I Swear I'd Do It All Again

I couldn't sleep last night
I walked alone
On the beach
Where we always used to go
When we couldn't hook up at home

I shoved my hands deeper in my hoodie’s pockets as I sulked along in the sand, feet dragging, barely seeming to keep up with the rest of me. Why was I even on this beach? This was our beach…our refuge when we couldn’t be alone at home. Or when things got bad there. We would come out here, holding hands all the way, and just collapse onto the sand, staring up at the dark, majestic sky. Even when we were little kids, we’d run down to this beach at night. It’s just always been a thing of ours. So why am I walking this beach that we walked so many times before, trying so hard to not think of you?

I thought of you
And the time we jumped the fence
Pool-side, stripped down
We dove right in
And the cops chased us again

Just a little down the road from here is the memory of our first kiss. The adrenaline of being chased. Of jumping our friend’s fence. Of knowing that he wouldn’t have any idea that we were swimming in his pool after running from the cops. I still don’t know if it was just that – the adrenaline – or if it was something else that day, that just pulled us towards each other in the water until I was running my hands down your back and you were tangling your hands in my hair.

When you were mine
You know
We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
the one you lost
I couldn't get enough

From that point on, everything in my life change. I’d love to go as far to say that the same happened for you, but I’m not sure how much exactly changed for you. I didn’t know what to think about it all. You’re my little brother for Christ’s sake. I wasn’t supposed to feel that towards you and you weren’t supposed to feel like that for me. But we did…and we found ourselves coming down to this beach more often than not because we didn’t want Mom and Dad to find out about us. What would they have thought of us? Their sons, not only gay, but in love with each other? They probably wouldn’t have taken that very well. So, instead, we constantly were seeking refuge on this beach just as we did as children. Except, now we’d lay even closer and loose ourselves in each other.

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you

Four years of this…affair, if you will. No one but the two of us knew anything about it, and that’s the way we liked it. How were we ever able to pull that off? How did nobody else ever figure it out? Keeping that to ourselves couldn’t have been healthy. I was bad for you…but you were just as bad for me. Who’s to blame for that? Us? Or is it the people that pushed us further into each other’s grips? Our parents? Are they the fault of this? All of those fights…the ones that made us run away and go to the beach like we did. Maybe they really are to blame. What do you think? Oh, why am I asking you? You can’t answer me; you’re gone. Gone from my life, gone from yours, gone from this world. I’ve never spent more than a month without you since I was one. How am I going to live without you for the rest of my life? Especially now?

Today, dressed up
In designer drugs
Dedicated to the one
I'll always love
The one who really messed me up

I stopped walking and leaned on one of the poles sticking up out of the sand that held the pier up above me, looking up at the sky that we would always loose ourselves in. It was a clear, but pitch black night and it reminded me so much of the last time we escaped to somewhere other than our bedrooms. But it also reminded me of the last time I saw you take a breath of air. Laying in my arms, face losing color, struggling to tell me what you really wanted to say to me.”I…I love you. I shouldn’t, b-but I do. I will always love the one who really messed me up. An-and that…that’s you, Hunter.” My name: the last thing on your lips. Your last breath was used to say it. But he’s right…I messed you up, just as you messed me up. And I’ll always love the one who really messed me up too.

I let you take the wheel
And the driver's seat
Strapped in
So you get the best of me
Now what's left are the memories

The first and only time that I took you driving: I hate myself for it. This is all my fault, really…I should have known better then to do that to you while you were driving. You had only just gotten your license two months before. You were a good driver, yea, but even the best of them can be dangerous when distracted. And, boy, was I being distracting that day. But it was just so tempting; the way you looked with your hair flying over your face and that adorable look in your eyes that reminded me of a happy little puppy. Then there was the shudder than ran down your spine as I slid my hand up your leg. The way you looked at me after that; with a sort of hunger in your eyes. And the sound of metal-on-metal, screams, and the snap of bones.

When you were mine
You know
We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

I sunk down to sitting position in the soft sand and took in a deep, shaky breath, trying to keep myself from crying. It worked for a little while, until I closed my eyes and saw it all over again. The only thing that worked in the long run was thinking about anything but that day. Like when you were nine and snuck into my room to crawl into bed with me. It wasn’t because you were scared or anything, it was just because you’d wanted to. Most ten year old boys would kick their younger brother out and back to his room, but we’ve always been close, haven’t we? That night was the first night we’d slept in the same bed.

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you

The first time we didn’t sleep in the same bed was the next memory that came through my mind. Your hands were like magic, lips like heaven, and moans like ecstasy. Mom and Dad were gone for the night, and as soon as the car pulled out of the driveway, I had my lips attached to yours. You pushed me over on the bed and had your hand on my chest attempting to keep me held down, but I was a lot stronger than you. I won by a long shot, because once I flipped you over onto your back, you couldn’t do the same when you tried to. “I win,” I mumbled, tangling my hand in your hair. You laughed and breathed out, “I don’t really care,” over top my lips.

I am standing in the ocean rain
Rough and ready
For your deadly game
I've got nowhere else to go

It had started to rain by the time I stood up and headed back towards our house. But I changed my mind and just stood there, in the middle of the empty beach, looking out at the beautiful ocean. I don’t know how long I was standing there, but after a while, the rain started coming down a lot harder, in turn, making the ocean seem harsher. The waves were coming farther and farther up the beach, crashing into the sand and spraying salty water all over the place, drenching me. I didn’t really care though. I also didn’t care when a humongous wave came smashing into me, dragging me with it. I’d never thought of suicide as an option before, but this didn’t really count, did it?

We had it all in front of us
You were the one
I was in love
But you always hurt
The one you lost
I couldn't get enough

I just fairly heard your voice in my head as the water brought me under, but I knew it was you. I’d recognize your voice anywhere, no matter what. You were yelling no and don’t go but I couldn’t help it. No matter how hard I fought against the waves, they wouldn’t give in. Eventually, I was too tired to do anything more, so I just gave up. A felt another smash of water and got dragged under again, this time not resurfacing. I couldn’t breathe, and when I tried to, the water rushed into my lungs, filling them, making everything go black. My last thought was of you. Of how much I loved you.

You were everything
That's bad for me
Make no apologies
I'm crushed...
Black and blue
But you know
I'd do it all again for you
(You know I'd do it all again)
(I swear I'd do it all again)