Just When We Learned How To Live

Matt

Running down the street, I lean against a building and catch my breathe. How could he? I can't believe..I thought he loved me like I love him..It's still all so shocking. Thinking a little deep down, a voice inside me says, 'You know he didn't mean to, he still loves you,' . I reply angrily to myself like the schizo that I am, 'He still cheated on me! And he was high!'

'Yes, but he obviously had no idea what was happening...did he even sleep with the guy?' I pause, unsure. Did he? Gah! I can't stand this..I need to go back. Walking back to the dorm, their are ambulances all around. Terrified, I try to get past the group of people gathered around. "What's going on?" I ask a short guy with black hair.

He shrugs. "I guess some idiot tried to kill himself, someone said he's already dead." I gasp, telling myself not to jump to conclusions. After the ambulances pull away, I run up to Adam's room, but the door is locked. I knock and no one answers. Pushing on the door with my shoulder, I heave all my weight against it and it bursts open. I go around checking every room, really not sure what I would find, but gag when I reach the open bathroom.

My first real thought is 'blood'. There's so much blood, and glass..The mirror is broken and blood is on the floor, drying. I drop to my knees before the scene. Adam..where's Adam? I run back out the dorm and ask the first person I see where the closest hospital is. I run there and in a short while, I'm outside Sunny General Hospital, panting.

Reaching the front desk, I ask if Adam Johnson has been admitted. She asks me if I'm family and I say I'm his boyfriend. Looking me up and down, she tells me, "Adam Johnson is in the emergency room, in critical condition." I tremble and sit down in the waiting room.

An hour passes so slowly, and soon another is gone. The door opens and a doctor comes out. "Are you the boy's..erm..boyfriend?" I nod, my face white, prepared to hear the worst news of my life. "Well, Mr. Johnson is stable and should be alright, but we're admitting him to the local psychiatric ward for evaluation. Depending on which, we'll see if he can go home or if he should be retained."

I look at the floor, feeling like absolute shit. "Can I see him?" The doctor nods and I'm lead to a white room, where Adam is laying on his side.

The doctor rushes over. "Adam, I'm only going to tell you once more, don't lay like that or the stitches can come undone." Adam sits up against the pillows and sees me. His face goes ever whiter than it was before. The doctor notices and murmurs something about the lady in the next room before leaving.

I speak first. "Adam..why?" He looks down, ashamed.

Walking over and touching his hair, he flinches. "I'm sorry." He whispers, a single tear streaking his face.

I pull him into a hug. "Adam..I just want to say I forgive you..for the whole..cheating on me thing. I know it wasn't your idea..I know that you regret it. I know. But I can never forgive you for doing this to me. For almost.." I choke a little on a sob. "For almost killing yourself."

Adam looks at me, surprised. "You..forgive me? But..I cheated on you, Matt! You..you should hate me, not love me!"

I shake my head. "I could never hate you, Adam. Just please, promise me that once you get out of here, you'll never do drugs..never hurt me again like that. Please.."

Adam nods feverishly and says, "I promise, I will never again." Well, that sounds familiar.

We sit there for a few minutes and Adam looks at me. "When are they letting me out?"

I shrug. "They're going to run some tests..like mind tests to see if they want you to..go yet. They're worried that you'll hurt yourself again."

He looks sad. "I don't want to be put in a mental asylum, Matt.."

I shrug again, looking down. "Matt, when..if I get out, what will happen? Do you go back to New York? Do I stay here? What?" I don't know and I say just that. Adam gets frustrated. "Matt..I don't want to lose you again. I'll..I'll drop out if you want me to. Just give me the slightest inclination, and I will. It doesn't matter."

I look up, horrified. "Adam! I don't want you to drop out of college! I just..I want some time to figure things out. I think that I'll go back to New York soon..and you continue at school. When things are a little bit clearer, I'll..I'll call you or something, okay?" Adam looks devastated.

A doctor walks in, "Uhm, we have to run those tests, now. Would you be kind enough to wait outside? It may take awhile, so if you want to leave, please do so and Adam will contact you as soon as possible."

I shake my head. "I'll wait."