Please Don't Forgive Me

“Daddy!” Emma smiled, her eyes lighting up. She had never seen him on stage before and she was now beyond ecstatic. I was trying to hold her in place but she kept trying to run away.

“Emma, you have to stay here,” I warned her.

“But Daddy’s right there,” she replied annoyed. I nodded and pulled her back a little bit.

“I know, but he’s busy. You have to stay here.” She crossed her arms over her chest and turned around, clearly mad at me. She stood in her place until the song was over, and then she ran onto the stage. “Emma!” I yelled. “Emma, get back here!” Halvo stood behind me laughing as I sent him a glare.

“He’s not gonna care Ana. Just let her go.” I grunted and turned to Halvo.

“Can you hold her for a second?” I asked, passing Addison off to Halvo. “Thanks, so much. And just keep an eye on Morgan, please?” He nodded and I ran off to find the nearest bathroom. I was sure that Garrett would drag Emma back to Eric and it would all be fine when I went back. I was also sure that the stomach acid and food forcing their way up my esophagus wouldn’t be contained within my body for much longer.

“Anika?” Eric asked as I ran, ducking into the bathroom. I opened the door to the first stall and was sick the moment I was leaning over the toilet. This was hard enough at home; hard enough when I was on tour with them before I had other kids to worry about. Now it seemed downright impossible to deal with. I wiped my mouth with a piece of toilet paper, flushed and made way back to side stage.

“Sorry,” I mumbled taking Addison back from Halvo.

“Where’d you run off to?” he asked confused. I shrugged and looked around.

“Where’s Emma?” he nodded and pointed across to where Garrett was on stage. “He’s letting her stay out there?” I asked in shock.

“Yup. He invited Morgan out, but he wouldn’t go without your permission.”

“Well at least one of them listens,” I sighed. I placed my hand that wasn’t around Addison on my stomach. The nauseous feeling wouldn’t let up today. It was the stress added on top of it all. I couldn’t keep anything down, and Garrett had insisted I eat before their set. I ate and threw it all back up ten minutes later.

“Everyone knows, you know.” I nodded and boosted Addison up higher. “You should be happier.”

“I am happy,” I sighed. “I’m just stressed.” He nodded and took Addison from me again. “This life is just getting really stressful. I can’t do it all on my own. And being with Garrett again, even if it is on tour, is helpful, but a tour bus isn’t a great place to raise kids.” I sighed loudly and mouthed a ‘thank you’ to Garrett as he sent Emma back over to me. I was not cut out for this. This wasn’t me.

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“You’re really not going to eat anything?” Garrett sighed after their set. I shook my head ‘no’ and sat down at the table on the bus. The kids had already fallen asleep in the back and now Garrett was trying to force feed me.

“I’m not hungry Garret. Okay, well I’m hungry, but I’m nauseous. If I eat I’ll just throw it back up. And you know the movement of the bus doesn’t help. It’s not like I’ve never been pregnant on a bus before.” I sighed and put my head down on the table.

“Maybe you should see a doctor,” he suggested stroking my hair. I shook my head again.

“Nothing’s wrong Garrett. This is just stressful. I’m just nauseous. I’m just really, really stressed and you don’t understand that,” I rambled annoyed and tired. “You just don’t get it,” I yelled quietly.

“Then help me understand,” he sighed. “Tell me. Tell me whatever is bothering you. Whatever it is that’s going on in that head of yours.”

“Garrett, that’s a lot to explain. And you won’t understand so it doesn’t matter anyway.” I looked away and sighed.

“Well try Anika. At least try to make me understand.” I nodded and started to think of a way to explain.

“Look, this life is just stressful as it is. Then throw in a bunch of kids and me being pregnant and Dane coming back and work and you being gone and it’s just so much,” I sighed starting to choke up.

“I know it’s crazy, but we knew what to expect Ani. We knew what we were signing up for.” I put my head down on the table and shook my head.

“It isn’t supposed to be this hard,” I coughed. “It shouldn’t be this difficult.”

“What are you saying?” he asked slightly annoyed.

“I’m not saying anything.”

“What are you implying?”

“I am not implying anything,” I answered sternly. And then he did something I didn’t expect. He stood up and walked away. “Where are you going?” I choked.

“I’m giving you the space that you’re too freaking chicken to ask for. If you need it then just tell me, alright?”

“But I don’t need space Garrett. I need you!”

“No, Anika, you don’t know what you want. You never have, and now you need to figure it out. You’re like a rollercoaster.”

“What?” I cried. He wasn’t making any sense, but then again that could have just been me. I wanted him. I wanted normality. But they didn’t go together.