Strange Fascination

K

The first time I’ve ever been on a roller coaster was when I was ten years old. And it wasn’t a normal coaster that just went up and down. It was one of those big ass ones that meant serious business. There were more lips, corkscrews, and turns than I could count with ten fingers. It was so tall at the top that you could probably see the whole damn town, from one end to the other. My brother had bet me twenty bucks that I wouldn’t have the guts to take on a machine like that. But it’s crazy what ten year olds would do for twenty bucks.

I still remember the way my knees shook as I was waiting in line. The way my palms were sweating when I pulled the restraint over myself. The way my heart skipped when the cart left the terminal. I nearly shit myself going up the first hill, my whole face turning blue right before that first drop.

Still to this very day, I can’t quite describe the feeling through words- the feeling of falling from 250 feet above the ground at a 75 degree angle. The feeling of being virtually weightless and unreal, with the wind slicing through your body at a hundred miles per hour. I ended up getting that twenty bucks.

But it wasn’t the money or even my brother’s priceless defeat that made my day. What mattered most was going on that ride over and over again, because it was the best I ever felt in my life. I think I went on it at least thirty times that day. Each time, I was still scared shitless on the way up- that never changed. But coming back down was a whole different story. As soon as the cart started to speed downhill, I would completely forget about my fears. My mind went blank, surrendering myself to the moment.

By the third time, I was brave enough to keep my eyes open for the whole ride. By the fifth, I threw my arms up during the drop, reaching for the sky. And by the sixth, I had totally forgotten about the twenty bucks shoved in my pocket.

Tonight feels like that day all over again. Right now, as I’m in the backseat of Jared’s car, I’m slowly making my way up that first hill. My knees are shaking, my palms are sweating, and my heart is skipping. There’s nothing to lie about. I’m nervous like hell for tonight. Nervous about what I’m going to do when I see her. Nervous about what I’m going to say, and how I’m going to act. Yeah sure, I had planned this out a million times in my head, but I know for a fact that none of that will ever follow through.

But if I’ve learnt anything from that fateful day at Six Flags, it’s that nothing is half as bad as you believe it is. The hardest part is actually going up the hill, not coming back down. And even if those few seconds before the fall are the worst three seconds of your life, it doesn’t matter. Once you start speeding down, there isn’t anything in the world that matters. Once you force your eyes open and let go of the handles, you’re unstoppable. You’re infinite. You’re free.

In so many ways, tonight is exactly like that rollercoaster. I wasn’t to get it over with as quickly as possible, but at the same time I want to hold on to each moment. If you were to tell my ten year old self that there would be harder things in life than finding the guts to go on a coaster, he would have laughed in your face.

With a slow sigh, I close my eyes and let my head rest against the window, counting the seconds to keep me awake.

*

the lobby of the venue is decorated with a forest of blue and silver balloons. A crystal chandelier hangs from the ceiling, gold light reflecting off the marble floors. There are paintings covering every wall, of fairytale landscapes from foreign painters. In the middle of all this, there’s a fountain planted in the ground shooting out fireworks of water. Carvings of starfish, seahorses and dolphins surround the base of the structure. The whole thing is topped with a statue of a mermaid, shooting water out her mouth. The vibe of this place sends shivers down my spine, and suddenly my suit feels ten sizes too small.

“Name?”

A strawberry blonde asks as I approach the front desk. She flashes me a smile with her perfectly pink lips.

We’ve been in the same homeroom for three years.

“Kennedy Brock.”

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

Yeah, I sit behind you in math

“Probably not.”

With a confused look, she hands me back my ticket, checking off my initials from the guest list.

“Table fifteen. It should be at the far left of the dancefloor.”

But as she was giving my directions to my table, I couldn’t help but peek at the list, scanning down the columns. Funny how there was a small, lopsided check next to the letters AM.

*

“Are you just gunna sit there all night, Brock?” John asks me, walking back to our table from the dancefloor. It’s currently 8:12, and about ten minutes into the dance. The ballroom is lit by a hundred different streaks of technicolor light, slicing through the air. There’s a fog machine smoking up the floor, creating a blanket of clouds above the ground. A remix of Hellogoodbye’s ‘Here in your arms’ is blasting through the DJ’s speakers and everyone is screaming out the words, whether they know them or not. From the looks of it, there was some major grinding going down.

“I’m not going over there.”

From the looks of John’s sweat covered forehead and undone tie, I wouldn’t last thirty seconds in the crowd.

“So you’re just going to stay here and drink your Coke all night?”

It was a Pepsi, but whatever.

“I’ll go later,” I convinced myself more than I convinced John. With an eye-roll, he chucks his tie onto my chair and props himself down next to me.

“You know, just because you didn’t have the balls to ask Andie out doesn’t mean—”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“So?”

“I...” The words refused to form in my head. John was right. I was a coward for not asking her to Prom, and I’m still a coward for not doing anything about it.

“She’s at table twenty-four.”

“John, I’m not—”

“Ask her to dance.”

I laugh at the absurdity of his remark.

“I can’t dance.” This was true.

“What’s your point?”

*

Everything changed when I saw her. It was like I walked through some invisible portal as I approached her table. It was like I walked in as me and walked out as a stranger. But a good kind of stranger. Because this stranger refused to let fear get the best of him- he laughed in the face of fear. He had fear for breakfast. He held fear in the palm of his hand.

I didn’t freeze in my tracks when she picked me out from the crowd. I didn’t slow down when she called my name. I didn’t feel the world spin around me when I realized how impossible and beautiful she was. Instead, everything froze in place, like I was living inside a photograph. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I didn’t have a reason to not. They say that we’re always looking, but we’re not always seeing. And as my eyes are studying the way she is, I feel like I’m learning to see for the first time.

The way her oatmeal complexion glows beneath the white background of her dress. The way her hair falls and spirals down her neck like a satin ribbon. The way her perfect mouth says hello, with a ruby red smile. The way she stands like she’s posing to be painted, with her hands clutching her sides and one foot tucked behind the other. The way her eyes speak to me not in words, but through expression and color. the way she looks so make-believe, made up of stardust and held together by a spell. But at the same time she looks so genuine, set apart from all the other girls in the room, clone after clone of trashy dresses and airbrushed makeup. The way she tilts her head to the side as I walk up to her, like she’s trying to figure me out. The way I hear the Beatles when I see her.

It’s all these little things that define the girl she is, the girl that’s running through my mind every second of the week, whether I’m awake or dreaming. It’s the little things that matter the most. Beauty comes in small, confined packages and strikes in the strangest of places, appealing only to those who are patient enough to search.

With every step forward, John’s voice plays through my mind like a broken record.

You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.

That was enough to keep me going, because tonight, I couldn’t afford to let myself down. As I came to a stop within arm’s length of her, I knew that this was it. The moment before the drop, rocking back and forth at the top of the rollercoaster.

Sometimes, we just have to give in, knowing we didn’t come all this way for nothing. Sometimes, we just have to throw our hands in the air and scream our lungs out, knowing it’s the least we can do. And sometimes, we just have to breathe, knowing that’s it’s worth it in the end.

“Hey,” I tell her, without a single shake in my voice.

“Hey, pretty boy.”

God, she was so unreal.

I smile, the corners of my mouth stretching across the room.

“Do you wanna dance?”