face covered as she panted out her sentences. It was getting harder and harder to breath.

“That’s right.” Patricia couldn’t say anymore without loosing her control.

“You know….I didn’t come here get some bullshit of an answer.” Holly sighed.

Patricia smiled a little; she pulled Holly into her arms. She patted her daughters back gently.

“I can’t breathe…I can’t breathe.” Holly panted. Being that close to her mother, her breathing was getting worse.

Patricia pulled away and patted Holly’s shoulders, “Come on. Let’s get some fresh air.”

Holly and her mother walked down Central Park together. It was easier for Holly to breathe now, but her heart still ached.

“You know before your father left I was one happy woman.” Patricia sighed. “That man could make me laugh.” She said with a giggle.

Holly turned to stare at her mother, “Daddy? I don’t ever remember you laughing.”

Patricia frowned, she felt a sting in her heart, “That makes me sad….because I did.”

Holly and Patricia continued down the park talking about the baby, then they switched back to Gerry. Holly leaned against the rail that surrounded the bridge.

“I got a letter today. He wanted me to get rid of all his clothes.” Holly sighed.
“I thought I was ready but once they were packed and taped up. I lost it. It finally hit me….Gerry gone.” She choked.

Patricia sighed, “It hasn’t really hit you yet honey. That was just a sample of what the real one will feel like. You’ll know when it’s the break down. It’ll feel like every tear that falls out of your precious little eyes is carrying your pain with them.”

Holly nodded, “This is so hard mom. I don’t know if I can raise this baby without him.”

“Holly you’re not alone. You have Sharon, Denise, and me.”

Holly starred down at her stomach, she rubbed the side of it to calm down the pain she was getting on the sides.
“I know. I just need Gerry. He wanted this more that I ever did.”

Patricia sighed, “Sweetie. This baby is a way of him coming back to you. When you hold that angel in your arms for the first time, you’re heart will feel like it was never really broken. Of course it will hurt you later on when she asks you about her dad, but that will be your chance to share all your memories with your daughter. You will get to tell her what a wonderful man he was. You will tell her that he would have loved her with all his heart if he were alive. Don’t you see Holly? That little girl will look to you for all those answers…..and you will get to answer them.”

Holly wiped away a tear that fell over her eye lids. She starred at her mother for a moment watching her stare right back into Holly’s.

“Did you hate Gerry because he reminded you of daddy?” Holly asked.

Patricia sighed, “Yes. It’s never easy Holly. Watching your child head for the same life you had…it’s a terrible feeling. Its makes you angry…..and I’ve been angry for a very long time…and I’m exhausted.”

Holly smiled a little. “Do you think I’ll be a good mother?”

Patricia grinned, “I think you’ll be a wonderful mother. I know when you said you didn’t want any children you meant it. But can I ask you why?”

Holly sighed, “I guess it’s because….when Gerry first told me he was sick….somewhere inside of me told me he was going to leave me someday. So I didn’t want to have a baby with him and have him leave me to take care of it alone. I didn’t want that. Gerry would always argue with me about that, but I never answered him when he would ask me ‘Why Holly? Why?’ I just couldn’t tell him that he might leave me like daddy left you.”

Patricia took a deep breath and starred at her daughter, “Your father left because he wanted different things, a different life. With you and Gerry, it was true love. Even though I couldn’t stand him because you two married so young. I could see that he loved you, and I saw you loved him. It was something I never had with your father Holly.”

Holly turned her gaze to the river that was flowing beneath her. She remembered when Gerry brought her here for their anniversary. He sat her on the rail, while her feet dangled over the ledge; his arms were wrapped around her waist. Holly remembered how warm they felt around her; how butterflies would flutter in her stomach every time he touched her. Her mother was right. She could look at Sharon and John and know they didn’t have the tight bond her and Gerry had.

“Gerry told me that night in the hospital, ‘Its not goodbye love…trust me.’ Could it be possible that he knew….that I was pregnant?”

Patricia smiled, “It could be. Or he could have been talking about the letters.”

Holly grinned, “Or that.”

Patricia giggled. She pulled Holly’s strand of hair behind her hair and rubbed her head.

“I’m here for you Holly. It might make me uncomfortable to comfort you because I’m still dealing with my own demons. But as your mother….I’ll always be here to give you my shoulder to cry on.”

Holly wrapped her arms around her mother. Holly loved her mother so much, and right now she was the best help she ever received since Gerry died.

The broken heart Holly had would always be there to remind her that she lost something beautiful. But in five months, she was going to have something more precious. Gerry was coming back to her, and she couldn’t wait to meet him again. So in a way….the asshole did keep his promise.