Please Don't Forgive Me

“Come on,” he said pulling me up off of the couch. “You have a doctor’s appointment.” I groaned inwardly. Garrett had taken it upon himself to make me a doctor’s appointment while he was still home. “Anika, come on,” he pleaded.

“I don’t want to go Garrett. I don’t feel so great.” That was an understatement. He seemed to think that since I was eating for two he should cook me breakfast even when I swore up and down that I wasn’t hungry. Now my stomach was doing flip-flops and bile kept inching its way up my esophagus. “The movement of the car will only make me sick.”

“You still have to go to a doctor Ani. Just like you have to eat. It’s all for the baby.” He was so sweet it could be sickening. I wasn’t mad at him—he had done nothing wrong—but I was capable of making my own appointments.

“Fine,” I said disgruntled. I stood from the couch swallowing hard to force anything back down. He took my hand and grabbed his car keys from the counter. The air was hot and dry even though it was early November. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me to his side. The heat was absolutely nauseating and Garrett’s added body heat was no help.

He opened the passenger side door for me and I thanked him. He closed it and walked around to get in the driver’s seat and start the car. I blasted the air as high as it would go earning a disapproving look from Garrett. “I’m nauseous,” I stated quickly. “The heat doesn’t help.” He nodded and held my one hand in his. We drove to the doctor’s office with a comfortable silence forming around us. “How are we going to do this Garrett?” I asked as he pulled into the parking lot. He parked, turned off the car and looked at me.

“We’re in love,” he stated as if it were that simple. My lips curved up slightly into a smile. “We’re in love. We can figure the rest out as we go.” I grinned in spite of myself and squeezed his hand before getting out of the car.

“And if we don’t figure it out?” I asked as he took my hand again, walking toward the building. He shrugged and turned to look at me.

“Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out. No one said the road wouldn’t have bumps in it, but we’ll get past them.” I smiled as he dropped my hand to put and arm around my waist. We opened the door to the office and walked in. As scared as I was, I believed him.

All of the women in the office were older than me; save for a few frightened, scattered teenage girls dispersed throughout the packed office. I was caught between teenager and adult—not even twenty-one yet. Sensing my panic, Garrett gave my hand a reassuring squeeze like he had the last time he had taken me to a doctor’s office.

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We waited a half hour before my name was called. We walked hand in hand through the office into the back to an exam room. The nurse stood there holding a chart going through a list of questions. “About how far along do you think you are?” she asked. I thought back to the last time I could remember having my period.

“Maybe two, two and a half months.” She noted it on the chart and told me a doctor would be with me shortly to do a sonogram to confirm that I was indeed pregnant. She left the room and closed the door roughly, muttering under her breath.

“It’ll be alright,” Garrett reassured me, squeezing my hand. I nodded slowly and looked up at the clock. Garrett wasn’t thinking what I was; he didn’t realize what I knew. I knew the nurse was judging me. Having an abortion in July and being pregnant again by November didn’t seem classy in the slightest. It seemed downright trashy.

The doctor finally came into the room with a smile on her face. “Sorry for the wait,” she greeted. “I was over at the hospital. I’m Dr. Miller.” She extended her hand for each of us to shake. “And you must be Anika, is this your husband?” she asked gesturing to Garrett.

“I’m her boyfriend actually,” he replied while wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

“It’s nice to see someone so young be so responsible and supportive. We don’t see that often in this line of work.” I smiled up at Garrett and he moved his hands up and down, rubbing my arms to calm me. “Now, Anika, why don’t you lay down and lift your shirt up so that we can do a sonogram.” I did as I was asked and Garrett took hold of my hand.

The cold gel made me think of last time I had been in a doctor’s office and I fought to push that out of my mind. This was entirely different. I wanted this baby. I would love this baby. This wasn’t like last time. “Look,” Garrett whispered into my ear. “Don’t you want to see?” I nodded and turned to the screen. My baby was growing inside me, twitching around on the screen.

“That noise you hear is the heartbeat,” Dr. Miller informed us. As she moved the transducer over on my stomach another sound could be heard and another twitching fetus could be seen. “It looks like twins.” I could feel the tears pour from my eyes. I wasn’t sure if they were happy tears or sad tears, but they were tears nonetheless.

“Shh,” Garrett whispered wiping my tears away. The doctor printed the image from the screen and handed it to us.

“You can make your next appointment at the front desk,” she informed us, handing the picture to Garrett. He made the appointment and led me out into the car where we both broke into tears looking at the image.

“I love you, so much,” he whispered into my ear. “I love you all so much. You and my two children,” he added, moving his hand down to my stomach. My breath caught in my throat and I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to do this alone when he left again. And he would leave again. And he probably wouldn’t be here when I went into labor, when I gave birth, when they said their first words, took their first steps, or when they celebrated their first birthday. I had support, yes. I had a responsible, caring guy, yes. But I was still alone.