Please Don't Forgive Me

“Why do you think it’s your fault?” I shouted. It hurt my throat it was so loud and so venomous. It was a voice I had never used with Garrett—at least not seriously.

“I wasn’t here!” he replied. I turned away from him and stood up, crossing my room and plopping in the chair in the corner. “Oh, Ani, come on. Don’t be like this. We both know if I was here it wouldn’t have happened. I would have been home and I would have heard something.” He sighed and pleaded.

“You sleep like a fucking log. You wouldn’t have heard anything. And it doesn’t even matter!”

“Yes it does Anika! If I had been here you would have been safe. I would have known that he gave you the creeps.” I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him. It wasn’t his fault, but he felt the need to continually blame himself. As much as I wanted to be angry at his persistence, I just wanted to crawl back into his arms and cry. Garrett was the only person I felt safe with now.

“Just shut up Garrett! I don’t think it’s your fault and I don’t blame you, so just drop it,” I stated sharply walking back to my bed. I sat next to him again cross-legged and stared out the window.

“It’s my fault. I just know that it is.”

"Garrett! For the millionth time, what happened to me was not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong." I knew he would disagree again, so I sighed, fell back on my bed and gave up. He would blame himself until the end of eternity for something that he had nothing to do with. The only thing he did was make it better.

"You needed me and I was gone."

“But I needed you more after, and you were here then.” I sat back up and put my head on his shoulder. “It happened and the only person to blame is Dane. He was crazy. But you found me. You’re the reason that I’m still here, and the reason I didn’t give up.”

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Garrett spent the rest of the afternoon just sitting there with me—occasionally arguing about whose fault everything was. “You know we have to leave soon, right?” he mumbled, looking over at me. I was laying across my bed on my back staring up at the ceiling. I nodded slowly. I didn’t want him to leave again. “I know you want me to stay, but we had to reschedule the last part of the tour. We still have a few shows to make up, and we’re starting another tour.” I nodded again, knowing he would be gone for two and a half months.

“I know,” I sighed heavily. I looked over to see him propped up on his elbow. “It’s your job. I know you have to leave. I’ll be okay. I always am.” I faked a smile and looked back at the ceiling. When he left, it wouldn’t be easy. When he left, I would probably lock myself in the apartment and never leave.

“I want you to come with us this time.” I laughed at his idea. “I don’t want to leave you here alone. Not again.” I looked at him again and saw how serious he really was.

“Garrett,” I began, “I don’t want to go on tour with you guys.” Living in a tour bus wasn’t exactly my idea of a good time. Maybe when I was in a band in like eleventh grade it sounded awesome, but I was an adult now. “I really don’t.”

“Anika, you’re coming with us.”

“Isn’t the entire purpose of us living together so that you don’t have to find someone to take care of your home when you’re touring?”

“It was, but you’re more important than dust accumulating on the furniture.” I rolled my eyes at him and closed my eyes. I was done for today. I didn't want to dwell on what happened last time he was gone and what would happen next time he left. I didn't need to. I knew I would end up on a tour bus with a bunch of guys and very few opportunities to shower.