Please Don't Forgive Me

“Things can’t exactly go back to exactly how they were with him,” Kennedy lectured when we were leaving Starbucks. “He admitted he loved you, Ana. He used the actual phrase—on several occasions. When you were in the hospital he said he didn’t know what he’d do without you, because you meant everything to him and he loved you more than anything; more than his music even. And coming from Garrett you know that means a lot.” I sighed looking down at the ground.

“I know, I know. I get that he’s shy with that kind of thing, but if I don’t love him in that way then would it be fair to him to act like I did? And if I don’t am I just supposed to give up my best friend? Because I go through Garrett withdrawals, and they suck big time.” I was just digging myself a deeper ditch.

“And you think that being in love with him is only a possibility?” he joked. “You go through withdrawals?”

“When I don’t have him there to see and talk to a part of me is missing. And I know it’s so not platonic, but he’s Garrett,” I said making it sound like anything more than friendship with him seemed a little ridiculous.

“What were you thinking when you were trapped in that garage by that freak?” he smirked in my direction; almost as if he could read my thoughts. I let out the breath I had been holding and sighed loudly.

“I was thinking that he would be mad at me for ignoring him. I thought that if I died and he was mad at me, it would be a crappy way to go. If I died and never had a chance to apologize for not answering. I didn’t want to die and never see him again.” I sighed again and Kennedy wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “And I know how it sounds. I know it sounds horrible that in the ambulance I told myself it was okay to let go after I saw him and knew he wasn’t mad at me.”

“Ana,” he said dragging out my name. “I think that you-? I cut him off.

“Don’t even say it Kenny!” I warned.

“Do you not want to be in love with him?” he asked confused. “Because if not then that’s fine but it just seems strange.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be in love, so much as I’m scared. The last guy I went on a date with was Dane. I’m afraid and I know Garrett is like a harmless kitten and I know that I trust him more than anyone, but I don’t know if I can trust him not to break my heart again.”

“He broke your heart?” he questioned softly. I responded with a nod.

“I mean, it isn’t like he meant to, but he still did. Thinking about it, I know I’m still in love with him, but that scares me.”

“But hasn’t he taken away more pain than he’s dished out over the years?”

“Yes, but I don’t know if I can take having my heart broken again. O-or what if I do something stupid? I don’t want to hurt him, because he’s amazing and deserves a girl a million times better than me.” I sighed and realized we were approaching the venue.

“Oh,” Garrett said somewhat harshly, “I see how it is.” I looked up to see Kenny’s arm around my shoulders and understood how easily this could be seen as something it was clearly not. “Why didn’t one of you tell me?” he asked, trying to sound happier.

“Because, Garrett, there’s nothing to tell,” Kennedy chimed in.

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed. “Nothing to tell my ass!” He stormed of annoyed and I slipped out from under Kennedy’s arm and ran toward Garrett.

“Garret!” I called. “Garrett, hold on.” I had almost caught up with him before he turned around and gave me the finger. “Why are you being like this?” He didn’t answer and continued to walk away. I strolled back to Kennedy defeated and plopped down on a bench.

“Alright,” he began pulling me back up, “this warrants either chocolate or ice cream. You lead the way,” he laughed. “I always go in the wrong direction and we end up walking for an hour.”

“See!” Garrett yelled at John in the background. He had found John and apparently was eager to prove his point from earlier. A point that there was no point in trying to prove because it wasn’t true. I glanced over my shoulder to see them and I heard John start to yell back.

“Jesus! Garrett the two of you are less platonic than that and have been since middle school for crying out loud!”

“But she’s more like that with him now! Ever since she got pregnant.” I stopped dead in my tracks and turned back around. “Was it really Dane’s baby or was it fucking Kenny’s?” he yelled.

“Fuck you Garrett!” I yelled in his direction. The tears were threatening to pour over, but I wouldn’t let them. I bit my lip and choked a few times to keep the tears at bay. When he knew I had heard him, his features had softened, but it was too late. I had already turned back around in an attempt to escape him for a little while. How dare he say something like that when he knew it was so far from the truth?

“Seriously?” Kennedy yelled at him confused. “You seriously think I’d do that?”

“Well you went with her to buy the damn pregnancy test, you yelled at me to give her time to take it and when she left after, you went after her!”

“Because you wouldn’t! You wouldn’t let her leave the bus. You wouldn’t give her five minutes of peace and you wouldn’t talk to her like a person! You didn’t want to let her make her own choice about her own body. You wanted to control her. And we all know it was out of love and concern, but I did what you wouldn’t; what you should have as her best friend.” Garrett sighed and looked down at the ground and then tried to come after me. “And I really don’t think she would want to talk to you right now.”