Please Don't Forgive Me

“Mommy! Daddy!” Emma and Morgan screamed jumping up and down on our bed. It was six thirty on Christmas morning and they were eager to open presents.

“What time is it?” Garrett groaned rolling over.

“Six twenty-eight,” I sighed. “Way too early to function.” I sighed and sat up, “be careful,” I warned Emma and Morgan.

“Presents?” they asked in unison. I nodded and nudged Garrett.

“Come on. I’m up, Garrett. So you need to get up too.” He sighed and climbed out of bed.

“Daddy’s cranky,” Emma pouted. I smiled, laughed and dragged her out of the room.

“No, he just wanted to sleep a little bit later.” Garrett was already sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee when I ushered the kids in. “Gar, can you please make me a cup of coffee while I go get Addison before she starts screaming?”

“Yeah, sure.” He trudged over to the coffee maker as I walked into the kids’ room to get Addison. She was already awake and sitting up in her crib waiting for someone to pay attention to her.

“Merry Christmas Addy,” I smiled at her. She smiled back and pulled herself up on the bars of the crib.

”Merry Christmas Anika. Good Morning, happy holidays Mr. and Mrs. Albert,” Garrett called walking into my parents’ house.

“Mommy, can we please open presents now?” Emma begged dragging out the word please. I nodded and sat Addison down on the floor.

”Hey Gar, what’s in the box?” I asked with a small laugh.

“Your Christmas present,” he smiled triumphantly.

“But I didn’t get you anything. We agreed on not exchanging gifts. Garrett, I can’t accept a gift if I can’t afford to give you one in return.” He sighed and shoved the box into my hands.

“Come on, let’s see what Santa brought you guys,” I said excitedly, smirking at Garrett.

”Just take the damn gift Ani,” he sighed after we’d gone upstairs.

“I have nothing for you. It isn’t right. I refuse to open it on principle.” I remained sure of my decision and he sighed loudly again.

“Then just think that Santa Claus brought it here. It isn’t from me; it’s from some fat guy with a long white beard.” I laughed and shook my head. “Why can’t you just accept the damn gift?” he asked frustrated. “Look, I wanted to get you something. I’m leaving on tour right after New Years and I’m gonna miss you. Just take it.” When I continued to refuse he unwrapped the box on his own and made me close my eyes.

“Why? Why can’t you just accept that I don’t want to accept the gift?” I yelled. When I opened my eyes he looked upset. I had yelled at him for something entirely out of his control.

“You’ll just never fucking get it, will you?” he replied, clearly a little perturbed.

“What am I supposed to get? You’re my best friend. What more is there to get? You’re a little bit pushy and you try to over compensate for not being here all the time. You don’t have to Garrett. You’re the only person I trust completely and I love you just the same whether you’re here or across the country.”

“You’re so fucking stupid sometimes Anika! You just don’t get it!”

“If I don’t fucking get it then just tell me! Alright? Stop fighting; you know I hate fighting.” I inhaled and tried to steady my breathing because I didn’t want to cry.

“It doesn’t fucking matter anymore. What the fuck is your problem lately?”

“You’re my problem Garrett. Every time we try to talk, this happens. We fight and scream and yell until we just can’t anymore. I’ve been trying to tell you the same damn thing for the last six months and you haven’t paid attention for more than five seconds at a time. You’re always trying to make up for leaving me when you go on tour, because you know how hard it is to live with my parents. You don’t listen to me!” I screamed.

“Well then what the fuck is it that you’ve been trying to say? Because I’ve just been trying to be a good friend,” he yelled.

“I’ve been trying to tell you that I’m leaving. Molly wants to go back to Germany. We’re leaving in January. When you leave this time it’s really goodbye,” I said softer.

“Ani, I’m sorry,” he mumbled trying to hug me.

“Fuck you Garrett. Just go the fuck away from me!” He took a step back with his hands up in the air.

“I hope you like your fucking gift.” He walked down the stairs and out the door. I watched from my window as he unlocked the door to his yellow car, looked up at my window, and then climbed in and drove away.

“A doll!” Emma squealed excitedly.

“A toy truck!” Morgan exclaimed excitedly. They’d reached the end of their gift piles and I hadn’t even touched my coffee.

“You okay?” Garrett asked pulling me out of my trance. I nodded slowly and gently touched the half-heart charm on the piece of string on my wrist. It was my half of a best friends’ bracelet and I’d been wearing it since I was seventeen. I knew that wasn’t all that had been in that small box, but it was the only part I was brave enough to care about at seventeen.

“Just thinking.” He reached over to grab my hand and he rubbed small circles into my palm.

“You may have wanted to hate me, but I never hated you. I swear.” I smiled softly and took a sip of my lukewarm coffee.