Thanks For Breaking Me

Dear Shane,

I don’t know how you did it but somehow I fell in love with you without ever having you to love.

Six years I wasted on liking you. Six years that I’ll never get back. That’s all four years of high school plus the two before. Isn’t that just pathetic?

There were times when I felt you didn’t like me at all in middle school. Ever… and I don’t blame you. I was really… weird in seventh and eighth grade. I mean… at the end of eighth grade when you broke your leg I thought that it happened because I had a dream about it during basketball season. Go figure you broke it while playing basketball but… it was so stupid. Like… I cried over it. That was just ridiculous.

Then high school rolled around. We talked online on a regular basis and when we talked it was usually for a long time. There were few times when our conversations lagged. I counted you as one of my best friends but I wasn’t exactly sure if you felt the same way. You didn’t know it, but each conversation made me like you more and more. I was drawn to you like a magnet. No one else interested me but you.

There was a time when I thought you liked me in junior year. I remember it. It was May, it was our retreat day, and all of the juniors were wearing blue. One of our activities was to learn to ballroom dance. We could dance with whoever we wanted. You passed over Lisa and Catherine and Becky who were prettier than me and who all liked you too to ask me to be your partner. I was shocked. But I liked it. We were laughing and tripping and having so much fun. And then my little sister came over and took a picture acting like a dork but you laughed so it was okay.

I also remember what else happened that day. I asked you to prom. And you said that you weren’t going that year because you went the year before and you were going to go senior year. It was just too expensive but you were sorry. I went to prom alone. I feel like… I would have felt better if you had at least gone to walk in. I don’t know why.

Then… there was another time when I thought you liked me. You and my grandmother went to the same church and you were one of the ushers, remember? I wasn’t there this particular Sunday but my grandma told me about it. I remember you usually had the section in front of her but this week, you had her section. She told me that you smiled at her, shook hands, and said hello. I know you knew she was my grandmother because you had seen me there with her before. When she told me that… my heart melted. I thought it was so sweet.

Senior year I still liked you. Then you got a girlfriend and gradually I stopped liking you. Or so I thought. At prom that year, when I took the picture of you and Kelly, I felt… okay. Then you took my camera from me (which can be very dangerous), handed it to Kelly, and put an arm around me for a picture. Remember? My heart fluttered. And then Jack came in and ruined it… at least for me. But for those few seconds as we stood there posing for these two pictures I was the happiest girl alive.

I’ll admit it, I was a little upset when you couldn’t make it to my graduation party but yours WAS on the same day so it’s understandable. Yet I still made it to yours. There were the moments where my heart was pulled on when Kelly was hanging all over you. But she was your girlfriend and I wasn’t.

After that day we didn’t really talk. You were never online anymore. For some reason you gave Kelly your password so whenever I went to talk to you on AIM it was her. I always felt disappointed, each and every time. Then college came.

Guys caught my eye but I never got to know any of them. It’s so hard when you only have classes with them every other day for three and a half months. Then you never see them again. Freshman year passed, and I was still single. You, however, were still with Kelly.

I talked to you a few times during that year, asking if you could do me a huge favor by coming all the way out here to bring me home, remember? Right when I thought it was going to happen, things changed and my Mom was able to come. It disappointed me every single time because I wanted to spend that time with you.

I saw you during spring break. My heart practically soared up my throat and out my mouth when I saw you. Do you remember when you saw me? I don’t think you recognized me. It was the first time you had seen me with my contacts and I had dropped about twenty pounds. Your eyes widened, you smiled, and then you hugged me. When we were done talking you hugged me again. It really surprised me.

Summer… I texted you in August. You texted back. I couldn’t believe it. It was the first time we had talked since I saw you over spring break. Do you remember how I suggested we should have hung out before going back to college? Do you remember how you said “Sure, hit me up anytime?”

If you do… do you remember how we picked a day a few weeks later? I woke up feeling great. I got all dressed and ready. Then I texted you. Three times. You didn’t reply.

…………..

Do you remember those texts?

That’s when I knew it was over. I thought you were the biggest asshole. I cried. Who does that? I thought we were friends

Now, I sit here at college with my friends. They talk about their boyfriends. I can’t ever do that. Because I never got that chance with you. Because you didn’t want me. I understand that now. But you could have done some things differently. You could have texted me back. I lost faith in you.

When I went back for homecoming at our high school this year… I was nervous about seeing you. I didn’t know whether to bitch you out or hug you. You weren’t there. Your mom told me you were in the process of joining a fraternity. I hate fraternities. I couldn’t believe it. Now you have a new girlfriend. Good for you.

You’re still an asshole. After I saw your mom I wrote you a message on facebook. You didn’t respond. Do you remember that message? I was pleasant. I didn’t say a mean thing to you. All I wanted was an explanation. An explanation I never got. I wrote on your wall a few months later about how our friendship was reduced to being farm-ville neighbors. Do you remember not responding to that either? I didn’t think so. You’ll never remember.

But me? I’ll always remember. I’ll remember every smile, every hug, everything that meant nothing to you.

I still don’t have a boyfriend, Shane. And it kills me. Why? Because once I get you completely out of my head… you waltz right back in. In a fucking dream. Then I think about you again for a few weeks before I get you back out of my head. It pisses me off how you’ll always be with me in some way… but apparently… I’ll never be with you.

I don’t know the next time I’ll see you… if I’ll ever see you again. It could be next month, next year… or at our ten year high school reunion in eight years. I hope whenever I do… none of those memories will come back to me. Most likely they will. They’ll flood my mind and make me fall for you again. I think… deep down in my heart I’ll always love you… no matter how much I don’t want to. But to you… I’ll just be that girl from high school who had the dumb crush on you everyone knew about. Joy.

Thanks for breaking me,
Steph