Please Don't Forgive Me

“Anika,” he sighed on the other side of the door, “don’t hate me,” he mumbled. I had locked myself in the back lounge on the bus and taken to ignoring his attempts to get back on my good side. “Please?”

“Why shouldn’t I hate you?” We were both sitting on the floor against opposite sides of the door.

“Because, I’m just trying to help you. You and I both know that eventually you’ll regret it if you have an abortion.” I sighed loudly.

“No, Garrett, I won’t.” In any other case, maybe. In this case I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t care about how I would feel about it, because I knew I would feel worse if I didn't end this. “I don’t want Dane’s kid.”

“I get that, Ani, I seriously do. But what if Molly had…” he trailed off.

“What?” I asked swinging the door open. “What if Molly had what?” I yelled.

“What if she had…” he couldn’t make himself finish. He couldn’t force the words out.

“What if Molly had had an abortion?” I asked looking him straight in the eye. He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded slowly. “Then I guess I wouldn’t be here, now would I? But you know what? It would have been her choice. It was her body and her choice to make. And I know there were times when she regretted the choice that she did make.”

“That isn’t how you felt about the situation back in tenth grade,” he said softly.

“That was because I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what it was like to have something unwanted living inside of my body.” I saw his features soften a bit as he pulled me into a hug. “There are times when I wished she had had the abortion. Times like this.” He tightened his arms around me protectively.

“And you wouldn’t want a child to grow up wishing that; resenting you like you resented Molly.” I nodded and buried my head in his chest.

“Resenting me because I resented it.” I cried softly as he comforted me. “I just really, really don’t want this baby—I don’t think I could ever love it.” He held me closer—an indication that I had finally won his support.