Please Don't Forgive Me

I had just enough money in my pocket to pay for a cab to the airport and just enough in my bank account to pay for my plane ticket. I figured that by the time I got back to Arizona the buses would be running again and I could just take the bus back to Tempe.

Before I boarded I had received twenty some odd text messages from the guys. There was one from Garrett and I didn’t even want to read it. I just wanted to be back in my apartment, in my bed with the dry Arizona air blowing in through the window. I just wanted to be home. When I was home I could finally let out all of the tears.

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I walked into the empty apartment and sighed sadly. It was empty and lonely. Garrett wasn’t here and everything looked too put together to be real. I dropped my bags in the doorway and closed and locked the door. I climbed into a steaming shower and pulled my hair out of the messy bun it was in. I wanted to wash away the memory of the fight. I wanted to forget him telling me he hated me. I wanted to forget the false accusations and I wanted to forget the venom in his eyes and voice.

When I finally pulled myself out of the shower and wiped the fog from the mirror I couldn’t even look at myself. I wanted to be a stranger. I didn’t want to be me right now. I couldn’t be me right now.

I walked, or rather tiptoed, across Garrett’s floor and pulled a pair of shorts and a t-shirt out of his drawer. Even though they had just been washed, they smelled like him, just like his sheets did. It wasn’t a scent I could pinpoint. It wasn’t something specific—it was just Garrett. It wasn’t soap or cologne. It was just the scent of his skin.

I climbed into his bed that he had left unmade and tricked myself into thinking he was there; into thinking he was there to comfort me as I finally let the tears escape. The sobs made me shake and I just wanted to scream. I missed him. I fucked things up. If he never spoke to me again it would be my fault.

I fell asleep imagining that I was curled up in his arms. I imagined his arms wrapped
around me, comforting me. I almost believed it was true