Devour

A tiny voice woke me, "Mommy?" It asked.

"Yes?"

"Who is that?" He sounded scared.

"There is no one in here but me." I said as I rubbed his arms to comfort him.

"Yes there is."

I turned around and saw that same familiar body from last night.

"Oh god!" I yelled. Jacob's eyebrows raised and tears welled up in his eyes.

"No, no baby. I wasn't yelling at you. Go downstairs and watch tv, baby." I said then ushered him out of the room.

I closed the door and put my back against it. I was scared witless.

"Get the fuck out of my room!" I yelled as I threw a shoe at him. He rolled over and rubbed his eyes.

Ville

It was like the breath had been knocked out of me. He looked the same except skinnier and he had more tattoo's. But he was still my tall, skinny Ville. The man who lied to me for years.

"Leave. Now." I demanded.

"Was that Jacob?" He asked, he sounded like he was going to cry.

"Yes it was. You would have known that if you weren't an asshole. Now get dressed and leave." I said then stormed out of the room. I walked downstairs and sat next to Jacob on the couch.

He was watching spongebob. I tried to ignore everything in me that told me to go back up there and be with him. To forget about the past because he's here now and that's what matters.

Ville walked down stairs and sat next to me.

"You have to let me in his life." He whispered.

I rolled my eyes. He's right, he's his dad but he doesn't mean a thing to me. I told myself that to make it easier to keep a boundary.

"Jacob," I began. He turned and looked at me. He's so innocent, I hate to ruin that by exposing him to abandonment.

An angel's smile is what you sell. Promise me heaven then put me through hell.

But he deserves to know him for the good man he can be.

I took a deep breath, "This is your dad."

He looked at me confused.

"He came back!!" He yelled excitedly. Ville gave me a confused look. I frowned, it's his turn to lie.

Bam stumbled downstairs, his hair wild and shirtless. He stopped halfway down the stairs.

"What are you doing in here?" Bam asked.

Ville stood up, "Talking."

"Get out." Bam said sternly.

"Jacob, go find Ryan." I said then made him get up. He disappeared into the kitchen.

"You didn't make me leave last night." Ville said as Bam pushed him towards the door.

"Yeah, that's because I didn't know you were going to try to push your way back in here. You're not going to hurt her again." Bam said stern but quiet.

"I won't."

"Yeah right, you said that the first time. I was the one who had to pick her up and try to put her back together. You were out trapsing around Finland like nothing was wrong." Bam said then shoved him out the door and slammed it.

I didn't stop him. I let Bam throw him out of the house. I didn't want to see him hurt. I knew he was a good person. I knew he was trying to make things right. But if he quit that easily, he doesn't matter. I'd tried for two and a half years to push him away.

Here you are, down on your knees again. Trying to find air again.

As bad as I hate to admit it or accept it, I don't hate him. I didn't want to hurt him.