Please Don't Forgive Me

A million and one things ran through my mind after hearing the conversation between John and Garrett. I knew I shouldn’t have heard it; I wasn’t supposed to hear it, but worst of all I kind of wished I had never heard it. It had been a very long time since I thought about Garrett that way and I didn’t know if it was really a good idea. Tour was a little more than half over and I really didn’t want to make our friendship awkward—not that it mattered anymore since he used the ‘L’ word, and he doesn't just throw it around. And the way he said it was not at all platonic.

I was waiting outside of the venue since they’d just finished their set. As soon as they finished getting their shit together, Kenny and I were going to get coffee for everyone. I seriously hoped Garrett wouldn’t get mad, but more than he seemed sullen he just seemed gloomy and sad—anger not in his tone at all.

“Ready to go?” Kenny asked standing in front of me on the side walk. I nodded and stood up to leave. “So, I heard from John that you walked in on an interesting conversation earlier,” he laughed, “to say the least.” I bowed my head looking at my feet and then I raised my eyes to see the lights from the signs we were walking past.

“To what are you referring?” I joked. “I recall no such thing.”

“Yeah,” he smiled, “he said you might say that. But the only one who kind of needs to be kept in the dark about you hearing that conversation is Garrett. That is unless you feel the same about him of course.” I looked up at the sky knowing this wasn’t going to be an easy situation to get out of. Especially considering I didn’t even know how I really felt.

“Well, are we even a hundred percent sure he was talking about me?” I asked seriously. For all I knew he could be taking about someone else—until Kenny’s hand came playfully into contact with my head. “Okay, okay,” I laughed. “You never know with that kid.”

“Just like no one ever knows with you,” he laughed. “No one can figure you out enough to tell him what to do. John thinks you like Garrett, Garrett thinks you like me and I always thought there was something dirty going on with you and John,” he joked.

“Well I don’t know if I even like anyone. I mean once upon a time it was Garrett, but that was a long time ago. Like freshman year long ago. And I told myself that if I wanted to preserve the friendship I had to let go. Not to mention, I feel like a tour bus with a bunch of other guys, nowhere to seek refuge and no way to avoid the potential awkwardness is a really bad place to try and figure out what he is to me now.”

“I agree on the bus being a bad place, but don’t you think you’d have an idea about it.” I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at Kenny.

“The thing is, I know I love Garrett, I just didn’t ever let myself figure out how. I think I loved him too much to risk losing him and so any feelings that weren’t platonic got pushed so far into the back of my mind that they eventually stopped resurfacing. Granted I’m sure they still exist, but I feel like they’re so repressed that bringing them to the surface could take time and thought.”

“So you’re just going to act like you heard nothing and you felt nothing for the rest of the time that we’re on tour? Don’t you think that’s a little unfair to yourself?”

“No. Not really. It’s more unfair to him, which sucks because, well because he’s Garrett. He’s always been the one that I talk to everything about and he always knew how to play the knight in shining armor.” I pulled open the door of the Starbucks since I knew Kenny would’ve walked right past. “He’s Garrett, and I love him more than anyone on the face of the earth, but I have to figure out how much I’m in love with him.”

“And what’ll happen if you’re not in love with him?”

“Things will just go back to how they were I guess. Our friendship will simply be platonic.” I sighed and shoved Kennedy forward to order since I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to do so myself. Did I love Garrett? Yes, of course. Was I in love with him? I didn’t know, but I knew something about the fact that he could be in love with me even when I was so broken and ruined terrified me. Terrifying in a kind of good way, yes, but terrifying nonetheless. He was Garrett. He was my constant. He was my best friend. But was he ‘the one’ for me? Did I even know what love was? Or better yet--did he?