P.S I Love You

It’s been a week since Gerry officially left Holly. She couldn’t just curl up in bed anymore with his jacket around her; she had a child to look after. But even Janessa sense something was missing.

“Something feels different mommy.” She said one day. Holly couldn’t answer her directly without breaking down again. Her mother knew something was wrong with Holly, but she didn’t want to intervene. She would get over it sooner or later.

Holly dropped Janessa off at school with a kiss on the cheek, “Have a good day baby.”

Janessa hopped off the car and ran towards her teacher with a wave before she walked inside. Holly drove down to Sharon’s, Denise was going to be there also, so Holly took it as an omen to spill her feelings on her friends without Janessa seeing her cry.

Holly knocked on Sharon’s door; she fixed her hair before Sharon opened it with a little Rob in her arms.

“Hey, come in.” Sharon noticed the pain in her eyes. She hasn’t seen that hurt in her eyes since before Janessa was born.

Denise cringed at the look of Holly’s face, “Hey friend.”

Holly smiled as she sat down in the kitchen table. Holly removed her glasses to reveal her red swollen eyes. She couldn’t believe she broken down again last night.

“Oh my god Holly! What’s wrong?”

Holly wiped away the tears that escaped her eyes before she answered, “I don’t feel him around me anymore. He’s officially gone.”

Sharon sighed with a glance at Denise. Denise had her hand over her heart with her mouth wide open; she couldn’t believe how horrible Holly’s voice sounded.

“What do you mean baby?” Sharon asked.

“He’s gone…..forever. I don’t feel him like I used too. He’s gone.”

Sharon laid Rob down in the swing as she walked around to hug Holly. Holly cried into her shoulder, while Denise patted her hand.

When Holly calmed herself down she let out a little giggle, “Five years ago, I told Gerry ‘The day you die is going to be the happiest of my life.’ I was wrong.”

Sharon smiled, “I’m sure he didn’t mean to take it literally.”

“Yeah, and if he did well then he’s an idiot.” Denise giggled.

Holly laughed, then she looked at both of her bestest friends, “I’m being silly.”

“No you’re not baby. You’re still grieving; it takes time for this sort of stuff to just blow away.”

“You and Gerry had a bond that no one has. Of course it’s going to hurt honey.”

Holly nodded as she wiped away her tears and smiled at her friends, “You guys are the greatest. I love you.”

Sharon and Denise both sighed, “We love you more.”

Later that evening Holly sat with Janessa in the living room. They were watching Jay’s favorite movie “The Little Rascals”. Holly played with Jay’s hair as they laughed and awed during the movie. Holly laughed with Jay sang the pickle song from the movie.

When the movie was over Jay stood on the sofa and jumped up and down on it.

“Janessa Kennedy you know better than to do that.”

Jay laughed as she stuck her tongue out.

“I’m going to cut that little tongue out.”

Jay laughed harder, “Catch me if you can mom!”

Jay jumped off the sofa and ran into her room screaming and laughing. Holly giggled as she played along with her daughter.

“You little stinker.” She giggled.

Holly could hear her soft giggles coming from her closet, she tip-toed all the way over there and screamed out when Jay yelled.

Holly threw Jay over her shoulder and laid her on the bed as she tickled her until she screamed mercy.

“OK! OK!” Jay laughed. Her laugh was the cutest ever; Holly couldn’t help but laugh with her.

“Ok, now go get ready for a bath.” Holly sat Jay up and smacked her bottom as Jay giggled her way over to the bathroom. Holly walked into her closet smiling; she wanted to look for some more pictures of Gerry for Jay. Holly found the box that was labeled, “Gerry’s pictures” on the top shelf, but a box was sitting on top of it.

Holly pulled the boxes down and carried them out. She laid them both on the bed and opened the white box with no title. Holly gasped when she saw the letters from Gerry lying in there. All of them for first year he passed were all in there. Holly hasn’t seen these since the last letter she received.

Holly saw the tape recorder she got for her birthday was in there also. She pulled it out along with the letter. Holly was in the middle of reading the second one when Janessa came out.

“Mommy can you brush my hair?”

Holly pulled her gaze away from the letter and saw Janessa all dressed in her black shorts and purple tank top.

“Yes sweetie.” Holly took the brush from her little hands and sat Jay on the bed as she brushed softly threw her long brown hair.

“What are these?” Janessa picked up one of the letters from the box.

Holly sighed; she put the brush down on the bed and turned Jay around.

“These are letters from your dad.”

Janessa nodded, “Cool.”

“He wrote these to me to help me move on after he died.”

Janessa arched an eye brow, “What?”

Holly giggled, “He wrote these to me before he died. He just told the postmaster to send them on certain dates that he wanted me to get them.”

Janessa nodded, “Oh! I get it!”

Holly laughed, “Yeah. Your dad was very sneaky around me. I didn’t know he was writing these until I got them.”

“Can I read them?” Janessa starred at Holly with her beautiful green eyes.

Holly wanted to say no, but she also felt like it was time to share these with Janessa.

“Ok.”

Holly pulled out all the letters, even the tape recorder and sighed.

“Your dad wrote the first one on my birthday. He recorded this tape which tells me to go out with Aunt Sharon and Aunt Denise.”

“Wow. Were you sad when daddy died?”

Holly looked down, “Yes. Very sad.”

“Are you still sad?”

Holly nodded, “Some times bumble bee.”

Janessa tugged at the corners of her long brown hair, “I won’t talk about him anymore mommy.”

Holly jerked her head up, “What?”

“I said I won’t talk about him anymore. If it still makes you sad.” Janessa had the most heartbreaking expression ever. Holly hated that look on her daughter.

“No bee, I want you to ask me anything about your father. He would hate it if I asked you not too. Don’t be afraid to ask me ok?”

Janessa shook her head, “But it makes you sad. I don’t want you sad mom.”

Holly sat her daughter in her lap, she kissed the top of her head and hugged her tightly.

“No, no. It won’t make me sad anymore baby. Ask away. Do you want to read dads letters to me?”

Janessa twisted around in Holly’s arms and nodded, “Yes. Are you sure mom?”

Holly tapped her nose, “Positive.”

Janessa giggled, “Ok.”

Holly pulled out the first letter, and read on as she held on tightly to her daughter in her arms. Holly wouldn’t got back in time to be with Gerry again, as she saw it, he was living threw their daughter, and she loved them both so much she felt complete. A feeling she hasn’t felt since she first married Gerry….