Let's Follow Through With This Reckless Dream

I was laying down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep. For some reason, all I could think about was Alex.

“Mommy? Can I sleep with you?” Ellarie asked from my doorway with her teddy bear and sleepy eyes.

“Come here,” I said as she crawled into the bed with me and laid her head on my stomach.

“What’s wrong? Why can’t you sleep?” I asked.

“I’m not tiwed,” She said with her baby voice. She looked up at me with Alex’s brown eyes.

God, I hated that brown eyes and brown hair always overpowered with genes. Why couldn’t blue eyes and black hair over power? Then Ellarie could’ve had black hair like mine and blue eyes like mine, instead of Alex’s chestnut brown hair and his brown eyes.

“Can we watch a movie?” She asked.

“Not right now sweetie. Try and fall asleep, okay?” I said as she laid her head on the pillow in front of me.

“Mommy, where’s my daddy?” She finally asked. The last time she ever asked me about her dad was the first time she met Jack, and he told her all babies came from Lebanon and only the really ugly ones had dads, and that was why she didn’t have one.

“Daddy’s… Far from here,” I said.

“Why isn’t he hewe?”

“He’s…Working a lot, Ellie,”

“I wanna meet him,” She said.

Okay, so I guess I kind of wanted to see Alex too, but I didn’t want Ellarie exposed to the life of parties and music. Sluts and alcohol. “Not right now, baby,”

“When?” She asked.

“Um… I don’t know when, just not right now,” I sighed, finally getting tired. “Let’s go to
sleep,” I said. She laid down and curled up into a ball the way Alex sometimes would. Okay, so I kind of missed him. Only because Ellarie had so much of him in her. Her brown hair, brown eyes, smile, actions, sarcasm, her ability to charm anyone into doing anything whenever she wanted, and her random grumpiness...

****

“Hello?” I breathed into the phone. Ellarie was running around the house with markers in her hand…

“Ellarie, put those down!” I exclaimed.

“Hey Jasey,” Max said on the phone. “Are you…Busy?”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, taking the markers out of Ellarie’s hand. “You can’t run around with
these in the house, okay?” She ran off laughing.

“Um, wanna hang out?” Max asked.

“I’m kind of busy…”

“Later on today?” She asked.

“Sure. I’ll pick you up at your glamorous Monster office?” I laughed. “When do you get off?”

“Um…Oneish?” We can have lunch,”

“Sounds good. See ya then,” I said, hanging up. I got Ellarie dressed and drove her over to
my mom’s house before leaving to Monster Co…

*****

“Hi, um, what floor is Terry Malcolm on?” I asked the receptionist.

She let out a small laugh. “The floor for Monster Co.?” She asked.

“That one!” I exclaimed as she laughed again.

“One moment please,” She said as she picked up the phone. I turned around and leaned
on the counter as I watched all the rich business men and women walking in and out of the building.

“Jasey!” Max exclaimed. I turned around and saw her walking to me. I ran over and hugged her. “I haven’t seen you in two whole days!”

“I know!” I laughed. “Come on, let’s go to this cool outside café thingy,” I said as we left the
building and started walking down the street. We sat down at a small outdoors and indoors restaurant outside.

“So, how are you?” I asked.

“Um, I’m okay I guess. My pills ran out,” She bit her lip.

“Seriously? When are you getting more?” I asked.

“Um… Like two weeks until my doctor comes back. He’s on vacation,” She rolled her eyes.

“What a dick. Can’t he like fax over a prescription or something?”

She shook her head. “He’s in the fucking Bahamas,”

I sighed. “Well do you feel any different?”

“I had a dream last night… But then Jack stayed up with me and it was better. Oh, I kind of
wanted to talk to you about that,” She said quieter. I leaned in. There was no one around us, but it seemed like a secret. “I had sex with Jack,” She said quietly.

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. “Seriously?!” It was a pretty big deal for me. Max finally lost her
virginity. I was pretty stoked. As creepy as that sounds.

She blushed and nodded. “Yea…”

“Well, how was it?”

“Awkward? I don’t know,” She shook her head. “At first it was like… We were both really nervous and we kept stopping and like talking about it, you know? Was it like that with you and Alex your first time?”

I shook my head. “We kind of just went for it,”

“Weirdos. Sex is like, the most awkward thing ever!” She exclaimed. “But anyways. After we finally got over it, we went for it and…I don’t know,” She smiled. “It was good,” She laughed.

“Yea… Sex is usually good,” I laughed.

“But -- don’t think I’m creepy or anything -- but I have to ask,”

“Max, I’d never think you’re creepy. You’re my best friend, you can ask me anything.”

“Okay. When you have sex, how do you do it?”

“Well…There’s a man twinkie, and then there’s the girl’s – “

“No! I know that!” She laughed. “I mean… How do you get in the mood?”

“Well. To be honest, whenever Alex and I did it, we kind of just made out and then went for it,”

“It’s that easy?”

“With Alex it is,” I muttered. “He has the tendency to turn me on very quickly,” I said
awkwardly.

“Wow… I always knew he was a sex machine…” She said to herself. “But you just make out
and go for it? Really?”

I nodded. “If the feelings right, yea,”

“Because. I don’t know, I just want to be good…For Jack, you know?”

“Max,” I rolled my eyes. “Jack’s gonna think you’re the best no matter what. Trust me,”

“Yea, but… I feel like after three years of being together, I owe him good sex, you know?”

“I know what you mean but never think you owe Jack anything. And also, he’s a guy, you’re
his smokin’ hot girlfriend, anything you two do together is more than enough for him,”

She chuckled. “Yea, I guess I know what you mean. But still. You’ve been at this stuff for years. Tell me how to make it better for him,”

“Um, I don’t know. Go on top?” I laughed. “I really don’t know Max. You usually know in the moment it happens,” I shrugged.

“Please Jasey? Can’t you tell me more than to be on top?” She laughed.

“Okay… Um… Kiss his neck. And his chest. And then run your hands all around his body.
And… I think moaning helps. I don’t know, I just kind of did that out of choice with the way
Alex is…” I said. She looked at me with interest. It was like she was taking mental notes of this. “Oh! You have to be totally confident. Act like you own him. Guys love that. And then… I don’t know. But trust me, when you’re in the moment, you’ll know what to do,” I smirked.

“Well I didn’t know what to do last night!” She said, throwing her hands up in the air.

“Anyways, how’s everything with you lately?”

I shrugged. “Okay, I guess. The same. I’ve been thinking about Alex a lot lately…”

“I think you still love him,” She said.

I let out a small laugh. “I don’t love him anymore, Max,”

“Jasey, when you love someone, you never stop loving them,”

*****

Max’s words stung. They were still leaving a scar on my mind. Why was I slightly pissed at her? She was right. No she wasn’t. Alex wasn’t even worth all the shit I’d have to go through if I was with him. He’d probably cheat on me or something. He wasn’t father material anyways…

“Mommy can we go to the park?” Ellarie asked.

I looked out the window. “It’s getting kind of late, Ellie,” I said.

“Please?” She begged with her hands together and her fingers intertwined with each other.

I laughed. “Okay, fine,” I rolled my eyes.

“Thank you, Mommy!” She exclaimed running to her room. I pulled on a more decent outfit
and when I was done combing my hair I let Ellarie lead me out of the house. It was nice outside so I walked with Ellarie over to Baltimore Park. The memories rushed through my head as we walked through the open gates. I shook them out of my mind.

“Can I go on the swings?” She asked. I smiled and nodded as she ran over and jumped onto a swing. I started pushing her from behind as she laughed. “Higher!” She exclaimed.

“Okay, okay,” I laughed. I pushed her so high that I walked under the swing, something my dad would always do to me, before he turned into a douche bag…

She laughed loudly as I watched her swing. I felt my phone vibrate so I answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Jasey!” Andy said.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Where were you at work today?” He asked.

I turned around. “I took a personal day to spend some time with Ellarie,”

“Oh okay. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then!” He said before I hung up and put my phone away. I turned around and saw that Ellarie wasn’t on the swing.

“Ellarie?” I called out as I walked around the playground looking for her. I saw her on the
grass so I walked towards her. When I got closer I saw her talking to some guy.

“Um, sorry about that. Ellarie, I told you not to talk to strangers,” I said as I picked up Ellarie and held her on my hip. I looked up and saw that Ellarie was talking to Alex Gaskarth…

“But he was playing a guitar!” She exclaimed. She’s always been in love with guitars and music.

“Jasey Rae?” Alex asked in disbelief.

“Alex?” I said with wide blue eyes.

“Oh my god. I haven’t seen you in three years,” He said.

I set Ellarie down and went up to him. “H-how are you?” I said.

He didn’t answer, but instead he pulled me into a hug that I didn’t have enough time to object to. He smelled good. He smelled the same.

“Is she…?” Alex asked.

“My daughter,” I said once he pulled away from me.

“Who’s the…”

I rolled my eyes. “Old boyfriend,” I said. Well, it was true. The father of my child was an old boyfriend…

“Oh,” Was all he said.

“Who are you?” Ellarie asked when I picked her up and held her on my hip.

“I’m Alex,” Alex smiled.

“Um, this is Ellarie,” I said.

“Hi,” She smiled.

“Hi,” Alex chuckled, staring at her in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re a mom,” He said in wonder.

I let out a small laugh. “Yea,”

He looked over my shoulder. “Um, Happy Birthday,” He said.

“Oh yea. Thanks,” I muttered.

“I have to go. But is there any way we can may be get together? As friends? Like old times?”
He smiled and I simply couldn’t resist. Stop, Jasey! Stop giving in to that damn smile! No! But he’s just so cute…

“Yea,” I heard myself say.

“Meet me here tomorrow? Same time?” He asked. “With Ellarie. We can walk around town?”

“Sounds good,” I nodded. He smiled and waved before walking off with his box guitar.

“Can I play guitar, Mommy?” Ellarie asked as I stared in shock at what had just happened.

“When you’re older,” I said, not really paying attention. Did I just agree to see Alex again
after three years of not seeing him? It was harmless though. It looks like he’s finally gotten over me, so we could just do this as friends.

Was I ever going to tell him about Ellarie being our kid? No, probably not. He didn’t need to
know. It’s not like I was going to fall in love with him or something all over again…