Just When We Learned How To Live

Adam

It's crazy. I still can't believe Matt forgives me, just like that. I don't deserve him..I even had the gall to plead for him to stay here. I considered dropping out of college! But now the doctors roll me to another room, a cold, unkind room. A lady in all brown and sharp eyes is sitting by a desk, pen and paper in hand.

"Hello Adam. I'm Doctor Dante. I'm going to be asking you a few questions, so just answer them the best you can, alright?" I nod, intimidated and scared. "Have you ever been sexually violated?"

Shocked, I answer, "No! Why would you even ask that?" She clicks her tongue and scribbles on the legal pad.

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself before?" I nod, "But hasn't everyone? I mean, I never really thought seriously..about..it?" She doesn't look like she's paying attention, she's scribbling again.

"Have you ever thought about hurting someone else?" I shake my head, knowing that if I say, well duh! She'll figure I'm crazy. "And have you ever abused drugs before?"

I nod, "Well, yeah. This past year..I had a..uhm, mild addiction to Ritalin, but everything's okay. And I've used uh, pot before. But only like a few times." I figure it's good to be honest. She doesn't say anything, just keeps writing. This is irritating. "Can I go? You don't really care about me anyways.."

She looks up at me with sharp eyes. "Is that what you think, Adam?" She shakes her head and writes some more. GAH! A million questions later, she tells me I can go back to my room. I wheel outside and a doctor walks me back.

An hour or so later, two men in paramedic garb come in with a doctor. He looks at me sadly. "Adam, you're being placed in an institution for suicidal people, ages 14-19. Your, uh, boyfriend is outside, and we'd like you to tell him. We'll contact your parents."

I gasp, shocked. "But I don't need to go! I swear, I'm fine! Please..please, doctor, I don't want to go!"

He just shakes his head and the people help me onto a stretcher they brought into the room. A bit much, don't you think? "I can walk," I spit at them, but one just answers that it's a 'safety precaution'. Whatever.

A moment later they wheel me into the hall and Matt is standing there, looking broken. "Adam? They..they're taking you?"

I nod, feeling tears well up. "Matt, I-I don't want to go! Tell them not to take me!" Matt starts to cry and grabs me in a hug.

"Adam..I don't know what to do anymore. You were the only part of me that felt stable and now it's all going to hell..Adam, please..just go." I shake my head and he lets me go. "Just go, Adam. You need to get help..god..don't we all?" I stare in shock. How can he just let them take me?

"Matt..how can you just..stand there? I love you, Matt.." Matt crumples and a doctor helps him up.

"Adam..I.." But the paramedics wheel me away and as the doors start to close on the ambulance, I see him struggling to get past the doctors.

"Adam! Wait, Adam! I love you!" And he's trying to rescue me, so I try to climb out of the stretcher but it's strapped across my arms and legs. They put a sedative in my arm and everything is fuzzy.

I can hear Matt crying. "Matt.." I say, not quite conscience but just enough so to know where I am.

Soon, or maybe hours later, the vehicle stops and they're opening the door, letting me out. It's cold outside and I can feel a breeze. They let me walk and I stumble at first, woozy. Then I realize where I am. There's a group of some kids in a large room to the right and they're staring at me.

A girl smiles kindly and I ignore her. They sign me in and bring me into a room where they ask me lots of questions and check my temperature and heart rate. Once I get back into the room I was in, most of the lights are out and the people are gone.

A round lady leads me to a room across the hall and opens it. There are two beds that I can see from the light coming from the front desk. A black boy rolls over and the woman tells him that he has a new roommate and shoves me in the room.

The boy rolls back over and I can hear his soft breathing, telling me that he's asleep again. I turn towards the bathroom that is in the little corner where the two doors are. The door doesn't lock and I turn the light on, the cold ceramic freezing my feet.

Looking into the mirror that is covered with plastic, I stare at my reflection. How could everything change so drastically in so short of a time?

After a minute I go back into the room and find a pair of pj's and a shirt with a cat on it. I change and lay down in the single bed, the sheets crinkling so loud I'm surprised that the other boy doesn't wake up. I lay there the whole night, sobbing quietly.

I fall asleep near morning and I wake to a woman with a needle and cup. She takes my blood and I have to pee in the cup. After that I lay back in bed, not quite falling asleep but insure of what to do, so I wait for the other boy to get up. He doesn't and I hear other voices outside.

After a while someone opens the door, a girl who looks like she's about 15 or so. "Uhm..Mr. Farber wants me to wake you guys up, since it's your first day, you got to sleep in."

I nod and sit up. The other boy does, too and the girl leaves. It's a bit awkward and I introduce myself. "Uhm, hi. I'm..Adam."

He smiles a bit. "I'm Toby."

I get up and check my hair in the mirror, unused to waking up here and not being able to get dressed the way I want! "I was uhm..laying awake. I wasn't sure if I should get up or not..?"

He chuckles. "Yeah, I was awake, too. I was a little bit..afraid, I wasn't sure what to do."

I smile a bit and he opens the door, so I follow him. A group of other kids are on sofa's arranged around a long light wooden table in the middle of the huge room I saw yesterday. I sit down on a couch opposite of the one Toby sits on next to a pierced 'butch' girl, with a nose piercing and eyebrow piercing.

She has short orange hair and is a little overweight and mean. I don't say anything and shiver uncontrollably, scared for no reason. I think it's a reaction to all the drugs they had pumped into me. I want to see Matt.

Among the group of kids are the girl who opened the door, another girl with long brown hair who has a long line going across her throat that makes me want to cringe, and two other boys, one who isn't talking and has crazy muscles, and another who's skinny and hyper with an afro thing going on with his bright blue hair.

A lady with long blond hair walks into the room and takes my blood pressure. Then she announces that we're going to breakfast and we all walk in our pajamas and night clothes down long scary looking halls until we reach a small cafe about the size of my room. A table at the side has a variety of cheap breakfast choices and I sit at a table with froot loops, not looking at anyone or talking.

Once finished, we head back to the room and they leave us alone. I'm sitting on one end of the couch when the girl who came into the room earlier sits down next to me. "So, what're you in here for, anyways?"

I shudder a little and hold out my left arm. "Oh.." She says softly. "Why'd you do it?"

I shrug. "My..my..everything was falling apart. Matt..left, for good I thought." She nods and I look closely. "You're not freaked out, right? That I'm gay?" She giggles a little and I stare.

"Oh, you really don't know? Here..everyone is 'sexually challenged', as the doctors put it." She uses quotation marks with her fingers.

I'm confused. "Wait, this is just for like, suicidal people, right?"

She shakes her head. "Nope, it's for the suicidal gay people. Believe me, they don't come right out and say it, but it's very heavily hinted that we're to be 'fixed'."

I gasp, getting angry. "Fixed? What the fuck?" She nods sadly and I sit there, wondering how long it will be before they consider me fixed and let me out.