Say Anything

I could not believe I was actually here. I was more than out of place, and my anxiety was soon to be taking me over. It was loud, dark, and too many people were packed everywhere. I’d had no idea he could make it this far, with so many people behind him screaming his name.

It made my lips twitch into a frown as I realized that I wasn’t there standing by his side when all of this really started happening, like I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be next to Alex through everything. We were always there for each other. Well, he was there for me. I was there to cry on his shoulder when I was too weak. But we were supposed to always be together, even if he didn’t love me back, which was more than obvious in the way that he left me.

You said I could say anything Alex, so I did. I finally said something. I said what I wanted to, and look where it got me.

Alone. Just like I’ve always been, except now I didn’t even have you.

I can hardly explain to myself why I decided to come here tonight. Perhaps it was because this was their first home show since they left for their constant tours. Perhaps it was because Alex had been gone for two years now with his band. Perhaps it was because I was finally ready to see him again, even if it meant we wouldn’t get to talk.

He’d been gone two years. Two of the slowest years of my life, all without someone to depend on. I’d always depended on Alex, because he was the only person I had. But when he left, I had to depend on myself. I had to be strong, and realize that Alex was never going to be able to fix my problems. I was the only person who could do that. I finally decided I needed help.

And I got some. My arms were canvases still, but there wasn’t a fresh cut to be found. They were battle wounds of the darkest times of my life. Ironically, the darkest times of my life had been all those years spent crying on Alex’s shoulder, having him there for me and to look at me and tell me with his eyes that everything would be alright. It was when he left that I started making progress.

I still struggled to keep food in my stomach though. They told me it would always be a struggle, that I’d never really recover.

Well, I don’t think I’d ever really recover from Alex just walking away from me after I told him I loved him. Looks like the past never really goes away. It’ll always be a struggle, but that’s what makes succeeding every day without a slipup all the better.

I’d gone two years without a slipup of missing Alex; not calling him, not going after him. I never gave up on him, because I would always welcome him back with open arms no matter what. But I gave up on the hope that he would one day come back for me, and only me. Some things just aren’t meant to happen, I told myself. I knew it was true, but sometimes I just didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe Alex would come back for me someday, claiming that he made a mistake and that he was ready to be with me now.

Maybe he couldn’t be with me because I wasn’t ready to be with myself. Maybe if I had treated myself better back then, things would be all right now. If he wanted to love me, I had to love me. But maybe he just didn’t want to love me.

The stage was so far away from me. I really didn’t want to try and squeeze through all of the people crowding around, hoping to get as close as possible for when the boys came out on stage. I would have wanted to be right up there, if I was still on speaking terms with Alex. I would have probably had a panic attack from being too close to so many people, but I’d be right there next to the stage. I’d do anything to get closer to him. Does it show how badly I wanted him back?

I smelled the drinks in the hands of those around me. Sickly smelling cups of alcohol downed quickly and for entertainment. I watched as the people wasted their bodies away. But I wasn’t so different. I had destroyed myself long ago, wasting away my bones and flesh. They were both self-destructive habits. Here I was, comparing myself to the party-goers and alcoholics while I waited for Alex and his band to get on stage so I could see how much they had changed in the past two years.

I needed to see him. I felt my heart beating against my ribcage, thumping faster and faster as the seconds ticked on. I hoped that this would be a good show, but I knew that All Time Low couldn’t pull off anything but. Alex Gaskarth would never cease to surprise me as long as he lived. He proved that to me the night he left me. I never would have thought he could do that. But he did. And I was here tonight because I still cared about him goddamn it, and I wanted to see the man I had been in love with for years.

It got quiet all of a sudden, lights started flickering in all directions, and then everyone was screaming. I was in a bit of shock at first, then realized that this signaled the boys would be on stage in the next few minutes.

Sure enough, Rian took the stage first, and then Zack was out there. People were cheering and screaming their names. Jack came out next, wearing his signature goofy grin. Lastly, Alex came out. He still held that quiet arrogance about him, it was apparent in the way that he walked. He was just confident in everything he did, and he was damned if everyone wasn’t able to clearly see it.

I watched him, taking in his every single movement as he completed just the simple task of adjusting his mic stand. I was enthralled by him, my eyes wide and looking at how different he looked now. He was still Alex, but now he was grown-up Alex. He didn’t look like he was so immature anymore, like he could always be the person who he was around me.

He had always been mature and caring and giving when he was with me, and it just looked like maybe that’s how he was all the time now, just in the way he sincerely smiled out to the crowd, earning a roar of screams. He laughed, looking over to Jack while they had that silly little conversation with their eyes, and then all of a sudden music was playing.

It took me a half second to realize the music was coming from their own instruments. I was too wrapped up in staring at Alex to register anything besides how he looked.

I didn’t remember any of these songs, but then again, it had been two years since I heard anything of theirs. I guessed that they had been doing some new recording and maybe put out a new album. As much as I had always wanted to, I never let myself buy an All Time Low CD. When Alex left, everything left with him. I didn’t want to hold on to him by listening to his old songs. This was a clean break, and I tried harder than anything to not let things get in the way of that.

But obviously things were getting in the way if I found it impossible to forget and move on from him without the aid of obsessively listening to his voice. Things were never going to be the same without him in my life.

The show was amazing, of course. It was beyond my belief, but then again, I had no other shows to compare it to. The night was safe in my memory now for me to remember time and time again when I was alone and missing my past. Alex and the guys were just hanging out on the stage talking now, their silly conversations audible to the crowd via their microphones.

Jack said something along the lines of, “Yeah, c’mon, bring her out!” to Alex, who was only smiling like an idiot, his eyes lighting up in the way I hadn’t seen them do in so long.

A pretty girl walked out onto the stage, blushing a little, but not embarrassed. She was tall, close to Alex’s height as she stood beside him now, the both of them grinning. My heart suddenly dropped, because their smiles gave it all away.

Alex started speaking before I had the chance to think of anything else.

“This here,” he said into the mic, looking out at the crowd and then back to the girl next to him, “is Macy. Macy is a great girl; she’s funny, and smart, and pretty,” he told everyone, smiling and blushing himself a little, looking over to Macy. She was smiling and looking at him, her hand finding his.

“Macy and I have been together for a year and a half now--”

I wondered why he was telling us this. None of us cared. I certainly didn’t care. I didn’t want to hear how much Alex liked this girl. Alex needed to like me. He was supposed to like me. Alex was meant to be with me, not her.

Alex was meant for me, because he was always there for me. He listened, and helped, and comforted, and put up with me. I was meant for him because I brought out the best in him. I brought out how mature and caring he was, when everyone else was still too immature to be any of those things.

He was still talking though, and I decided that maybe I should give him a listen. My legs were suddenly pulling me forward, foot by foot as I neared closer to the stage. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I wanted to be close to the stage now when he talked. Maybe I could pretend he was just talking to me, and not the other hundred-something people here.

“I love Macy,” he said.

I wished I hadn’t started listening again.

Macy was smiling, and I could tell this was nothing she hadn’t heard before. Alex was smiling, too.

“This is our first hometown show in two years, guys, you know. So we thought we’d do something special. Or at least I thought I’d do something special.”

I didn’t have a very good feeling about this all of a sudden. I didn’t like the direction this was going in, with the way he was suddenly pulling something out of his pocket. A little tiny box, and I knew exactly what was in it. I may have not seen Alex since the day he left me, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew what he was doing, yet I couldn’t get away from the stage now. I was close, only a few rows away from where Alex was standing up on stage.

My eyes were locked on his, but he was looking at Macy, asking her “So Macy, will you make this night special?” while showing her the diamond that was sparkling inside the box.

She didn’t say anything for a moment, her eyes only wide while she stared at the box. Alex looked at her, waiting for an answer while his eyes decided they were bored and scanned the crowd.

Did you tell her she could say anything, Alex? Did you tell her you would promise to listen? Did you tell her you would never leave?

Or did you tell her to never say anything at all?

I stopped breathing when I looked into his eyes, and found them looking right back into mine.

The way his arms relaxed and dropped to his side for a moment, only to be held up again, told me he knew who I was. He knew. The way his eyes looked serious now, not as happy as they had a moment ago before he spotted me. His mouth was pressed into a hard line. I could see it all in just the way he lost his composure for just a moment. Fortunately he regained it before anyone but the two of us would catch on.

Macy had the ring on her finger now, and the way Alex wasn’t smiling as much as he should have been said it all.

I was still looking at him, starting intently into those eyes I used to know so well.

Alex, I know you know this isn’t right.

I watched as they shared a brief kiss, and everyone in the crowd either awed, or cheered. They were happy for him. I wanted to be happy, too, but it was hard when I wanted him to break this off and say this was all a joke, and that he didn’t mean any of it. I wanted him to leave, to just walk away from her, just like he did to me.

Tears were welling up in my eyes as I watched them. It broke my heart to see this only a few feet in front of me, but I just couldn’t look away.

“I love you,” Alex said confidently. He was supposed to be saying this to his new fiancé, but I couldn’t help but think it was terribly wrong to be saying those words, when he was looking right at me.

I suddenly found myself wishing he would just say anything to me.

But he did. He did just say something. He just told me he loved me.