Please Don't Forgive Me

“Anika?” Garrett asked as I walked toward the front of the bus. “Ani?” I ignored him and picked my sunglasses up off the table.

“Ani?” Kenny asked, “Ani what happened?” Garrett stood to follow me off the bus, but Kenny stopped him. “Let me take a shot?” he whispered to Garrett, thinking I wouldn’t hear.

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I walked to Rockefeller Plaza and sat down on a bench with a view of the fountain, the summer heat nauseating. There was a Coach, a L’Occitane, and a few other stores in the small alley. I pulled my legs up onto the bench and sat Indian style, just letting the tears fall. I wasn’t going to do this; I couldn’t do this; I shouldn’t have to do this.

“Finally,” Kenny said finding me. Company was actually nice. Company that wasn’t Garrett was actually even better. “He knows.” I nodded slowly, knowing that I couldn’t get the words out. “He says he’s sorry.”

“Why is he always so sorry?” I asked through sobs. “He never does anything wrong. He always tries to do the right thing and he thinks he has to apologize.”

“Because you’re his best friend and he would do anything for you. He thinks he should have to protect you.”

“But he doesn’t have to,” I sighed. Kennedy gave me one of those looks that says, ‘yeah, right.’ “He doesn’t have to all the time. I’m a big girl. I’m a grown up.”

“He just wants to know if you’re okay right now.” I shook my head quickly.

“Worst of all is that I don’t think he and I are going to see eye to eye on this and it’s going to cause a fight.” I looked down at my hands. I was picking my nails and fidgeting. “I might want to do something that he might find to be a horrible solution. I should never have come on tour.”

“Well, what do you want to do? In the end it’s your choice, right?” Kennedy looked over at me and I nodded my head.

“I’m not ready to have a baby, Kenny. I don’t want Dane’s baby.” I sighed heavily and looked over at him. “And if it was anyone else’s, I might want it. But I couldn’t have this baby, knowing that every time I looked at him or her I would think of what happened. I could not forgive myself for having a child that I would grow to hate.” I looked up at the sky, the sun at its peak.

“Then what’s the problem? You know what you want and it’s your decision.”

“The problem is if Garrett disagrees with me, I lose my best friend, and that’s the last thing I need right now. I’d rather raise a child that I may resent than lose my best friend. And that makes me the most selfish person I know.”